Mistakes and Self-Loyalty Revisited

Welcome to day 3 of week 2 of the Self Loyalty theme in spiral 2. Owning our mistakes is hard for people with HFA to do. In Spiral 1, I talked about owning the mistake when I forgot my vaccine card that was required at a speaking gig. Today I want to talk about owning mistakes when they aren't quite so obvious. 

My husband and I have a weekday evening routine. I turn the news on the TV while my husband gets ready to walk our dog Watterson! While they are gone, I start making dinner. On this night, I was tired and cranky after a stressful conversation with my brother and was already into the news before my husband made it downstairs to gather Watterson. We greeted each other, and as he started to put his shoes on, he asked me something—I don't remember what because I was only half listening. So he asked me again, and this time I knew from my half-listening that it was a yes or no question, so I went with yes. And I was right because he nodded his head and headed into the kitchen to get Watterson's leash. 

'WOW shows how much you value him. You couldn't even pick your head up from the TV to listen to your husband!!!!" Sneered my Monger, I would certainly think your husband is more important than the TV.'

Well, come on, you were clearly watching TV. Why was he even talking to you—he should have known better. Said my BFF

RIGHT. My Monger said Because he should feel like TV is more important than him—it was the news! 

You answered him right!! My BFF responded. "Whatever he asked, he got the answer he wanted! He is happy, isn't that the point—he doesn't KNOW you picked the TV over him."

 In the 30 seconds it took Doug to grab the leash, I had a full-on Monger attack, and my BFF was not helping!! 

Then out of the blue, I heard from my Biggest Fan, "The truth is you weren't listening. Why don't you own that you weren't listening? Integrity is important to you. You are not a wife who ignores her husband and then lies to him because you can get away with it."

My Biggest Fan was right. I value my husband, and I value my marriage, and I don't want to ever choose the TV over him. 

As my husband walked out the door, I said, I am sorry—I wasn't listening to you? What did you ask me?

He looked at me confused and then said, "you mean when I asked Are you cooking dinner?" 

And I said, "yes, I wasn't listening, so I just guessed the answer before I am sorry. And yes, I am cooking dinner. 

Ok, he said, smiling—no big deal. And he walked out the door. 

What struck me about that day was how quick my BFF was in defending my less-than-stellar behavior. It was more comfortable for me to listen to her than it was for me to own my mistake. 

Had my Biggest Fan not stepped in, I would have spent the rest of the evening analyzing if I was a good person or a bad person for not telling my husband, and my anxiety would have been through the roof! Ironically what they are arguing about isn't even the main issue—the main issue is I couldn't own my mistake because this mistake was a choice. It wasn't a careless mistake like accidentally forgetting my vaccine card—nope, this was an intentional lousy choice. 

We have a Monger who beats us up with every little thing we do wrong. You would think we would 100% own our bad choices because we wouldn't want to hear from the Monger. But that is the power of the BFF—and why her voice is no joke. Because she protects us from seeing the ugly truth—we are not perfect. But her enabling is not helpful. It is like we have the Monger, the abusive voice, and then the BFF is the enabler—both keep us stuck. It is HARD to see ourselves as deliberately making bad choices because we have very high standards for ourselves. 

But the "mistakes" we make that are actually bad choices are more hidden and harder to own.

Some examples include: 

Being late. I would spend the whole drive knowing I was 5 minutes late and my anxiety being through the roof because my Monger and BFF were going back and forth. My Monger beating me up, and my BFF Justifying my behavior. If I had self-loyalty, I would own that I was late and text an apology and ETA to the person I was meeting, my anxiety would disapate. 

Ignoring someone—as I did with my husband or avoiding someone at an event that you don't want to see

Hanging out with someone you know is bad for you, like an ex or a friend who gets you into trouble.

White lie for no other reason than to protect yourself. Sometimes we tell white lies to protect others, but sometimes we tell them because we don't want to look bad. Such as lying to get out of helping someone move. 

Often, these bad choices make my anxiety go sky high because my Monger and BFF are going at it. The power of self-loyalty is recognizing that even when I make a bad choice—I am not a bad person. So the sooner I have self-loyalty and own that I made a bad choice, the quieter my anxiety is. It still might not always be my first response, but that doesn't matter—remember, the sooner we catch ourselves, the faster we can close the gap.