Pain vs Suffering

Welcome to Week 2, Day 4 of the Feelings theme in Spiral 2. Today the theme is pain vs. suffering. We have a complicated relationship with both of these ideas. 

 As the quote by Haruki Murakami, a Japanese writer, says, "pain is inevitable, and suffering is optional."

First, there is pain, and then there is suffering.

 I am tired from staying up too late with friends, so I am feeling the pain of being tired and struggling to be as productive as normal, and then my Monger chimes in, "How could you be so irresponsible in staying up late. You know you don’t do well with a lack of sleep. You are such a loser."—that is suffering.  

Our Monger convinces us that if we're suffering, at least we're doing something. This shows up in big ways and little ways all day long., I remember when I was looking for a job after graduate school. Job searching sucks—it is PAINFUL. I would wake up each morning and submit some resumes, make some phone calls and do the job search thing. By the afternoon, I was DONE, so I decided to take the afternoon off to relax and enjoy having some free time, but my Monger wouldn't let me relax. She was relentless because a GOOD person would job search all day, and if I am not going to that, then I deserve to suffer. 

Because at least if I suffer, I am doing something. 

AH—there is the idea that keeps us stuck in suffering—at least I am doing something if I am suffering. 

This belief that suffering is the price I have to pay for resting, relaxing, or doing anything that my Monger disapproves of makes this idea a hard one to unhook. I've taken the day off. Therefore, I'm going to get hammered by my Monger because that's the suffering I deserve for not being the perfect person.

Here’s an example,  I decide I am going to get up early and work. I set my alarm for 5:30 am, the alarm goes off, and I hit the snooze alarm. Instead of going back to sleep, I lie there and listen to my Monger punish me for not getting up. "You are such a loser. I thought you had SO much work to do?! When are you going to do it?!?" I don't go to sleep, and yet I don't get up and work. I just lay there in this weird, limbo, middle area of suffering. 

Do you know the key to cutting out suffering? 

The Biggest Fan! The voice that is going to say, Sweet Pea—let's be honest, you probably aren't going to get back to sleep right now, so let's get up and see if we can get started on some work."  

When I was taking a break after job searching that morning many years ago, in the morning, my Biggest Fan would say, "Sweet Pea, job searching sucks. You need to balance it with fun activities too. You cannot possibly job search all the time." 

Now, because our Monger is so relentless, the temptation is to beat ourselves for the fact that we engage in pain AND suffering—”You are so critical of yourself–all you do is beat yourself up. but instead of looking at it as a flaw, look at it as a habit that has become engrained. 

We believed the lie that suffering is doing something. So first, we need to catch the suffering. Notice the Monger talking and her all-or-nothing ways. Then we need to acknowledge our feelings. 

99% of suffering occurs because we aren't allowing our feelings in response to the pain. We aren't acknowledging what is really going on in our world. So in the job search example—you might have heard my Biggest Fan say job searching sucks—she is trying to acknowledge the feelings there. The quickest way to stop suffering when you notice it is to practice A.S.K. 

Acknowledge your feelings: Job searching brings up A LOT of feelings: scary, overwhelming, exhausting, heartbreaking, and vulnerable.

S Slow Down and Get into your body. As I sat outside on the back deck, I stretched each leg out and pointed my toes, and turned it from side to side.

K Kindly Pull Back to see the Big picture: Sweet Pea, job searching sucks; you need to balance it with fun activities too. You cannot possibly job search all the time." 

And with the getting up early to work example. Lying there, half awake, half asleep, I start worrying about the work project. What if I can't finish it? What if I do it wrong. The feelings are lower intensity than job searching, but they are still plentiful. It is literally analysis paralysis. 

A. Acknowledge your feelings: defensive, agitated, disappointed, unsure, intimidated.

S Slow Down and Get into your body. As I lay in bed, I stretched my legs out in front of me and pulled my arms over my head. 

K Kindly Pull Back to see the Big picture: Sweet Pea—let's be honest, you probably aren't going to get back to sleep right now, so let's get up and make some coffee and see if we feel like starting on some work. It will be fine. Just get up, and we can tackle the issues one at a time."  

The big takeaway here is Suffering is optional. Notice how often today the engrained belief that you must engage in suffering kicks in and kindly practice A.S.K.

AND if you have ANY thoughts, questions or ah-ha’s about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or head over to the website, sign in to the student portal and fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on the Ask Nancy Jane podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.