I Should Be Happy
Enjoying our last sips of wine and waiting on our dessert, my friend Sara and I talked about her and her husband. They had some issues over the years, and are trying to work it out, so she wanted to give me the update.
"He's trying so hard there for me. He has been working a lot, and to make up for it, he has been buying me all kinds of gifts." As the waiter served dessert, she said, "A lot of women would kill to get all these gifts. A lot of women would love to come home and receive all this stuff I'm receiving. But it's just not doing it for me. And I feel horrible because he's trying so hard, and I'm just so ungrateful. I should be happy."
I smiled because I knew that refrain. It is a common one for me—you SHOULD be happy. Also known as—It's not THAT bad or It COULD be worse. All based on the thinking that there is only one appropriate feeling HAPPY. But all those phrases do is keep us stuck and prevent us from acknowledging all our feelings.
I said to her, "He wants to hit the mark and make you happy. Not fake happy but REALLY happy. So what if, what he's doing to show his love, just isn't hitting the mark for you? That's ok. Let's figure out what would hit the mark for you, and then you can tell him so he can hit the mark and make you really happy.
Yes, she smiled as she took a big bite of the chocolate cake. Yes. That is exactly what I want to do.
I should be happy is 100% a Monger message. It has been hard-wired to be on repeat any time we want to feel something other than happy. But it is hard to deprogram this message, not impossible. Here is a trick I use.
When I hear myself say the phrase, I should be happy. I challenge myself to first add an 'and' second name the feelings OTHER than happy that I am feeling.
*I should be happy; I have a great house. I have a great house, and sometimes it is hard to do all the work to keep it up. It makes me feel: unhappy, tense, and guilty.
*I should be happy; I get to do what I love. I love writing, and I wish it wasn't such a messy process. It makes me feel uneasy, uncomfortable, and frustrated.
*I should be happy I have an amazing husband. I have an amazing husband, and I wish he had cleaned the kitchen better. It makes me feel annoyed, unhappy and irritated.
Or, as my friend said over chocolate cake, I should be happy, I have a generous husband, and I wish he was home more. It makes me feel powerless, hurt, upset, and unhappy.
One of the many mysteries of life that I'm most struck by is that eternal blend of positive and negative. The idea that life will forever be messy, no matter how much we strive to have it tied up in any little bow. And God knows those of us with High Functioning Anxiety have tried to find the bow the perfect way, the RIGHT way.
When we say, "I should be happy," it is a sign that we are not practicing self-loyalty. We are not acknowledging ALL our feelings.
So when you hear yourself use those four words. Or if you remember that earlier in the day, you said those four words. Even if you remember that last week you said those four words…first add an 'and' second name the feelings OTHER than happy that you are feeling.
We can love and appreciate something or someone AND be challenged by them. When we start 'shoulding' on ourselves to forgo the 'negative' feelings, we will miss the negative and positive ones.