Overfunctioning in your Body
"I GET it," a client said over the phone, glee in her voice, "I am going to over function, but NOW I can feel in my body when I over function.”
"Yes!" I replied, matching her level of glee. This was a HUGE ah-ha for my client—HUGE. This client had been working with me off and on for years, and this was a legitimate major a-ha because noticing over-functioning in your body is HARD.
I remember struggling with this lesson myself. When I noticed myself over-functioning, my Monger would hammer me, "Good Grief! You are over-functioning again. I thought you were trying to stop doing that!?!?.”
I had so much shame for over-functioning I couldn't get specific about what I was feeling in my body when I was over-functioning, so I couldn't catch myself doing it any earlier. Being kind to myself when over-functioning involved many rounds of A.S.K.
A, Acknowledge what you are feeling: embarrassed, ashamed, irritated, annoyed.
S. Slow Down and Get into Your Body: I would touch my toes and stretch my back.
K. Kindly pull back and see the big picture. Sweet Pea, Over functioning is one of your go-to coping skills—you are going to over-function, that's ok. Let's start noticing what it feels like in your body.
I practiced A.S.K. Each time I caught my Monger hammering me for over-functioning.
As I talked about on Day 5 of the Body theme in Spiral 3, I asked myself where I noticed it in my body each time I started noticing myself over-functioning. And each time, I gathered a little bit of intel about myself. One time I noticed my neck hurt. The next time I felt my heart racing. Over time I realized those symptoms were caused by the adrenalin that entered my bloodstream when I was over-functioning. My heart would race, my neck would hurt, and eventually, my back. At that point, until my back hurt, I don't notice the other symptoms because the adrenalin felt exhilarating. Yet another reason it takes a while to notice our unhealthy coping skills.
Then I started noticing the adrenalin, and I would challenge myself to practice A.S.K.
A, Acknowledge what you are feeling: irritated, annoyed about this damn coping skill.
S. Slow Down and Get into Your Body: Reach up for the sky and stretch with a deep inhale and exhale—do this three times.
K. Kindly pull back and see the big picture. Sweet Pea, let's slow down. SLOW DOWN. How about we try one task at a time? Let's just complete one thing before we jump to the other.
Then a few minutes later, I asked myself to notice what I felt like at that moment vs. what I felt like when I was over-functioning. As I share on day 3, building specificity around how you feel differently builds change using self-loyalty
Over time I started noticing when I over-function earlier. There are still days where it goes on longer than I want it to. There are days when I know I am relying on my over-functioning to push a little harder, but because I have an awareness of it, it doesn't spiral out of control (I will talk more about that next week), and there are days when I catch it right away and practice a quick round of A.S.K. And move on with my day.
In my 20s, if I had read this post, I would be so annoyed with the idea of self-loyalty that this process was so LONG and had so many potential ways of doing it wrong. But today, I am relieved that I can finally let go of the idea that there is one way. Using self-loyalty to help my anxiety means I don't have to beat myself up for every little miss-step. Instead, I can give myself kindness and try again.