All or Nothing Thinking
Welcome to Day 1 of the Second week of beliefs.
Last week we started looking at how beliefs can keep us stuck in anxiety. Our unhealthy coping skills are rooted in these unhealthy beliefs. These coping skills might relieve our anxiety either through distraction or a misguided belief that we can perform ourselves out of our anxiety. But ultimately, these coping skills can cause more anxiety.
I am introducing you to these beliefs and exploring them with you, NOT for your to just stop doing them. Or for you to beat yourself up when you notice you are doing them.
Because our anxiety is so familiar and because we get such praise for the performance of our anxiety, sometimes it is hard to see it bubbling up. So we are exploring these beliefs as a tool for you to notice when your anxiety is kicking in. The quicker you can notice your anxiety kicking in, the quicker you can take action. It is an act of Self-Loyalty to know and own your coping skills and make changes as needed.
Today we are talking about All or Nothing Thinking. Our Monger loves to tell us there is a right and wrong way of thinking.
She lives in absolutes. She looks at the world in black and white, right and wrong, so she tries to convince us of absolute truths that are completely false. The problem is there are no absolutes. The higher my anxiety is, the more I want to find a right way and a wrong way to comfort myself. But when I live like this, I miss out on the many colors of life.
I got an alert on my phone, and I realized I had forgotten to pay the credit card bill. The minute I see the alert, my heart sinks. I know it will be ok, and yet my Monger starts chiming in:
"You are just an idiot with money. I mean, how could you have thought buying THAT was a good idea!! That was just STUPID. You will NEVER get ahead when it comes to finances. Your husband should just leave you now, and then where would you be."
This dialogue is an example of a Monger attack. She is just so absolute in her criticism. A vicious, just want to crawl in a hole because I am the worst person in the world attack.
According to my Monger, I am a stupid loser who will never get a grip on finances and will end up penniless and divorced all because I forgot to pay the credit card bill.
When we are in the midst of these attacks, we want to do one of two things.
Crawl in a hole and hide forever.
Lash out at our Monger and try to rationalize with her so she can see our side.
Sadly neither of these will work. The Monger is irrational; you will always lose a rational argument.
OBVIOUSLY, I will not end up a penniless, divorced loser because I forgot to pay the credit card bill. But if there is one thing the Monger loves, it is absolutes.
I ALWAYS overspend.
I am a TERRIBLE wife.
I will NEVER manage money right.
I will NEVER get ahead with money.
The key is recognizing that the Monger is attacking you using absolute thinking.
(Ideally, you will do this before you crawl into bed with your covers pulled over your head. But honestly, it doesn't matter when as long as you do it)
Notice the absolutes and ask: "Where can I add a little wiggle room?"
Practicing wiggle room means I give myself some grace, some softness around the Monger Message. Wiggle room is that place where my Inner Critic gets softened. This is the K in A.S.K. Kindly pull back to see the big picture.
When I add wiggle room, I step away from the absolutes and make room for my Biggest Fan, The Voice of Self Loyalty.
FROM: I ALWAYS overspend
TO: I did overspend this one time, and I can cover it, and it will be ok.
FROM: I am a terrible wife.
TO: Actually, I am a kind, loving wife who made a mistake.
FROM: I will NEVER manage money, right
TO: I have come a long way when it comes to overspending, this was a problem, but it isn't anymore. I made a mistake that was easily rectified.
The voice of self-loyalty is kind, direct, and wise. She owns the mistake, takes responsibility, and moves on. Owning the mistake without beating yourself up is the key. We can get stuck in rationalization when we don't own the mistake. The Monger will always win when we try to rationalize with her, and our anxiety will continue to spike.
When I catch my Monger speaking to me in absolutes, I will literally wiggle my body around to remind myself that there is room for grace and compassion here. This is the S. in A.S.K. Slow Down and Get into My body.
This is not the last time we will look at all-or-nothing thinking—we will be exploring this topic deeper and deeper as we move through the spirals.
Tomorrow I will be back with Belief #5. I got this. If I handle everything, I will feel better. The more anxious we get, the more control we seek
See you Tomorrow!