Myths of Emotional Control
Welcome Back
The Number one pushback I receive from my Coach in Your Pocket Clients I don't have time. I don't have time to acknowledge my feelings. Even though I am super clear that it is simply acknowledging our feelings, it takes 90 seconds which is next to nothing. it isn't about acting on them— It is still exceptionally hard to change the programming:
that I will get lost in my feelings.
That my feelings go on and on and on and never end.
That no one wants to be around a whiny, sad person
Anything other than happy as a feeling I should ignore and remove by sheer will.
The only way around this programming of doubt and push back is through. This is why I preach self-loyalty because I found when I come at it from a place of loyalty vs. even kindness, I am more likely to slow myself down enough to acknowledge my feelings. The loyal response is always to acknowledge feelings. Sometimes our BFF can sneak in there with what sounds like a kind response. “No need to feel your feelings–that just leads to more pain. Think positive, be happy.” Telling us a kind response is not to put ourselves through the pain of acknowledging our feelings—which just keeps us stuck.
So moving past the belief that I don't have time to acknowledge my feelings takes two things: 1. Challenging myself to change the behavior and acknowledge feelings even when it feels hard AND talking to myself with loyalty as I change the behavior.
Let's use an example from a few years ago. I was working as an assistant to the VP of HR–I hated this job and my boss. My boss told me I should always be at my desk when he was in the office and if I have to leave I need to leave a note telling him where I had gone and how long I would be. It felt like a ridiculous demand that made me angry--rather than just recognizing how I was feeling; I got stuck in analyzing whether or not my anger was appropriate to what my boss said. I vent to my co-worker Amy at lunch (which I had gone permission for) and she responds with, “Yep that is why he doesn’t hold on to assistants long he is so controlling” Which just made me angrier and more righteous in my anger.
Despite Amy’s feedback that this is common for my boss. my Monger starts in ‘YOu should be grateful you have a job, you are just such a spoiled brat.”
My Monger makes me anxious, so I seek another coworker's advice to help me sort through my feelings. tA the copy machine, I ran into a coworker Joyce and vent to her Joyce also agrees that my boss can be a jerk. She triggers my anger even more, and we spend 30 minutes together just beating up on our boss.
The emotions we feel aren't the problem. It's our response and action to the emotion. Too often, we tell ourselves we need to share the feeling to get over it. We need to express it—that is why we share it with other people so they can help us justify the feeling is ok. But when we have self-loyalty, we don't need help in justifying it. Yes, we might need support from friends and family, but support is WAY different from justification. Justification keeps us stuck in the feeling. Support only comes AFTER we acknowledge the feeling.
If I went to my coworker after I acknowledged my anger, we could talk about what comes next—she might help me with the K step. Kindly pull back to see the big picture so she can support me in handling the situation.
Emotional control is not about suppressing and controlling feelings, so we don't feel them anymore. It's about understanding yourself and your emotions and learning how to cope with them in a way that is healthy and not harmful to your productivity.
One way we can do this is when our emotions cause us to act out or make impulsive decisions that have negative repercussions. I always encourage clients to give themselves time to calm down, reflect, and do a full-body movement. Moving my body helps get me out of my head where I spend too much time judging whether my emotions are ok to feel or not and building a case for either side. Give yourself some time to process your emotions. Then later, you can analyze what happened and see it for what it is.
When I run off my emotions and let them impact how I react, I could do or say something to my boss that I would regret later. So my Biggest Fan encourages me to take some time to practice A.S.K.
A. Acknowledge my feelings: nervous, frustrated, unworthy, embarrassed, disappointed, upset, and remorseful. Notice how only 2 of those feelings are angry. The rest are in the sad, ashamed, afraid category of emotions. Acknowledging feelings is so important because we often miss the underlying feelings.
S. Slow Down and Get into My Body: I decided to walk around the building, circling my shoulders and feeling my feet hit the ground.
Kindly Pull Back to see the Big Picture. This is where I could bring in my coworker for support. I can acknowledge how hard it is to receive feedback because my Monger always takes it negatively. And then I can see if my boss was right or not to criticize me and then decide from there what steps I want to take. If he was right, I chalk it up to my boss doing his job, and I need to accept the criticism and make the necessary changes. Or maybe this is the 3rd time he harshly criticized me, so I need to take action, and either have a conversation with my boss or find another job.
Taking the time to reflect on our emotions and decisions helps us clear our heads to make the best decision we can at the moment. The important thing to remember is emotional control allows you to make space for your emotions and deal with them in a healthy way, rather than suppressing them and pretending they don't exist.
Ok that’s it for the theme of feelings in Spiral 2. Next week is an implementation week so I will be in your ears offering a quick way to implement the theme of feelings.