I Don't Have Time For Self-Loyalty

Welcome to Day 1 of the Self Loyalty Theme in Spiral 2. Over the next two weeks, we are diving deeper into defining self loyalty, resistance to self loyalty, and how we can cultivate it in our daily lives.

Recently my husband and I attended an outdoor concert to see Sheryl Crow. My husband's anxiety was high before we left—he has struggled with social anxiety since COVID—so as we walked out the door, his Monger was screaming at him all kinds of negativity about his fear and panic with socializing. As we drove to the concert and he was getting more and more negative, I said hey, your wife happens to be an expert in anxiety, and the #1 thing that WILL not help is letting your Monger beat you up. You have to have your own back. "I know, I know he said—I just don't want to deal with all that. I just want to feel better." "Yep, I get that feeling, AND it does help," I replied.

Fast forward to the actual concert. After much debate, we found the perfect place to put our blanket and chairs, purchased our food and beverages, and relaxed in our chairs, listening to the opening acts. Except I was anything but relaxed. My anxiety was through the roof—I l felt unsettled as I sat in my portable chair.

We had spent the early afternoon with my Mom, who was having a bad day with her dementia, and I spent my late afternoon talking to my brother about plans for my Mom as her dementia worsened—so a pretty stressful day.

"Maybe you should get another beer?" My BFF offered, "It is a concert; what better reason to have another beer! You deserve it—go ahead, and it will relax you!"

My Biggest Fan stepped in. "But look at that line; it is so long! You would spend all your time in line for one beer that will get warm in a few minutes. Go to the bathroom. Moving around always helps some."

I walked quickly to the bathroom to release my excess anxious energy. When I returned to our spot, I said to my husband, "OK, moving helped. I feel better." But it wasn't long before my legs started feeling jittery, and my stomach was upset. "Maybe you need to practice A.S.K.? "My husband said and acknowledged some feelings—I mean, you are an expert in anxiety shouldn't you know how to deal with this stuff—he laughed. Jokingly calling me out for my comment to him earlier in the day AND knowing that I had shared multiple times how hard it is to do the stuff I teach—it sounds simple but implementing is hard.

Here is the crazymaking of High Functioning Anxiety. Sitting there at the concert with nothing to distract me, I was overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings about the stress in my life. My Monger kept telling me to "ignore the messy feelings—push them down—nothing you can do about it now, so might as well have fun at the concert." But rather than acknowledge those feelings, I was unknowingly listening to my Monger.

And then I heard my Monger— with one concise message. "You are a fraud—see how anxious you are?!? And you are an EXPERT in this—you aren't doing what you SHOULD be doing."

As I sat in the beautiful park in the center of Downtown, my BFF stepped in one more time. "You should get a beer–come on, you are at an outdoor concert–what is better than a beer on a hot day and bonus, it calms your anxiety!!", and luckily my Biggest Fan stepped in again.

Forget the beer—that won't help in the long run. What you should be doing, my Biggest Fan said, is acknowledging what you are feeling, and I know that right now, being surrounded by people, it isn't a safe place to do that. So instead of beating yourself up for the understandable fact that you have anxiety, let's acknowledge that this is a challenging time and lots of messy emotions, AND you don't want to face them right now, and that's OK.

I wish I could say I immediately felt anxiety free—but I did feel more present and grounded. My leg stopped bobbing madly, and I could breathe and look around. Whenever I noticed my leg bobbing, I would take a big breath and touch my legs. If that didn't work, I would stand up and stretch. I did this on repeat until Sheryl Crow started singing. Because I was dancing and singing to Leaving Las Vegas and All I wanna do, my anxiety dissipated, and I had an amazing time.

I consider that event a success! I didn't overdrink, which was my go-to anxiety treatment in my 20s and 30s. I didn't beat myself up for being anxious and RUINING the night (aka creating drama which was another unintentional consequence in my 20s and 30. Nope, this night was 100% a success because even though I had anxiety, it didn't ruin the night. It didn't take over. It was there, and I was kind to myself about it. I noticed my anxiety and practiced self-loyalty, which allowed me to do the activities to calm myself down. Noticing when my anxiety was increasing (bobbing my leg) and taking some deep breaths when that didn't cut it, I stood up and moved my body. In the past, I might have tried breathing and standing up once, MAYBE twice, but never the dozen times I did it that night.

When I practice self-loyalty, I can say to myself wow, yes, your anxiety is still there—let's try this idea to calm down. I am not bogged down in the drama and belittling of my Monger. Instead, my Biggest Fan is running the show, and she is all about doing whatever it takes to calm me down and bring me back to the present.