Season 2 Episode 8: Square Peg
In this episode, we explore embracing your square peg self rather than always trying to fit into a round hole.
In this episode, Nancy recounts a story of a moment where she didn't feel like she fit in her surroundings at all, but was able to find a very solid moment of connection with her inner voice of self-loyalty. Nancy shares a conversation with her childhood pastor, and friend, Gary Ritts. Gary tells the story of how he switched denominations partway through his ministerial career and never looked back. Finally, we get to hear a little more about Nancy's dad Ted, and how he inspired friends like Gary by being their human personification of the Biggest Fan.
Listen to the full episode to find out:
How to separate the voice of the Biggest Fan from the Monger and the BFF.
How to accept your own square peg style.
How to use moments of connection to tap into the voice of the Biggest Fan.
Stories and advice from Gary Ritts.
Resources mentioned:
+ Read the Transcript
Nancy : Hey guys, it's me, Nancy Jane Smith. Welcome back to the happier approach the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed a salon achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. Well, guys, we've finally arrived in the magical Land of Oz. This is our final episode of the season. On our journey down the yellow brick road to self loyalty, we've met friends like the biggest fan and foes like our old pal, the longer, we've talked with scientists and actors and walk through labyrinths, it's been quite a journey.
Nancy : This final episode is all about the final ingredient in the happier approach philosophy. Those ruby slippers you're wearing that can take you home to safety with a simple click of your heels. I'm talking about your inner sense of self loyalty. But even when we've done so much work to understand when that self low voice is speaking to us, it can be hard to separate out the noise of the monger or the BFF telling us that we're not good enough that we don't quite fit, that even though you're a square peg, you need to fit into a round hole. But when we're able to truly tune into our self loyalty, listen to that voice and begin to walk our own authentic path. That's when the magic really happens.
Nancy : My old office was bright and cheery, lots of natural light, fun, funky furniture and a bright orange accent wall. I loved my office, it was comfy and cozy and warm. This was a place I designed. It wasn't your typical therapists office, I had created my very own square hole for my square peg style. But there were a few downfalls to my office.
Nancy : Just because I had designed my office doesn't mean it was monga free. Some days my client appointments were spread wide apart, I would have a client at am pm and pm. So between clients, I would do writing or other work to spend my time. During those quiet work moments. My mongar would be loud, you're wasting time. And this writing sex, you aren't helping anyone with this crap. Her commentary was relentless. You are a crappy therapist, you are deep enough, you are helpful enough. Plus my cozy warm office was surrounded by a collection agency, which had rented all the other offices in my building. Often I would hear through the walls and agent on the phone trying to do collections. So we have a bill of $, from the lifeflight you had and if you make a payment today of $, we can start decreasing that bill. hearing those conversations was hard and also gave my mongar more fodder. You are so privileged it's so easy for you to sit here and judge. And the third downfall, the shared bathroom downstairs. Being the introvert I am I hated going to the bathroom downstairs, running the risk of running into someone or a group of people. And with my arthritis. Managing the stairs was particularly challenging because I had to hold on to the railing and hobble down the stairs. If someone was standing in the hallway, my mongar would start in. If you are in better shape, this wouldn't be so hard. You are just fat and out of shape. And now everyone can see that.
Nancy : And then there was the bathroom, dingy, smelly and hot. Inevitably one of the stalls would be unusable because it was clogged or out of toilet paper and the hand towels would be overflowing out of the trashcan.
Nancy : So one day I was having a particularly loud mongar day. I remember struggling with the grief over my dad's death and my mongar screeching you should be over this already. Why do you keep dwelling on his death? My biggest fan was trying to step in with grief takes time you will grieve him for the rest of your life. He was your dad your person. Of course, you're still grieving. And to top it all off, my arthritis was flaring and I was feeling beaten down exhausted and grouchy. By the time I made it to the bathroom, my head was spinning with all the shoulds of my mongar you should be in better shape. You should weigh less. You should be over your dad's death already. You should be more productive. You should be a better therapist.
Nancy : On and on and on.
Nancy : Even though I'd created this beautiful office space that fits my own unique style as a therapist, my mongar was still following me poking me in the ribs every chance she could get exactly where I had a bruise that wasn't quite healed yet. So how do we give ourselves grace in those moments? How do we tap into that feeling in our bones that we are on the right path? Even if that path seems strange from the outside, looking in?
Nancy : Right on time, but I got a little slack because I knew it was Gary. So I was like,
Gary : I take that knife right out of my back in a good thing. That's a good Oh, okay.
Nancy This is my old friend, Reverend Gary Ritz. Oh, shit, I gotta go. I forgot to tell mom that I was chatting with you. But I'll chat with her later today and tell her Oh, she listens to your sermon every weekend.
Nancy : She's a Gary devotee. Yes. Gary was the pastor at my church growing up. Even though he and his wife Judy only lived in our town in Ohio for a few years, they made a big impression on me and my family.
Nancy : Because you guys were unlike, you know, for me, I'm like any of our neighbors, or anyone we knew, because you were at that hippie dippie vibe that I was attracted to, but didn't have
Gary it was almost like stepping outside what seemed to be the normal culture around there, which farming country blue collar area. And all of a sudden, we're in with you guys. heartwarming and very normal and natural people. And we could talk what I felt like was on an equal level, not, you know, Minister to congregant. But as friends. I think that was the greatest thing that we became true friends. And there was no division among us.
Nancy Do you have any specific memories you would share about that time with us with our family
Gary it was an older house, beautiful, warm, had a kind of
Gary : a weathered smell about it, as I recall.
Gary : Always cooking going on. And you entered it and you just fell at home. As soon as you walked in, and your dad with his big welcoming voice and his huge laugh. I can still hear him laughing.
Nancy Gary's path to becoming a pastor started long before those afternoon spent with my family in Ohio.
Gary My father was a minister, my grandfather was a minister. And I can still remember I was in seventh grade and coming out of one of my father's churches after church, and somebody said to me, so what are you going to be when you grow up? And I just inadvertently said, Oh, I'll be a minister. And it just kind of kept going from there.
Nancy So Gary went to seminary school to become a Methodist minister, like his father and grandfather before him,
Gary I really didn't receive a sense of I'm in the right place until I was in seminary, because my faith was more of an intellectual pursuit, head trip, if you will. So I was just going through the motions. But then when I got to seminary, they had some interesting courses on spirituality and yoga, and getting in touch with the spirit within your body and listening to that other still small voice, not the big voice that's trying to overpower. And all of a sudden, it came alive for me. I thought I could do this.
Nancy Gary was beginning to carve his own path and the ministry, but sometimes working in the conservative Methodist Church, it just didn't feel right.
Gary The seeds of discontent were sown early for me, because I went to school out in Denver, Colorado, to a seminary that was very liberal and open minded. And I just remembered today that as I was out there, my internship was actually at a Congregational Church, UCC. So right away, I had an introduction to a different style. I was the Methodist going to this Congregational Church.
Nancy What's the difference between Methodist and congregational? Would you say
Gary two things, the structure itself is kind of the opposite. In the Methodist Church, it's sort of a power flow down the powers at the top. The UCC United Church of Christ is the opposite. The congregation is the final authority. The other thing, the difference is the Methodist Church is much more conservative in biblical understanding. And the UCC. The United Church of Christ is almost as liberal and open minded as the Unitarians, so their way left. So I was raised in a Methodist Church. I went to school to Methodist seminary. I started there in two Methodist churches.
Nancy But still, Gary didn't feel
Nancy : Like he was fitting into the Methodist mold,
Gary I began to sense the conservative trend around me. Even within the churches, I knew that there were those who wanted me to be different. And I wasn't giving them enough of the conservative side, it wasn't real vocal. But every once in a while I get the hint, I could play the game of the Methodist Church, you know, I could please the guys up in the offices. I knew how to do that. But I felt like it was being not true to myself. There was something missing. And then that was increasingly problematic for me. It felt like I was being disingenuous,
Gary : using the conservative language just to please people when I didn't believe it. And I found myself preaching a lot of messages more about personal responsibility and openness to other people and, and a faith that's based on what's going on inside you, not the Bible.
Gary : To follow a path that you you sense and that's not what they wanted to hear. But I just felt a little uncomfortable. Like I wasn't, I wasn't toeing the company line. I was feeling in myself that I this isn't working for me, I need to be honest with myself and with what some of my needs were and explore that side of me that was yearning for something different, something new.
Gary : The turning point for me, the tipping point was actually a puppet exchange where a minister from one church would switch places with the minister and another church was sort of like dominoes. One guy here, one guy there and one guy there, each of us would be in a different pulpit. So I happened again, to end up at a UCC church. And I love the people were very responsive. They love my message. The minister actually said to me, that I met him afterwards, he said, you know, you should look into the UCC, we'd be glad to have you. At that point. I asked mom. I said, Mom, what? What would dad have said, If I wanted to leave the Methodist Church. And she says, you know, he almost did too.
Gary : He had a run in with the hierarchy, as well. And only a couple years later, he left the pastor to become an administrative position in the Methodist Church. And I thought, well, and but she came back and said, but don't tell your grandmother.
Gary : I applied for a position in the UCC, I got a call from a church in Connecticut, in . And I was to be associate slash youth director.
Gary : And I thought, oh, that could be fun. We jumped ship in , and moved out to Fairfield, Connecticut,
Nancy now, nearly years later, and even though he's technically retired, Gary is still a pastor with the Congregational Church.
Gary When I look back over the sermons that I preached, especially the last years, almost every single one somehow touches the point of be aware of the spirit that is around you, like music and nature. And stories, stories were so important. I mean, I would always use the Bible as the basis. And I would make the point that Jesus was a storyteller. You know, that's, that's what he did. He tried to help people discover their faith alive within them. Like, Jesus isn't the end. It's what he represents. It's what's behind him. The cross isn't to be worshipped, it's what's behind that sacrifice, and compassion. And I always tried to teach that anyway, that I'm not here to preach. But
Nancy : so would you say you're even though you've switched denominations, your faith has stayed the same?
Gary Yeah, if not more open, the the older you get you realize that change as hard as it is, when you do change, you hope something will get better. And as you grow older, it doesn't always. So you begin to ask yourself more and more, what voice Am I hearing? What voice am I listening to? How do I figure out if that's my best friend or my big fan, or the longer that's talking? And I found myself that it's really important to be quiet
Gary : and just let things move within you and give it time. It's not something you can rush it you have to just sit with it for a while and do whatever you can do some journaling
Gary : Do some drawing or playing music or something that can help you get in touch with where you are in your journey and what you're really listening for.
Gary : It's important to name what's going on, I always tell the story that Jesus named the demons. And that's how you got control over
Gary : demons, I understand as negative thoughts, fear, monger talking, you know, if you can name those things, then you have more control over the source. And what you do with that. Self loyalty begins with knowing yourself. And that's not easy. To me, self loyalty means being, first of all aware of the self you're talking about. Explore your feelings, explore what you enjoy what you like to do, what you don't like to do. And then name those things. And then give yourself permission to choose what part of yourself you want to show, when it's appropriate, when it's when someone
Gary : will validate it for you. And be aware that there are those who will not. So it's okay to withhold a part of your true self. But find that authentic self first within yourself, listening to the voices that make you feel good about yourself, and worth something in the world, that you are lovable, and acceptable. That part is where you come from, choose it and make it work for others and for yourself, too.
Nancy : Since Gary is an old friend, and he knew my dad, Ted, the person who started my whole happier approach journey in the first place, I wondered, did he think my dad was self-loyal?
Gary As far as I could tell, I would say yes, he was a fast thinker. And he had his strong feelings about a lot of stuff. I don't remember ever getting into an argument with him because I knew it wouldn't be worth the effort. Because he was smarter than I was. Anyway.
Gary: His voice was one of wisdom. And that was I always appreciated it. He seemed to me to be a man of integrity. And I really admired that. And I think you could honestly count on what he said to you is His truth.
Gary : You know, that he wasn't hiding behind any image of himself or saying something I wanted to hear. You know, I think he was just very honest.
Nancy Okay. Do you have anything else to wrap us up? You would say or thought you'd leave us on?
Gary : Just thanks to to Ted, for being a person in my life. That Truly, I think accepted me as I was, and celebrated that because I certainly felt like I could be myself. So he's probably partly responsible for the fact that I am a United Church of Christ minister these days because he implied that it was okay to be myself.
Gary : Good fella. That guy.
Nancy He was good fella. You have me over here crying.
Nancy : I miss him.
Gary Yes, me too.
Nancy : But he was, but I think that was what was most. One of the most amazing things about him is his exterior. He was a biggest fan for a lot of people.
Gary Yes, yes.
Nancy And you wouldn't have known that when you first met him. But the people that took the time?
Gary Yep, you're right. He had kind of a gruff exterior. Yeah. But boy, what a soft guy he was.
Nancy : Gary's journey to self loyalty helped along by kind folks, like my dad really reminded me of how important it is to focus in on your true self loyal voice, to look at yourself right in the face and say, I may be a square peg, but I can find my own square peg path. And that's okay. In fact, it's exactly what I need.
Nancy : When we last left off, I was having a really bad longer day, struggling with grief over my dad's death, and attempting to take a breather in my dingy downstairs office bathroom.
Nancy : As I pushed open the door to the bathroom, I was greeted with that steel air of a poorly ventilated space. But one bright spot, I was alone. No one else was in the bathroom. As I exited the stall and made my way to the sink, I started washing my hands. I glanced up into the mirror to check my hair, make sure it looked presentable. But then, for some reason, I paused and I thought, wow, I rarely look at myself. I
Nancy : looked into my eyes and I said out loud How you doing? And initially I smiled thinking of that Joey from friends line. Once I made myself chuckle I looked deeper. I saw myself I saw my tired eyes, I saw my gray hair, and I softened. I started crying, just a few tears, but enough to freak out my mongar What are you doing? Stop crying. That's not appropriate. What if someone sees you? And then Fortunately, my biggest fan chimed in and said, Hey, sweet pea. How are you doing today? What's going on? I put my hands over my heart, took a few deep breaths. And I said to myself, you are okay. Right now you are safe and Okay, no matter what you're feeling. It's okay. I lingered there for what seemed like a long time, but was probably two seconds of just connecting with myself. During those few seconds, as I was making eye contact, I felt my biggest fan myself loyal voice. For a moment, I took off my professional mask of appearing to have it all together, being a good therapist being a good person trying to be on top of everything. And for a brief moment in that mirror, I just connected with me, the human being that is Nancy Jane Smith.
Nancy : Over the years, I've tried to find ways to connect with myself and honor the square peg that I am practicing self care messages, days off with plenty of idle time and even journaling. But those things never worked. sure I'd catch a small break, but nothing stuck. Standing in the dirty smelly bathroom and an office building filled with stress inducing business practices and strangers that I would avoid making small talk with, I was struck those few seconds in the mirror. That was true connection. I wasn't performing a version of myself that had it all together, I was looking at the real me in a place that I didn't feel particularly safe. I could get into that space of calm and centeredness just by truly making eye contact with myself in the bathroom.
Nancy : As I walked back upstairs to my office, I felt a sense of calm, a sense of connection. Being able to allow my tears allow my emotions and not turn my back on myself in that moment. That was important. It sounds extreme. But standing in the dirty bathroom stressed that someone would walk in and having such a deep connection with myself changed my life. I don't always need a massage a day off or many hours devoted to self care to reconnect with myself. To embrace my square peg. I just need to look at myself in the mirror. Really tune into that voice of self loyalty and check in how you do it.
Nancy : That's it for this week. And that's it for this season. Thank you for walking this path of self loyalty with us through all its twists and turns. We're working on some great stories for next season, and hope you'll stick with us for more chats with experts laughter and stories of self loyalty on the next season of the happier approach.
Nancy : The happier approach is produced by Nicki Stein and me Nancy Jane Smith, music provided by pod five and epidemics sound for more episodes to get in touch or to order a copy of my book, the happier approach you can visit live dash happier.com and if you like the show, leave us a review on iTunes. It actually helps us out a lot. Special thanks to Gary Wits for speaking with us for this episode. The happier approach we'll be back with another season this winter. Take care until then.