The Fake Self Loyalty of the BFF
Welcome to day 2 of Week 1 of Self Loyalty in spiral 2.
When I first started trying to find a way to quiet my Monger, I read a lot of literature on the matter—I wanted to hear what other experts in the field advised. Often at speaking events, I will ask, "What is the #1 thing people recommend when you hear your Monger/inner critic? Talk to yourself like... and the audience says in a rote fashion—like you are your own best friend. Well, I tried that for too many years—and from the rote response of my audiences, they can relate that, for the most part, that doesn't work.
I met my current best friend, Mary, over 20 years ago—we worked together at a small Real Estate Appraising Firm and were the only two women on staff. We quickly became friends, and to do something fun after work, we decided to join the local community center to take some after-work aerobics classes. One day after a difficult day, Mary and I decided to skip the class and head to Champps, a local restaurant. I don't remember who suggested it, but it was most likely me! Ha!
I have a few memories of us going to the class at the Community Center, but for the most part, I remember us going to Champps and analyzing the terrible relationships in our lives over two large beers, some mozzarella sticks, and a large pierce of chocolate cake to round out the meal. Those meals were the cornerstone of our friendship and cemented my best friend Mary as my BFF. Mary is my bury the body friend, as Brené Brown says—she would come in the dead of night to help me do whatever I needed her to do. She always has my back and will always cut a bitch if needed. Mary is a fantastic friend—AND she rarely holds my feet to the fire. She rarely asks me if I am making the best decision for my future goals. Nope, she is all about letting off steam and doing anything I want.
When I developed the character of my BFF, I pictured Mary. And I know I am not alone; many of us have a best friend who is game for anything and happy to help us relax in any way possible. Had my friend Mary been at the concert I talked about yesterday, she would have offered to stand in line with me to get another beer—THAT is a BFF. This is why the idea of talking to yourself like you are your best friend kept me out of self-loyalty for so long. Because my best friend would tell me I deserve the world and that if something goes wrong, it is the other person's fault because I am amazing, perfect, and fabulous. See a wonderful best friend. But to combat the Monger, we need the voice of self-loyalty, which is in the Biggest Fan, not the voice of the BFF.
So to access my Biggest Fan, I will ask myself, what would I say to my niece? I picked Niece intentionally. Yes, I have a couple of nieces that I am very close to and love. But more so, I think the relationship of an aunt or mentor is very different than that of a Mom or friend. And even people who don't have blood nieces or nephews can most likely picture that relationship. Someone you adore, support no matter what, and are willing to challenge to help them grow to be the best person they can be,
I know they will struggle in life, and my job is to help support them as much as possible. THAT is my Biggest Fan. That is self-loyalty. My job with my nieces is to support them in figuring out the best way forward—sometimes that is by encouraging them to take a rest, and sometimes that is encouraging them to jump in with both feet because I have their back. And that is how I want to be encouraging myself–not always shaming myself like the Monger or giving myself a pass like the BFF but having the self-loyalty to discern what I need to do next sometimes, that is, to rest and grab a couple of beers and sometimes that is to head to the community center and sweat it out.