The Monger
Welcome. Today we will talk about the nasty voice in our heads who constantly tells us we have failed, and I call that voice a Monger.
According to the Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, a monger is “a person who attempts to stir up or spread something that is usually petty or discreditable.”
My Monger sounds a bit like this:
Recently, A client didn’t show up for a video session that we had scheduled.
“What did you do?” Says my Monger, “Did you send the right link?! What if they are hanging out on their end waiting to hear from you?!?”
She always assumes I am the one that got it wrong. If something doesn’t go as planned, it must be MY fault. She hammers me for a bit longer until finally the client emails to say she needs to reschedule! It isn’t my fault after all! The Monger was wrong—big big shocker.
That voice in your head is trying to stir up your anxiety. Your Monger tells you how much you suck, that you are a total failure, terrible parents, worthless employees, and all-around losers. (Sound a little harsh? Listen to yourself one of these days, and I bet you’ll see that I’m not too far off.)
The truth is, the Monger’s job is to keep us safe. Her sole mission is to scan the environment for any potential harm, risk, or danger and protect us from it. Her mission is to keep us safe from failing. I have found she has three main rules to help her complete this mission:
Don’t make a mistake.
Don’t stand out.
Don’t be too vulnerable.
If any of those rules are broken, she uses shame, belittling, guilt, and negativity to move us back in line.
When we try something new or take a risk (no matter how small), our Monger gets scared for us and wants to keep us safe. Unfortunately, your Monger has a perfect memory. She catalogs and recalls every failure, mistake, or doubt you ever had and isn’t afraid to use them against you on this mission to keep you safe. In an attempt to protect you from making a mistake, she will remind you of every failure you’ve ever made.
If we attack our Monger using her methods, it rarely works. If we tell our Monger to shut up, she will just fight back harder. More importantly, this voice is a part of us. Telling a part of us to “shut up” or “quit being a bitch” just doesn’t work. Fighting shame with shame never works.
Your Monger convinces you that she is there to protect you, that you need her to keep you from looking stupid or failing. The truth is, she rarely has your best interest at heart:
It’s lunchtime, and I didn’t want to take a break. I should be more clear, my Monger doesn’t think I deserve a break. “You said you were going to accomplish five tasks on your to-do list, and you have done 1 maybe 1 and 1/2 if I am generous, and now you want to take a break! Give me a break! You have to earn breaks. You are going to eat and take a break for an hour, and we both know you won’t be back into the office until 2, and then you only have 2 more hours to accomplish 3 more things!! You are such a slacker you will NEVER meet your goals.
To appease my Monger, I tell her I will eat at my desk. So I run downstairs and grab lunch and come back to my desk. But my brain is tired. I am tired of staring at the computer, and if I am honest, powering through isn’t going to help me accomplish the 5 tasks. “COME ON she screams at me. You are ridiculous with this needing a break crap. You used to work for hours straight; now, you can’t handle a few hours in a row. You must not want to build a business.”
Your Monger will always have a running commentary about you and your behaviors, from what you choose to eat to how you talk to your kids. All-day long, she chats at us, telling us where we have failed to hit the mark. And even if you accomplished everything on your to-do list, made your family a home-cooked meal, and ended the day by having hot sex with your spouse, your Monger would still come up with something you failed to do.
The problem is, we are so used to the Monger talking that we don’t even hear her anymore. We just take whatever she tells us at face value. We assume that the negative voice, the “you will never measure up” message is the T-R-U-T-H. This is one of the reasons the Monger is so hard to quiet. A voice in our head is beating us up because we will never be perfect, leaving us feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. We hate how the Monger makes us feel but don’t even notice that the Monger is chatting non-stop. It’s like wearing high-heeled shoes, and all day long, your feet hurt. You complain about the blisters and how much your feet hurt but never recognize that it’s your shoes causing the pain.
You don’t need to be shamed and belittled to be successful. I spent way too many years of my life believing that the Monger was my friend, that she really supported me and wouldn’t lead me astray. But after years of listening to her and constantly feeling bad about myself, I decided there must be a better way.
I want to remind you again; your Monger has two main traits:
Her job is to keep you safe from failure. She motivates you by telling you, “Don’t make mistakes, don’t stand out, and don’t be too vulnerable.”
All her messages bring shame and drama and are exhausting. She is just outright mean and nasty.
Ok, I will be back again in 2 days to start the 2nd week of foundations, where we will discuss the two other characters in your head and their roles. Over this small break, start noticing your Monger and how she plays a role in your anxiety.