Hustling: Over Thereing
Today is our last day of covering beliefs in Spiral 1. Real change happens in spirals. We keep repeating lessons. It might feel like we are relearning the same lesson, but really, we are experiencing it at a new level with new insight.
In that spirit, we will be revisiting the theme of beliefs two more times in Spiral 2 and Spiral 3 on a deeper and deeper level.
Next week is our implementation week. It is a week off for you to catch up on recordings and implement what we have learned. After the implementation week, we will stay in Spiral 1, but we will have a new theme, Feelings.
But before I dive into feelings, I want to cover one more unhealthy coping skill we use to cope with our anxiety. So far, we have explored overthinking, perfection, people-pleasing, all-or-nothing thinking, controlling, and over-performing.
A reminder we are exploring these beliefs as a tool for you to notice when your anxiety is kicking in. Not as more ammunition for your Monger to use against you. The quicker you can notice your anxiety kicking in, the quicker you can take action. It is an act of Self-Loyalty to know and own your coping skills and make changes as needed.
So belief #7 is what I call over-thering. It is a different form of hustling, driven by the belief that if I could only get there, it would be better.
"Once ___________
I get a new job
The presentation is over
The school year ends
Vacation starts
The weekend
The kids are out of the house
I lose 30 lbs
Then everything will be better."
That used to be my mantra. I always lived for the weekend, for warmer weather, less stress, and more relaxation. I was always chasing SOMETHING. Because then I wouldn't have to accept where I was, and I wouldn't have to be present to my anxiety. I wouldn't have to hear the berating of my Monger. I could just tell myself—over there, and I will feel better.
I thought of this idea differently when my Dad got sick. We would be going through a stressful time with him, and I would automatically repeat the mantra, "Once we get through this, it will be better," and then one day, I realized what I was saying...once you get through this, what will be left? The next stage of this stressful time is for Dad to be dead, and I didn't want that either. I had the realization that there would be no 'everything will be better time' in this situation. And I started thinking about all the other times I told myself that, when I got a new job, when I got married, when we went on a vacation, and when I arrived at those places, life wasn't magically better. It was different but not necessarily better.
I realized that using this coping skill, I wasn't present in my life. I would spend all my time on vacation trying to slow time down to enjoy it that I wasn't present for vacation. I lived my life either in fast-forward or slow motion but wasn't present for any of it. I was always looking ahead and hoping for a time that something would magically turn me into a different person.
It's ironic: our Monger convinces us that once we get there, then we can relax, celebrate, and feel accomplished. But life keeps moving. Hard things keep happening. A new job brings new stress. Even a vacation can bring anxiety, so we can get stuck in this wishful thinking rabbit hole if we don't have coping skills for our anxiety. The finish line keeps moving because it is an external marker. We are chasing a continually moving prize because we think getting there will bring us peace, joy, happiness, success, or calm. But that feeling of peace, joy, happiness, success, and calm does not come from outside of ourselves; It comes from within.
Over-thering perpetuates a never-ending cycle. We don't feel happy, so we set a goal that we think will help us feel happy. We set the goal based on what people tell us we should want, but we still don't feel happy when we accomplish the goal. So we set about accomplishing another goal; we tell ourselves, this time, this goal will be the key to feeling happy, rinse and repeat. All the while, our Monger keeps telling us the myth that everyone else is happy, not struggling, and enjoying their lives.
Whenever I feel myself over-thereing, I will play Alanis Morrisette's song Incomplete (I linked it in the show notes) because it describes the unsatisfying chase of the over there. Here's my favorite part of the song:
"I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time
Of being forever incomplete."
I wish I could say since I had that ah-ha with my Dad, I don't engage in over-there-ing, but of course, I do. We wish stressful times away because we don't believe we can handle them. I would spend so much of my time beating myself up during the stressful time (compounding the stress ten-fold) that it was not surprising that I just wanted the time to go away. I needed a way to deal with that stress rather than will it away or run from it.
The first step is beginning to question this myth. Notice how often you convince yourself, When I accomplish ______, then everything will be ok. Start asking yourself, Do I want to accomplish ____? Or is that a message from somewhere else (e.g., childhood, society, friends, family, etc.)?
Spend some time looking at your day-to-day activities and seeing how often you push yourself to get over there. When you catch yourself over-thereing, bring yourself back to your body, put your hand over your heart, look at yourself in the mirror and lovingly remind yourself that you will be ok, there isn't a magical place where everything will be perfect. You will be forever incomplete. Through talking to ourselves with kindness while connecting with our bodies, we can start to unhook the power of over-thering.
And if you have ANY thoughts, questions, or ah-ha’s about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on the Ask Nancy Jane podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.
See you in 2 days.