You are Having Feelings
Links:
Welcome to Day 1 of week 2 of Feelings in Spiral 3
My husband and I were watching an episode of NCIS Hawaii. In the show, the lead investigator, Jane, and her ex-husband Daniel are struggling with the news that their son Alex had recently decided to move from Hawaii to attend college on the east coast. Daniel, Alex's father, is NOT happy about this news. As Jane and Daniel discuss this news, Daniel announces he will forbid Alex from leaving. "Because thinking about not seeing him is too much." He says.
And Jane replies, "You know what, Daniel, when you thought of not seeing him, you had feelings—you are having feelings, Dan, and I am sorry you felt that way. It will be challenging, but Alex will do amazing things, and it is our job not to get in the way!!”
I pressed pause on the TV and said to my husband, "THAT is it exactly—if more people knew that they were just experiencing feelings and if they acknowledged them rather than taking action on them, the world would be a better place!!!”
“Yep,” he smiled, knowing I get very excited with psychologically aware writers—ha!
You can watch the clip in the link above.
Here's why this clip is fantastic - Jane acknowledged her ex's feelings and how hard they were to experience AND reminded him that feelings don't necessarily mean we need to take action. Just because the Dad was going to miss the son doesn't mean he should prevent him from going.
I have thought about that episode countless times since watching it.
On the last day of the Self Loyalty theme in Spiral 1, I talk about affirmations, and one key to creating an affirmation is it has to resonate in your body. The minute I heard the phrase "you are having feelings," it resonated in my body. This phrase has served as a reminder that I don't need to panic because I am just having a feeling, AND I don't need to take action.
In the middle of a work day, my brother and I are having a quick catch-up conversation that suddenly dives too deep into politics, and as I stand in the kitchen afterward, I am feeling uncomfortably angry, and I say to myself, it's ok you are having feelings—and that sucks. It is ok; just have the feelings. If this had been an argument where I hadn't given myself that reminder. I would stir up more drama, maybe call my best friend and rehash the whole thing to her, or call my brother back and give him a piece of my mind. Both options are a waste of time. Later, I did end up calling my best friend, who also knows my brother, but because I had allowed the feelings and given myself a chance to acknowledge them, I could share the story from a more neutral place rather than trying to justify my anger.
After chatting with a friend on the phone, I am feeling sad because she shared her daughter's struggle with migraine headaches! Oh, so miserable, and hearing my friend cry on the phone was painful. As I head to the cupboard to grab something sweet, my go-to response when I am feeling sad—I say to myself, "Sweet pea, You are having feelings."
Too often, we think we need to speak up, set a boundary, and take action anything to stop feeling this way! But the truth is 99% of the time, this phrase fits—and we are simply having feelings.
If I am afraid at a speaking gig, that doesn't mean I should not do public speaking. It means—I am having feelings.
I am disappointed with my husband because he forgot to pick up my prescriptions when he was at the pharmacy. That doesn't mean I need to scream at him—I am having feelings.
I am embarrassed at a mistake I made on a work call. I don't need to call anyone and apologize or beat myself up—I am having feelings.
I have been working on acknowledging my feelings for years, and even though it still isn't ALWAYS my first response, it gets more comfortable every time I do it. I went kicking and screaming into acknowledging my feelings, so I take it as major progress that, almost as often as not, I acknowledge my feelings. And finding phrases like "You are having feelings." Helps me remember humans have feelings, and I am a human. AND feelings don't require action—they are just feelings.
Today notice how often the phrase "you are having feelings" fits into your life.
Ok, See you tomorrow!