People Pleasing
Welcome to Day 4 of Spiral 2, the theme of beliefs.
Today the theme is people-pleasing. In spiral one, I shared a few stories of my people-pleasing, making a bagel for my college roommate even without her asking, planning the perfect vacation for my Dad, or hosting my family at my Mom's House. You could say people-pleasing is one of my go-to coping mechanisms.
Growing up, I learned that my needs aren't as important as other people's. I learned that my role is to predict, mind-read, and generally guess what the other person needs or might need so that I can fill it for them. So people-pleasing was hard-wired into my being. Can you relate?
A friend of mine, Liz recently returned from her family's annual vacation, where they rented a house together on a beach in the Outerbanks.
Sitting down for our monthly lunch catch-up, Liz gushed about how she couldn’t wait to share all the crazy details.
Liz spent the whole week of vacation trying to figure out the perfect restaurant for everyone, the perfect beach spot, the perfect dinnertime conversation! She kept her brother and brother-in-law separate the whole time and made sure her mother didn't get on her sister's nerves while also making sure that her brother and sister were happy. When she was sharing the details of the trip, she didn't even know if she had a good time because she spent the whole time pleasing others. Liz shared with me that she felt responsible for everyone else's happiness, and it was exhausting! I can totally relate; cue my family coming to visit my Moms. Out of curiosity, I asked Liz, "What would happen if you stopped engaging in the behavior? What would your family do?" and she immediately replied, "I have no idea, but I can't even think about it." She had played this role for years, and they counted on her. They needed her in that role.
The first step in changing our people-pleasing ways is recognizing that we engage in this behavior. The second step is to recognize that we are getting something out of it!!! Ouch! That is a tough pill to swallow. Getting something out of it?!!? What are you talking about, Nancy?! People Pleasing makes me miserable. How can I be getting something out of it?
The two main things I have seen in myself and my clients that we gain are:
A sense of importance, a sense of security in our role, and the kudos from our family for what we contribute. This sense of importance puts a temporary bandaid on the internal shame that we feel and gives us a feeling of security.
When Liz people pleases, she feels more important, they "need me to take care of them," they "need me to pick the perfect restaurant" if "I don't take care of them, they will be miserable."
When we pour all our energy into our family/friends, we don't have time to look at our life or our own wants/needs, keeping our anxiety at bay. When we are just concentrating on others and their problems, we aren't thinking about ourselves—our Monger can be quiet. But you know who is loud—our BFF.
Liz shared that her Monger was pretty quiet all week which was awesome! But that was because her BFF was running the show, criticizing family members, reminding Liz how much they needed her and how AMAZING she was by overperforming. But it is true.
The truth is if Liz stopped people-pleasing, her family might be angry, lost, or frustrated if Liz didn't step up and take over, but they would eventually figure it out. Liz's family would figure out how to get along if they had to. As a people pleaser, we tend to get into this rut of believing we are irreplaceable, believing that our overt need to overgive and wear ourselves out is helping everyone. In reality, we are hurting ourselves AND those around us.
So, on the one hand, we have the fact that we were raised being encouraged and praised by our people-pleasing ways. We learned to mind-read and prioritize others' needs over ours.
We also learned that people-pleasing helps quiet the Monger. And helps our anxiety.
Two pluses for people-pleasing
On the other hand, we know people-pleasing sucks the joy out of our lives. It makes us more tired and angrier bc our BFF can run the show.
Two minuses for people-pleasing.
As you start to catch yourself people-pleasing and slowly change your behavior, there are some things to remember.
It is more than just stopping people-pleasing. Or saying no. These behaviors are hard-wired in you, and they have served you, so letting them go will be uncomfortable.
The key to curbing people-pleasing is to be specific, communicate and have your own back.
Pick one situation or one behavior. So maybe Liz decided she won't plan any of the meals. The family needs to figure that out for themselves. She communicates early to the family that she needs a break from meal planning next year, so someone needs to do it. Liz is happy to help with ideas or answer questions, but it is someone else's responsibility. She says this clearly and kindly and will probably have to repeat it a few times.
When the vacation comes around next year, a few things might happen. One, they don't plan anything and still look to Liz. Two, they plan half hazard, not at all like Liz would, and they end up going to the wrong restaurants or eating last minute and have way too many hot dogs on the grill.
Liz will need to hold this boundary with her family while giving herself a lot of support, having her own back, and practicing A.S.K. Acknowledge all the messy emotions of feeling worthless, insecure, uneasy, and distressed. She can Slow Down and get into her body, taking a long walk on the beach while Kindly pulling back to see the big picture, Reminding herself she is 45. It is one vacation. She is safe. It is ok that this year the food choice isn't on point—change takes time.
Or three, they might also do amazingly. Maybe her brother steps up and takes the baton, and it goes well.
And Liz will still need to have her own back because her Monger will be loud sharing how much she isn't needed, how her family does just fine without her etc. Liz's identity is based on doing for others and being the one they can count on, so if suddenly that appears to not be the case, that is going to cause a lot of pain. Again Liz can practice A.S.K. And remind herself she is safe and needed. Her worth is based on more than the fact she can plan meals.
But if Liz had suddenly stopped people-pleasing on her vacation, she would have ended up as I did with my family when they were upset that I had changed the rules without telling them, causing unnecessary drama. That is why it is so important to be specific, communicate clearly and have your own back when changing your people-pleasing. Over time Liz can create a vacation where she isn't responsible for everything—just the things she wants to be responsible for—because when her anxiety gets high, she won't rely on people-pleasing as a solution. She will be able to be loyal to herself; practice A.S.K.and move through the anxiety rather than having it run the show.
As you are trying to notice and manage your own people pleasing behaviore remember the three steps: pick one behavior to focus on, communicate with those around you the changes you are making and have your own back.
AND if you have ANY questions about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or head over to the website, sign in to the student portal and fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on the Ask Nancy Jane podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.
See you tomorrow!