Controlling or I Got This

Welcome to Day 2 of the Second Week of Beliefs. We are diving into the unhealthy coping skills we use to cope with our anxiety. 

So far, we have explored overthinking, perfection, and all-or-nothing thinking, and today we are looking at controlling. 

As a reminder, I am introducing you to these beliefs and exploring them with you, NOT for your to just stop doing them. Or for you to beat yourself up when you notice you are doing them. 

We are exploring these beliefs as a tool for you to notice when your anxiety is kicking in. The quicker you can notice your anxiety kicking in, the quicker you can take action. It is an act of Self-Loyalty to know and own your coping skills and make changes as needed.  

Belief #4 Controlling or I GOT THIS If I handle everything, I will feel better. The more anxious we get, the more control we seek. It is like the perfect match. Our Monger winds us up so much that we become consumed with being in control. When you notice yourself saying," "I got this," and also thinking, I am so overwhelmed I don't know if I can do it all, take a step back. 

I had a busy, stressful day, and my brain had been jumping from thing to thing client calls, recording a podcast, and returning emails all day long in a squirrel-like fashion.

So by the end of the day, my Monger was chiming in about everything. I ran down the stairs from my office like the Tasmanian devil and started cooking. I'm sure my Monger was there while I was cooking dinner. To be honest, I didn't even notice her because even after years of doing this work, she still plays in my head largely unconsciously. I'm familiar with my Monger chatting. I'm not saying it's pleasant, but it is familiar. And that is something we forget; like any abusive relationship, my line of normal or acceptable is skewed. While someone else who hasn't lived much of their life with a very loud monger would be horrified at what my Monger says to me, for me, oh, it's just another day at the office. 2.05

As I am cooking dinner, my Monger is beating me up because I was supposed to do laundry earlier in the day. I had officially run out of clean underwear that morning. This is where our Monger gets even more hard to shake because she had a point.

I was out of underwear. I needed to do the laundry. And because I have an abusive relationship with my Monger in my mind, I deserved her shame because I had dropped the ball and not done the laundry. And this is where it gets even stickier because I have a kind, caring, super-capable husband who could cook dinner or do laundry.

He would be willing to do anything I asked him to do. He had even offered to do the laundry earlier that day because he knew I was busy and out of underwear. But did I ask him to help and put the laundry in the washing machine? No way I got this. My Monger tells me, "you can't ask for help. That is weak, and he won't do it right anyway."

So I don't bother asking him. Anyway, I got this, and our Monger winds us up so much that we become consumed with being in control. As I said, it had been a stressful day, so I was already full of anxiety. One of the challenges of high-functioning anxiety is the more anxious you get, the more you push yourself.

When I came downstairs from my office and started manically making dinner and thinking about the laundry, I was primed for my Monger to jump all over me. At that point, the idea of taking a break or taking a breather was out of the question. My husband and I needed to eat, I needed underwear, and I was the only one who could solve all these major problems.

I say that tongue in cheek now because this is what my Monger wants me to believe, and I am at a point where I'm on to her. She simultaneously punishes us for doing it wrong. Also, convincing us we are the only ones who can do it. It's an abusive power trip. "You are an awful person for not being able to do it all. And you are the only one who could do it. "

When dinner was ready, I told my husband to dish up his plate. And that I would be right back. I wanted to run down to the basement and put the laundry in the dryer. As I was in the basement, flipping the laundry, as I call it, my Monger was chiming in.

"You told your husband dinner was ready, and now you're downstairs, messing around with the laundry?!?" she gripped.

What frequently happens in relationships is our BFF steps in. 

Here's what that looks like: 

I'm downstairs, and my Monger starts telling me to hurry up, and rather than my biggest fan, who is the voice of kindness and wisdom, my BFF steps in that voice of false self-compassion. And she says, where is your husband? And all this, it must be nice that he could just relax on the couch while you run around like a chicken with your head cut off.

So then my BFF gets me all fired up. I head upstairs, and I start yelling at my husband about how the power dynamic is off, and I do everything, and he's too lazy on and on. See what happened there. My Monger was chatting so much. I couldn't take it anymore. So my BFF stepped in to protect me and blame my husband. Just in this simple benign example, you can see how the Monger and the BFF can run amuck and wreak havoc in our lives.

But this time, my BFF didn't step in before my biggest fan reminded me that this was a storm of my creating.

: Are you kidding me? My biggest fan said, I worked all day, cooked dinner, and now I'm doing laundry, and you're going to shame me for not doing it fast enough. Good grief.

I got this thinking creeps up most often when we're running on autopilot. This whole laundry-dinner-husband situation is a perfect example.

I had been pushing all day, and I'd gone on to autopilot. Autopilot means my Monger is running the show. My to-do list is king, and my worthiness is all tied up in my productivity. I let my Monger go unchecked. And by the end of the day, she was in full control. If we want to stop, I got this thinking in its tracks we need to prevent this autopilot behavior. 

A great way to stop autopilot mode is to: 

Put in regular stop gaps in the day. Taking regular breaks, going for a walk, dancing in the office. Generally, checking in with yourself and slowing down.

Be kind. As you can see by the laundry example, these voices are insidious wily and persistent. We have to be kind to ourselves. I will regularly repeat to myself. You don't have all the answers, and that's okay to borrow from the movie Frozen II "what's the next right thing to do now?". 

So how could I have done that laundry day differently? I could have paused more during the day. I could have taken five minutes to mark the end of my workday and the start of my cooking dinner.

I could have acknowledged that my anxiety was high earlier in the day. And pause to see what was going on. I could have taken my husband up on his offer earlier in the day to start the laundry. I could have reminded myself that I didn't have to rush to move the laundry. I could have eaten dinner and then moved it.

 I got this is a form of all-or-nothing thinking. As I said yesterday, we need a little wiggle room.

I will be back Tomorrow to talk about the 5th belief, people-pleasing: if others are happy, I won't be criticized.

And if you have ANY thoughts, questions, or ah-ha's about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on the Ask Nancy Jane podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.

See you Tomorrow!