Episode 104: Self-Loyalty Starts With Better Self-Care
In today’s episode, I take a closer look at self-care and how it isn’t just yoga, bubble baths, and breathing apps. Self-care done well is the ultimate in self-loyalty.
Recently my husband had an extended hospital stay.
The number one question I received from my well-meaning friends and family was: How are you going to take care of yourself while he is in the hospital?
“The best I can,” I told them. But this just did not satisfy their curiosity.
They wanted to hear about all the bubble baths, yoga, and meditation I had planned for this stressful time. But I knew better. There wasn’t a bubble bath in the world that was going to make this easier.
My husband was in the hospital. It was going to be stressful. I didn’t know what to expect. The self-help industry's idea of self-care wasn’t going to be any help. I was simply going to do the best I can.
All this month we are looking at how the self-help industry has sold us a bunch of toxic information. And for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety who love looking outside of ourselves for the answers, this toxicity is especially troubling.
In today’s episode, I take a closer look at self-care and how it isn’t just yoga, bubble baths and breathing apps. Self-care done well is the ultimate in self-loyalty.
Listen to the full episode to find out:
How the idea of self-care has gotten out of control
The 3 main issues of self-care are for people with HFA
How we associate busyness and stress with prestige and status
How we have made self-care synonymous with self-indulgence
How we wrongly believe that we are undeserving of self-care
How we can go about building self-loyalty
And what we can do to define self-care for ourselves
Research and resources mentioned:
The Journal of Consumer Research on busyness and lack of leisure as a status symbol
My books on living with High Functioning Anxiety
And how you can work with me one-on-one
+ Read the Transcript
Recently my husband had an extended hospital stay. The number one question I received from well-meaning friends and family was, How are you going to take care of yourself while he is in the hospital? I replied, “the best I can.” And they always persisted, “no, really how”? I felt like they wanted me to say, “well, I will start each day with yoga and then use a calming app throughout the day to make sure my breathing is normal, and then I will make sure at the end of each day I will take a bubble bath.” I mean, come on?!? My husband is in the hospital. It is going to be stressful. I don’t know what to expect, and I am going to do the best I can. The idea of Self-care has gotten out of control. It isn’t just yoga, bubble baths, and breathing apps, self-care done well is the ultimate in self-loyalty.
“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”
This month we are looking at how the self-help industry has sold us a bunch of toxic information. And for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety who love looking outside of ourselves for the answers, this toxicity is especially troubling.
These caring, loving people aren’t trying to be difficult. I believe they have fallen prey to the self-help’s toxic definition of self-care. Which is no matter what is going on around you if you do enough self-care you will always stay zen and calm. This just isn’t true. First thing, Let me put your mind at ease, you aren’t doing self-care wrong, we just have a warped definition of what self-care is.
So how did I do self-care during my husbands hospital stay? I regularly took breaks to chat with close friends and family and usually walked around the hospital while I was chatting, I set up a caring bridge site so I didn’t have to update everyone all the time, I went home each morning and cooked a good lunch for my husband and I. I would turn on some music, dance around the kitchen to blow off steam and cook us a good lunch. I love cooking and good nutrition can be hard to come by at the hospital. So my version of self-care looks very different from the yoga and bubble baths, but it works for me. Because it is mine.
For the sake of this episode, I am defining self-care as consistently checking in with yourself and making sure you are taking care of your needs. Self-care can look like taking a walk, reading a book, eating a chocolate chip sundae, saying no, having a drink with a friend, cooking a healthy meal, finishing a project that has been bugging you for a while. In fact, self-care can look like anything at all as long as it is something you want to be engaging in that brings you peace and or joy.
I believe there are 3 main issues with Self Care for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety
So the first issue for those of us with High Functioning Anxiety, self-care is usually the LAST thing on the list. We are so busy doing and checking things off the list, we forget about self-care. Which is probably why so many people kept asking me about it before my husband went into the hospital. This is also why it is so important to expand the definition of self-care from yoga, meditation and bubble baths to something with a bit more wiggle room.
When we do practice self-care we make it yet another SHOULD on the list. Self-care becomes something we have to WORK on instead of something we just DO. Rather than making it a practice to regularly check in with ourselves and see how we are feeling, and what we might be needing we push and push ourselves to the point of breaking and THEN we WORK on self-care.
In fact, Journal of Consumer Research has published research showing that Americans associate busyness and stress with prestige and status. How impossible is that? We SAY we want to be less stressed, to find more joy but we equate busyness and stress with prestige and staus
We use Fitbits and Meditation apps all in the quest for self-care. But for those of us with HFA they become another thing for us to monitor and compete against ourselves and others on. Self care requires no money. It doesn’t have to be the latest app, class or weighted blanket. Self care is simply listening to your self with kindness.
The second issue is that because we are so uncomfortable giving to ourselves we have made self-care and self-indulgence synonymous. We overspend, overeat, over drink, and over device all in the name of self-care.
Yes, self-care is individualized and it is also nurturing. Self-care doesn’t give us a headache or stomachache the next morning. It doesn’t cause our anxiety to fly through the roof because we ran up our credit card or have a hangover. Self-care is gentle, kind and nurturing. Somewhere we learned that self-care is supposed to make us happy at the moment, but in reality, self-care might not make us happy at the moment and still might be the best thing for us. Every morning my dog wakes me up bn 5:30 and 6am. Every morning I think Ugh, I wish he didn’t do this. He greets me with his tail wagging and is so excited to go on his walk. We walk through the streets of our litte town usually not seeing a soul because it is so early. Every day I dread our morning walks, and every day I LOVE our morning walks. They make me feel better, they give me time to think, the allow me time to bond with my dog, and sometimes we can catch the most glorious sunrise. This is self-care, I don’t bound out of bed excited to face the day and see the sunset. But I know on the days I walk the dog, I feel better, and my day goes better.
The third issue I have found with my clients and myself with High Functioning Anxiety is we get caught up in deserving. When there is something we enjoy or activity that makes us happy we tend to put off doing it. Sounds crazy right? But I bet you can relate. Have a stack of library books on your nightstand? Because one day you will sit outside on your deck and read. Love painting? I bet you dream of one day taking your paints to the park and painting. Know that journaling and working out in the morning helps you feel better and yet you never do it and not because you are lazy but because everybody else’s needs come before yours. We procrastinate and put off what gives us energy. We tell ourselves one day, once everyone is out of the house or when we deserve it THEN we can do the thing we love. This isn’t about deserving, this is about being human and living a life where you get to do things you love.
Usually, at this part of the episode, I give a strategy or for practicing the subject at hand.
Today’s tactic is simple and easy. The goal is to slow down the go-go-go mentality so you can check in with yourself and start building self-loyalty. Self-loyalty means checking in with yourself first before looking to the outside world for direction and advice. Self-loyalty means you know what you feel, want, need, desire and hope for. For many people with HFA self-loyalty is a mystery. They have spent so much of their lives running away from their thoughts, feelings and needs being curious about them feels downright wrong. So today I am going to share some simple tips for building self-loyalty so you can engage in more self-care.
Set the alarm on your phone to randomly go off a few times a day, or create a ‘rule’ that every time you get in the car, hit a stoplight or hang up the phone you have to check in with yourself. Whenever you hear the alarm or do one of the rules Ask yourself how do I feel? what do I need? Or engage in the 5 senses meditation. When your alarm goes off, ask yourself what do I see, hear, feel, touch and taste? You can do it with your eyes open and it can take as little as 30 seconds to as much as 30 minutes...it is up to you.
Building self-loyalty is a key part of getting out from under the constant search to better yourself. Learning how to create unique individualized self-care rituals can help you reduce anxiety and be more engaged in your life.
It’s no secret that I have a bone to pick with the self-help industry. The solutions it sells leave women living with hidden anxiety--women like you--with more stuff to be anxious about. Or worse, it turns you off from getting help completely.
I want to help you dial back the overwhelm and overthinking with a set of tools designed just for people like you. It’s not woo-woo. It’s not trying to positively think your challenges away. And I’m certainly not going to tell you to start living your best life.
I work one-on-one with women like you to deconstruct why anxiety creeps up on you and give you something to do about it.
Here’s how it works:
First, we meet for an extended 90-minute session to uncover your stories and habits. You know, the ones that keep you stuck.
Then, you continue to work with me on-demand through an app that lets you leave a message for me any time you start to feel anxious or whenever you feel the Monger attack. I’ll get back to you with action steps for moving through the discomfort and finding peace. Plus, you’ll continue to meet with me for monthly sessions, too.
Working with me this way is an incredibly efficient and effective way to deal with your anxiety in the moment--without waiting for your next appointment.
One of my clients said: “Having this seemingly on-demand access to Nancy helps me build awareness around my feelings and manage my anxiety with real time feedback. And honestly, the mere fact that I can contact her anytime creates a feeling of awareness and reassurance that’s been invaluable.”