Episode 109: How To Feel Less Stress During the Holidays
In the spirit of the season, I am going to explore Four Holiday Landmines that can take your High Functioning Anxiety through the roof and offer some tips to help you ease your anxiety and enjoy yourself.
I come from a long, proud line of women dealing with High Functioning Anxiety. And never is this more apparent than during the holidays.
Take my mom, for instance.
She loves the holidays and wants to make them as fantastic and magical as possible. But, as those of us with High Functioning Anxiety will understand, she has a tendency to overperform and over function during the holiday season. And, as a result, the expectations and responsibilities of the festivities can be overwhelming.
This is why I thought it would be appropriate to conclude this month’s conversation around High Functioning Anxiety in our everyday lives by taking a closer look at how High Functioning Anxiety reveals itself during the holidays.
In the spirit of the season, I am going to explore Four Holiday Landmines that can take your High Functioning Anxiety through the roof and offer some tips to help you ease your anxiety and enjoy yourself.
In today’s episode, Four Holiday Landmines:
Quietly meeting or exceeding everyone else’s expectations of perfect gift-giving traditions
Desperately trying to recreate the perfect holiday get-together even when you’re missing loved ones
Single-handedly balancing conflicting needs and expectations while you share space with friends and family
Anxiously attempting to follow through on unnecessarily high expectations for holiday preparations
Listen to the full episode to find out:
How to start accepting ourselves as we are so we can start living the moment
How we can have happiness without devaluing the daily experience
3 Myths of When-Then thinking
And recognizing life’s daily opportunities so we can experience life more deeply and fully
+ Read the Transcript
I fell into the chair, my back was killing me, my feet felt like they might fall off in protest, and my head was pounding. “How have you done this all these years?” I said to my Mom in exhaustion. She laughed and said, “I LOVE Christmas! And it is exhausting for sure!” This was the first year my Mom started handing me the torch of being Mrs. Christmas. The first year she really let me behind the scenes of her magical Christmas workshop, I couldn’t believe it. When being on the receiving end of her work, everything seemed so effortless. Presents were wrapped perfectly, customizing the wrapping for each person. The food selection was endless and delicious, and the kitchen was always clean. But behind the scenes, I saw how much work it took to make everything appear effortless and holly jolly. Starting with Thanksgiving, I don’t think my Mom sat down once until after New Year.
Let’s be honest the holidays are the epitome of mixed emotions. Joy, Peace, and Jolly Merrymaking are combined with Exhaustion, FOMO, anxiety, and self-doubt. The holidays have it all! The PRESSURE around the holidays is immense.
“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”
All this month, we have been talking about High Functioning Anxiety and how to see it playing out in your everyday life. As today in the states is Thanksgiving, and we have officially entered the Holiday season, I thought it would be appropriate to talk about High Functioning Anxiety and the holidays. I know you are going to be surprised to hear, my Mom has High Functioning Anxiety :) Yes, she LOVES the holidays, AND yes, she Overperforms, over functions, and gets overwhelmed as we all do. Which is why I wanted to do this episode looking at how High Functioning Anxiety reveals itself during the holidays.
Like the meme I shared last week said, “It’s the Holiday season. Time to replace my everyday anxiety with my fancy holiday anxiety.”
In the spirit of the season, I am going to explore four landmines during the holidays that can take your HFA through the roof and offer some tips to help you ease your anxiety and enjoy yourself.
The first landmine Gift Giving
Every year someone asks me how they should address changing how they give gifts. My first answer to this question is that if we are even going to THINK about this very challenging conversation, it needs to happen WELL before November or December. Honestly, this conversation needs to start in January. There needs to be a lot of groundwork for this conversation.
So often, people will say to me that they want to buy homemade gifts or do a secret Santa rather than the big gift-giving frenzy we have done for the past 30 + years. It makes sense–you want to have less consumerism, spend less money on stuff that will eventually end up in the landfill, AND, quite honestly, gift-giving for people with HFA can be exhausting. We put so much pressure on ourselves to find the perfect gift that letting this search go and changing this tradition is a wise idea.
And yet, for some people in your life, gift-giving is a year-long event. They take the whole year to find the perfect gift (and enjoy it!), not to mention it is a tradition and changing traditions can be hard.
Two things I see happening the most around the holidays. First, we forget to look at the issue through the lens of the other. We don’t think about how much joy your cousin who doesn’t have kids gets from buying everyone in your family a gift. She starts in February and buys lots of little presents for everyone in the family. She would be devastated if gift-giving was ended.
And secondly, because those of us with HFA love rules, we tend to get stuck in black and white thinking. There are LOTS of ways to do gift-giving; it doesn’t have to be tit for tat. It doesn’t have to be big extravagant gifts. This is why the ongoing conversation is so important.
So if you want to change how your family does gift-giving, lay the groundwork early, make tiny changes and try to see it through the lens of your other family members.
Which takes me to the second land mine Missing Loved Ones.
Change is inevitable, we all know this, and yet when changes to traditions happen, we can become sad, angry, or even bitter. When we have HFA, we LOVE traditions, predictability, and knowing expectations. But Traditions change. People get married, have babies. Our loved ones grow older, and deaths can rock us to the core. So if your holidays are changing this year, here are some tips:
Acknowledge how the change feels.
Yes, you should be happy for your brother who just had a baby and has decided to spend Christmas with his partner’s family this year, AND You are going to miss him. Both are true. The tendency is to fall into blame and shame. Blaming his partner for taking him away from your family or getting angry at him for not being strong enough to stand up to his partner’s! ALL that drama can be avoided when we acknowledge all that we are feeling– the anger, sadness, disappointment, and excitement of having a new little one.
Maybe this year it’s YOU who can’t be home for the holidays, or you are going to your in-law’s house for the first time.
Maybe you have recently lost someone, and you are doing the holidays without them for the first time. Again, allow yourself to feel what comes up. There is no right way to feel when we are going through a loss. Give yourself room to feel how you feel. It is ok to feel sad, and it is ok to feel joyful. We put so much pressure on ourselves to feel a certain way around the holidays.
Make sure to ask yourself how do I want my holidays to feel, and throughout the coming weeks, be intentional about what you do or don’t do to celebrate.
The 3rd landmine Sharing space.
I don’t know about you, but I LOVE my space. I love, no I need my own space. I need time to regroup, and during the holidays, this can be hard to come by. There are so many people who might only see each other once a year, and here they are sharing close living quarters. This is another time when you might decide to change it up and stay at a hotel (again, give your loved ones LOTS of notice on this one). But if you are sharing space for a few days, here are some tips:
Be honest with yourself. The tendency is to push yourself too far and convince yourself you are fine. Then all of a sudden, you are imploding (or more likely exploding), and your family is like, what the hell just happened? So to avoid this drama, be honest and take time for yourself.
I have noticed that when I need space, I tend to play with my phone more. I will constantly be checking social media or refreshing to read useless facts. Now, rather than just sitting there not engaging (because I am on my phone), I will leave the hustle and bustle to take a walk, sit quietly alone, or even lie down for a nap. I remember the first time I did this. I thought it was going to be a big deal; people would wonder where I was and think something is wrong. I had quietly said to my husband, “I am going to take a break,” and he said ok. When I returned to the celebration, I realized no one had missed me. I wasn’t greeted with “are you ok?” or where were you?” I was greeted with “hey, welcome back” (As if they hadn’t even noticed I was gone!) Feel free to step away from political conversations as well. Some people LOVE debating politics, and some people hate it. Either way, be true to yourself and take a break. You don’t have to engage.
The 4th landmine is Holiday Expectations and Preparations.
This is where your HFA can kick into high gear. (Hi Mom!!) Yep, we can pour all of our anxiety into holiday prep. Finding the perfect gifts for each person on our list, holiday decorating, the family photo for the holiday cards, and making sure your kids experience a fun-filled, holly, jolly holiday. PRESSURE. It is A LOT of pressure. Too often, our HFA kicks in, and we are obsessed with having the most amazing house on the block or meticulously placing each ornament on the tree. I can remember how stressed I would get when we would buy our Christmas Tree. It HAD to be perfect. No holes, no saggy branches. I would hem and haw and look at all the choices.
And then, one year, I realized, with all the ornaments and lights, it doesn’t even matter. And my favorite trees are the ones that have a little character. Perfection is overrated.
Here’s a little secret: Sometimes, all that doing, planning, and prepping bring you joy. I LOVE cooking for my family when they come into town, breakfast casseroles, cakes, cheese balls, and cookies. I love finding new recipes, getting up early the days before the holiday, and hustling around the kitchen. Just like my Mom loves being Mrs. Christmas. All that work brings her joy. There is a fine line between feeling joyful and feeling overwhelmed.
When you stop enjoying what you are doing – when you are frustrated, angry, or demanding – then it is time to ask yourself, why am I doing this? One of my favorite questions to ask myself (especially around the holiday season) is: Will this matter one year from now? Will I remember? And more importantly, will anyone around me remember?
It is a powerful question that I saw play out first hand at Thanksgiving last year. We had spent Thanksgiving with my aunt and uncle the year before, and it was a wonderful feast. I remember lots of laughter and delicious food.
So I was surprised when my aunt was going over the menu for Thanksgiving, and she quickly said, “And the stuffing WON’T be dry this year! I promise.”
My husband looked at me and said, “Do you remember the stuffing being dry?”
And I laughed and said, “I don’t even remember the stuffing!!”
My aunt looked at us puzzled and then started laughing. Yep, she had spent the past 12 months beating herself up about something that none of us remembered. Her Monger was hammering her for something that only mattered to her.
When it comes to last year, I remember feeling connected, peaceful, and joyous. I don’t remember the stuffing.
Keep this in mind when your start pushing, hustling, and stressing over the holidays.
If I asked you how do you want your holidays to feel? I bet you would say something like peaceful, happy, and jolly. But too often, we allow our HFA to take over, and the holiday becomes about drama, stress, and exhaustion.
There is one last thing that I want to cover, and I will make this quick.
It is ok to say No.
You DO NOT have to say yes to every invite. Parties, festivities, and merrymaking – pick and choose. Say yes to the activities that you will enjoy and say no to the activities that will drain you. You don’t have to say yes to everything.
AND let’s be real– there are going to be events that you have to say yes to even though you don’t want to go. Because of this, energy management is key. For those “obligation” events, make sure you have a plan to manage your energy. Maybe you and your spouse drive separately so you can go late or leave early. Have a sign with your partner or co-worker so you can quietly let them know when you are stuck or overwhelmed. Take regular breaks. Go outside to get some air, head to the bathroom, etc.
Energy Management is also key if you are looking forward to an event. You want to have enough energy to enjoy yourself. You don’t want to be tired and cranky for your favorite holiday gathering. Often we get so caught up in our to-do list we forget to enjoy the fun parts of the holidays. Remember to make sure that you are taking the time to look up from your holiday expectations and planning to actually enjoy the holiday. That is one thing my Mom taught me– as hard as she works to do a fantastic magical Christmas, she soaks up every minute of the holiday, too. Her HFA can run the show, but it doesn’t get in the way of her celebrating the holidays.
Finally please don’t forget the most important part of the holidays. Kindness. Kindness to yourself. Kindness to others. We are all human beings with our own doubts, insecurities, and fears.