When Empathy Becomes Responsibility
Welcome to week 2 of the theme of Self Loyalty. This week we are revisiting—and digging a little deeper into some of the Self Loyalty topics we covered in Spiral 1. On the 3rd Day of the Self Loyalty Theme in Spiral 1, I shared the story of being a Hall Director. I was so empathetic, sensitive, and kind to everyone around me. I had no empathy left to give myself. I call this having a High Empathy Radar. It gets in the way when it convinces me to over-function to the detriment of myself, in other words, not practicing self-loyalty.
Today, we are diving deeper into that the theme of empathy
Empathy is a tremendous strength.
Merriam-Webster defines empathy as The action of being sensitive to and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of another.
The ability to be empathetic is a gift. It allows me to understand where someone is coming from and offer support and encouragement. I remember reading a book in the 5th grade about a soldier getting shot and feeling the pain and disappointment in my own body.
For those of us with a strong empathetic trait, we can usually
sense what someone needs before they can say it,
see the other side of the story,
we find it easy to step in and help
I am a great friend and partner because I know when to step in, and I am really, really helpful.
Where highly empathetic people run into trouble is when they turn empathy into responsibility, and this responsibility turns into anxiety which causes over-functioning. I will get to an example in a moment but first I want to tell you about the 3 primary empathetic traits work together
These traits are:
Empathy for the other person, therefore, a strong desire to be helpful.
Justifying or understanding and explaining away any behavior of the other person (even destructive behaviors)
Putting personal priorities last
When these three traits combine it makes the Responsibility Trifecta:, we can move from being understanding and sensitive to ditching our priorities and needs so we can take accountability and responsibility for someone else.
Over coffee and homemade cinnamon rolls, my friend, Susan, shared her struggles and immediately I saw that this was the responsibility trifecta at play Susan is a full-time teacher and has three kids under 12. There tend to be two groups of teachers at her school: those that are young, having babies, and those that are nearing retirement. Susan explained to me that recently many of the younger teachers started having babies, and one of the traditions is to organize a Meal Train for the new mom and her family. My friend loves this idea; she remembers how much it meant to get these meals when she had her kids and empathizes with new mothers. Those nearing retirement participate in the meal program only half-heartedly. They were involved in their own family activities and burnt out from years of making meals. The new moms are too overwhelmed to participate even though they appreciated it when they got meals.
By default, Susan has become the primary champion of the meal program. She runs the whole program trying to get people to sign up and then cooks 2-3 meals a week to pick up the teachers' slack who don't sign up. She said to me, "My anxiety is through the roof! I barely have enough energy to cook for my family, and that is where I want to spend my energy." When I asked her why she didn't stop, she said, "Those first couple weeks after having a baby are so hard, and having meals is so helpful." I asked, "Why do you have to be the one to do it all? I am sure these women have other friends and family who can make meals. Maybe the tradition has run its course at your school? Or maybe it is time for one of the new moms to pick up the slack?"
Susan looked at me stunned, "And then said, you are right. I keep telling myself I don't want someone else to suffer the way I am, so I had better keep going." This was her Monger's voice singing that familiar I can suffer better refrain. Which can keep us pushing so hard we end up sick. This is where Susan was headed because she had completed the Responsibility Trifecta:
She wanted to help these new moms; she remembered what it felt like to be a new mom.
She could justify why it was ok that every other teacher didn't help out. She could explain away their behaviors.
Her own family's meals were pushed to the very last.
Susan had found herself responsible for the entire program.
Susan didn't do A.S.K because, at the time of this conversation, I hadn't developed it—but had she done it, here is what I think it would have looked like.
A. Acknowledge your feelings; alarmed, frantic, inferior (that she can't just figure this problem out—see how even her Monger is coming into her feelings), distressed, hopeful (that there is a solution), betrayed that no one is willing to help her and outraged that she keeps doing this work!
S-Slow Down and Get into Your Body; Sway her hips from side to side and stretch her hands over her head.
And lastly
K-Kindly Pull Back to See the Big Picture is the pivotal step for Susan. —ok, Sweet Pea, things have gotten a little out of control here. There are many options: 1. You can just stop doing it altogether. 2. You could write a quick training manual for the next person. 3. You could take a collection for a meal delivery service instead of home-cooked meals—no, it is not the same but better than nothing. 4. It is OK to let it go. You are not their only resource, maybe this was something that worked well ten years ago, but now the world is a different place. And you can always bring it back when you have more time.
Later, over the phone, Susan informed me that she announced to the teachers that she was stepping down from being in charge of meals; someone else could lead the program, or they could let it die down until someone had more time. Susan got a little flack and a bit of pushback, but she held her ground and kept repeating to herself, "I am not responsible for these new mothers; they have other resources. I can be empathetic AND have to keep my priorities." Susan was excited to feel less anxious about the meals, have her evenings back, and be able to cook for her family again. This is self-loyalty.
A word of caution, I can remember thinking, how did Susan get into such a mess? I mean, WHY didn't she say no? That is my BFF stepping into judge Susan, which is usually a sign that my BFF is trying to protect me from the judgment of my Monger. This means I, too, have engaged in this behavior and actually came up with 3 or 4 examples where I was passionate about a cause or idea and let my over-functioning take over, and I doubled down when I should have bailed. When my BFF comes out to judge other people and their ridiculous behavior, it is usually a sign that I, too, engage in that behavior--I just don't want to admit it. HA!
Empathy is awesome!! But when empathy becomes a responsibility, it pulls us away from self-loyalty.