Hustling: Over Performing
Welcome to Day 4 of the second week of beliefs.
So far, we have explored overthinking, perfection, all-or-nothing thinking, controlling, or I got this, and people-pleasing. Today we are looking at a way we hustle for our worthiness: over-performing.
A reminder we are exploring these beliefs as a tool for you to notice when your anxiety is kicking in. Not as more ammunition for your Monger to use against you. The quicker you can notice your anxiety kicking in, the quicker you can take action. It is an act of Self-Loyalty to know and own your coping skills and make changes as needed.
Hustling is a common theme for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety. Hustling is the #1 coping skill. The more I hustle, the less I have to concentrate on myself and the less anxiety I feel. Hustling shows up in many ways over-performing, being outwardly focused on a goal, struggling with rest, and constantly hammering ourselves to push harder and faster. Today we are looking at over-performing as a way of hustling.
I loved high school. I went to a small high school where I channeled all my energy into performing well. I took AP History, and English, was the president of the student body, and was active in everything from the band, where I played clarinet and sousaphone, to cross country. I received lots of praise for my leadership skills and my ability to juggle a lot of different responsibilities from teachers, my parents, and other adults. My Monger was always chatting—but I knew I could quiet her if I was hustling and achieving.
By contrast, I struggled in college. I went from being a big fish in a tiny pond to being a tiny fish in a HUGE pond. I took comfort in my leadership abilities, but at my college, there were students who were leaders in their school, but they had a student body of 1000 students, whereas I came from a student body of 200. My Monger was VERY loud, and I had a hard time quieting her. My anxiety was high—I was so overwhelmed by my classes and making friends I was hustling just to keep up. There was no overachieving, which made my Monger louder and me more miserable. I can see this dynamic at play throughout college and my early twenties. I jumped from job to job, social group to social group, desperately searching for a place where my hustling was met with praise, and when I found it, I poured all my energy into it. Because of this strategy, I dated men who took advantage of my over-giving, jobs that encouraged me to work late for minimal pay, and I often ran myself ragged for relationships and organizations that didn’t care about me. It wasn’t until my early 40s that I could see this dynamic. I now see I was searching for a place to ease my anxiety.
Looking back, I can see the positives and negatives of over-performing. Yes, it kept my Monger and anxiety at bay in high school, but I was also so busy making everyone else happy I lost myself. And then, by the time I got to college, I was completely lost, I had no idea how to be a person who didn’t try to over-perform, and my anxiety and Monger took over.
As a child, we learned that one way not to get criticized was to perform well—the better the performance, the better the praise. And bonus, when we concentrate on performing, we can push down our anxiety. So the belief becomes if I push harder, I will not feel anxiety, and if I accomplish a lot, I will feel better. Similar to people-pleasing, pushing harder is a distraction and a bottomless pit.
Now the temptation is to look at the surface level of this problem. And say to yourself, DUH, I KNOW that overperforming just leaves me exhausted and won’t protect me from criticism. I KNOW that I shouldn’t overperform. Knowing that is one thing, but acting on it is very different.
ALL of these beliefs are defaults for most of us. They are ways we cope with our anxiety. We engage in these behaviors not because we are broken but because they have served us.
Yes, a lot of this can start in the early years, but over-performing is still one of my go-to coping mechanisms as an adult. Over-performing is still one of my go-to coping mechanisms; it is so hard-wired that I will probably not get rid of it. So the key is catching the over-performing before I get too far down the rabbit hole. Early on, I would catch myself after weeks of over-performing. Now I can see it in days or even hours. I can notice my behaviors of losing sleep and pushing past being tired. The heady power I feel that I can do anything if I just keep pushing. It is a feeling of being super-human that is invigorating. Change happens when we start noticing our unhealthy go-to behaviors and thoughts. How does over-performing show up for you? Is it losing sleep, pushing yourself past being tired, working long hours, or missing activities that are important to you? Start paying attention to your thoughts and behaviors when you engage in over-performing. You might not notice it for weeks, but gradually it will become days and even hours.
When I notice the over-performing kicking in, I will practice A.S.K. Acknowledge what I am feeling, Slow Down, and get into my body. Kindly pull back to see the big picture.
When I acknowledge my feelings, I pull out my feelings sheet, and I start naming the 8-10 feelings that resonate. I am always surprised by the number of emotions that aren’t happy. I am surprised when sad or angry show up. That is the power of looking at the feelings sheet. Before I saw the words, I wouldn’t have thought I was sad or angry. After I slow down and get into my body, doing a full-body stretch, and grounding in my body, I pull back to see the big picture. Then I add a bonus step. I go to the mirror, look at myself, and say, Sweet Pea, here we are doing that old familiar coping skill of pushing to avoid our anxiety. It is ok to be sad. You don’t have to do anything with it other than admit it is there. Just allow that sadness; now take a big breath and stretch.“ Looking myself in the mirror helps build that self-loyalty. Over-performing is about looking outside of myself for the ‘right’ way. It is an unhelpful way of quieting my Monger. But The more I can bring myself back to my Biggest Fan, remind myself that I am ok, and get comfortable in my skin, the less power my Monger has.
And if you have ANY thoughts, questions, or ah-ha’s about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on the Ask Nancy Jane podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.