Bonus Episode: The Time I Hired a Matchmaker
In this extra-special bonus episode, Nancy tells a super personal story of self-loyalty with appearances from the Monger, the BFF, and finally, the Biggest Fan.
She describes how she created her new course: Self Loyalty School. She tells us how you can start looking to the inside rather than to what other people think is right, to cultivate self-loyalty and quiet your anxiety.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
- Nancy's super personal story of self-loyalty.
- Tips for quieting your anxiety through self-loyalty.
- How to sign up for Self Loyalty School.
Resources:
Learn more about Self Loyalty School:
- Go to https://selfloyaltyschool.com
+ Read the Transcript
Nancy: Hey guys, it’s me! Nancy Jane Smith. Before we kick off a brand new season of the Happier Approach– episode 1 will be dropping into your feed on March 4– I wanted to give you guys a little something extra special. Call it a belated Valentine’s Day card from me to you. What follows in this bonus episode is a super-personal story of self-loyalty. Hope you enjoy.
"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."
-Dr. Suess
"You will NEVER find someone you are too awkward, too much of a loner. You are just too neurotic to find a partner.."
This was my Monger's constant commentary as I entered my 30s. (My Monger is my name for that mean inner critic voice). I was single as I had been for much
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of my life, and I wanted to find someone to share my life with.
After trying Match, Eharmony, and countless blind dates from friends, I decided to hire a Matchmaker. My High Functioning Anxiety told me that I could overcome my lack of dateablity IF I found the right hack. I needed to find someone to tell me what I was doing wrong, tell me what I needed to change, and help me make the changes, so I could find a partner before I turned 35.
As I drove to my introductory meeting with the matchmaker, I was nervous and excited. This is it, I told myself she is going to fix me, make me dateable, and I will find someone to share my life with. Elizabeth, the matchmaker and dating coach, greeted me in the reception area, and we made our way through a maze of hallways to a small cramped office. She described her services, a dating makeover,
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coaching sessions, exact matches,and mix and mingle events. As I wrote a check for WAY too much money, I thought, this is it! This WILL work.
At the first session with Elizabeth we went through her suggestions. First up, I needed to read The book The Rules—a book written in the 90s giving women 35 rules to follow to 'land a man.' The rules included, Let him lead (not my strength because I love to be in charge), Be Mysterious (another ding I pride myself on being straightforward and transparent.) It even had advice on appearance: "Men like women who are neat and clean." It advised, "If you have a bad nose, get a nose job; color your gray; grow your hair long." Yep, what should have been a major red flag to my independent, no-rules-playing self was just one
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more thing I needed to change. I mean, clearly, I was doing it wrong, so the key must be–being less me.
At the time, I had short blond hair and was a few pounds overweight. So my dating coach advised me to lose some weight and grow my hair. She also told me to stop wearing a ring with a diamond in it my Dad had given me (one of my most treasured possessions) and wax my face, ok, just my upper lip. I headed to the salon to get the blond hair that no one had ever noticed removed from my upper lip. Not only was it excruciatingly painful, within a few hours, red puss filled bumps popped all over my sensitive skin. Yep, I was definitely going to attract a guy looking like this!
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Eventually, it was time for my photoshoot, and my standard sky blue crew neck cardigan sweater, which I felt brought out my blue eyes was NOT ok. Of course, I had to have something tight and low cut which I didn’t own, so off to the mall I went to find something Rules appropriate. The photos were cringe-worthy unnatural. I didn't even recognize myself in them. And of course, my Monger had a lot to say "OH MY GOD–you look ridiculous, you can't even look sexy when people are helping you! You are doomed!"
Even though none of this felt like me, I jumped through every hoop my matchmaker laid out because she fed into my belief that I was broken and flawed and needed SOMEONE to save me. To tell me HOW to be dateable. And my matchmaker was happy to take my money and my time.
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Finally, it was time for my dates, my upper lip was just recovering from the waxing debacle, and I was ready for my first date. The day of my first date, I put on my new tight, low-cut outfit, a far cry from the standard turtle neck, wool sweater, and jeans I usually wore.. As I was driving to the coffee shop, my anxiety was high, and my Monger and BFF were going at it. Monger: You are so awkward–I mean, you can put the sexy outfit on the girl, but that doesn't mean she looks sexy.
Followed by my BFF (the voice of self-indulgence and false self-compassion) Let's blow this off. Who cares what this guy thinks of you!? There is wine and chocolate at home, and you can put on your turtle neck and curl up with your favorite being, Pooh, my cat.
Not surprisingly, the Biggest Fan, the voice of Self Loyalty, was silent.
My date, Matt, greeted me, and he was cute! Score one for Elizabeth the matchmaker. But that was it. The rest of the date was
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him looking disinterested and me getting hammered by my Monger for not being entertaining enough.
Later, when I chatted with Elizabeth, she told me that he just wasn't interested. She then asked, "Have you read The Rules? Because if you had, then that date might have gone better." More fodder for my Monger.
When Date #2 came around, I told myself that I would follow The Rules and let him plan everything. But this guy, Brad, obviously didn't read The Rules because he was so passive he couldn't plan anything! After a couple of unsatisfying conversations, I broke The Rules and suggested we go to a bar and watch the NCAA Basketball tournament–it was March, and I love March Madness. But Brad didn't like bars or basketball–2 dings for Brad.
When I gave the feedback to my matchmaker about Brad not wanting to plan and me not being interested in him, Elizabeth gave me a lecture about being
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too picky and not giving him a chance. I wondered if she gave that SAME feedback to Matt, the first guy whose feedback was simply that he wasn't interested in me.
I was beginning to doubt the Matchmaker–but my Monger was strong. "This woman knows better than you. I mean, you have been so unsuccessful in meeting someone. Do you think you can do any better?!?! Obviously, you are too frumpy, unsexy and now, after reading The Rules, it is clear you are too bossy and too controlling. You will NEVER find anyone."
My friend, Doug, was one of my closest friends, a member of my inner circle. He and I had tried dating years ago but had decided we were better as friends. Doug had just moved back home after four years in Florida, and we were catching up on the news. I shared with him all the things my Matchmaker told me I needed to change about myself in order to find a man. As he listened
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to me talk about growing out my hair, removing the ring from my Dad, and getting my face waxed, he suddenly jumped up on the couch and stretched his arms out wide–THIS IS YOU, he said, energetic, dynamic, independent, and full of life. And then he scrunched back down on the couch and said, this is what she is trying to turn you into… don't let her…
I looked at him, stunned. He was the first person who didn't tell me I had to change to meet someone. The message was confusing, wait a minute, I don't need to change?!? The message that I was broken and undateable had been playing in my head for so long I couldn't understand what he was saying. Everyone else, including my Monger,
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was telling me I needed to change. I needed to be different. There was something broken in me, and I needed to fix it.
But at that moment, hanging out on the couch, Doug reminded me I was enough just as I am, and I was wasting time looking outside of myself. Once he pointed me in that direction, things took a different turn…
Shortly after that conversation on the couch with Doug, I fired the matchmaking service. AND I found someone I liked, fell in love, and got married.
And on our wedding day, when it was time to read my vows, this is what I said, You have given me the greatest gift possible. You let me be me. You let me be my anxious, intense, neurotic, controlling, stubborn, in charge, independent self. All while knowing and nurturing my emotional, laughter-loving, vulnerable, self too. You
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stretch me to become a better person, all while being my biggest fan and my greatest support.
That person was Doug–yep, the same guy on the couch.
We married a few years after this conversation. But that conversation was when I knew he was more than just my friend. The story of him on the couch also made it into my wedding vows because it was so impactful.
I am not sharing this to share how amazing my husband is (even though I think he is!) I am sharing this story because I spent much of my life looking outside of myself for the answer–when I get married, when I get my dream job, when I have a house, the list goes on and on. And once I have all of those things when that magical when appears THEN, my Monger will be quiet, and my anxiety will be less. But what Doug has
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taught me–and for sure it is the greatest lesson–it isn't about looking outside of yourself for the answer–it is about looking INSIDE—and being loyal to what is there.
We have been married for over ten years. The beauty is I found someone who appreciates and is willing to deal with my anxious, neurotic, overly controlling traits. Even marrying someone who accepted me 100 percent for who I am didn't fix me.
I spent most of my early adult years trying to fix myself to be more acceptable, acceptable in dating, acceptable in my work, acceptable in my friendships. I had no idea that it wasn’t about fixing it was about accepting. Accept myself as I was, imperfectly awkward. THIS is self-loyalty.
It isn't about hacking ourselves or fixing ourselves; it is about being loyal to ourselves and having our own back. When we are as loyal to ourselves as we
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are to others, we can stop pushing and start engaging in the activities that ease our anxiety.
There are so many self-help courses out there teaching you– just like the matchmaker said to me– that THEY can fix you. The answer isn’t someone else’s hack or someone else’s way. And it certainly isn’t about following the rules. The answer is to have your own back and be loyal to yourself even when it feels impossible. The answer isn’t out there– it is in you.
That is why create Self Loyalty School: to shine a light on that fact and make it approachable for everyone.
In Self-Loyalty School, I will be your Doug.
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Okay, so I won't jump up on your couch to show you who you are. And we're not going to get married. But I am here to guide you in building self loyalty so that you can quiet your High Functioning Anxiety and live with more ease and peace.
Nancy: Thanks for listening to this very special episode of the Happier Approach. To find out more about Self Loyalty School you can visit self loyalty
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school dot com. And for more stories of self-loyalty, stay tuned for our new season! We’ll be back with our first full episode in two weeks.
Nancy: The Happier Approach is produced by Nicki Stein and me, Nancy Jane Smith. Music provided by Pod5 and Epidemic Sound. If you like the show, leave us a review! It actually helps us out a lot.
Take care, until next time.