Episode 015: A Live Happier Red Flag: I SHOULD be Happy
One of the biggest red flags to me is when someone says, I should be happy.
+ Read the Transcript
Earlier this week, I was with a friend, and we were talking about her and her husband. They had some issues over the years, and they're trying to work it out.
He's trying hard to be there for her. He shows his love by giving her gifts to shower her with love, gifts, and financial support. Over a glass of wine, she said to me, "I should be happy. A lot of women would kill to get all these gifts. A lot of women would love to come home and receive all this stuff I'm receiving. But it's just not hitting it for me. And I feel horrible because he's trying so hard, and I'm just so ungrateful."
She went on about this for a while. And then finally I said to her, "What if, what he's doing to show his love, just isn't hitting it for you? Instead of beating yourself up for, I should be happy with what he's giving me, get clear on what would hit the mark for you. Then express that to him so he can hit the mark better and start giving you the things that you need from him." And she was said, "Oh my gosh, that's so true."
I said, "instead of feeling guilty, recognize it's okay that this stuff isn't hitting the mark. I need to figure out what does." And so she said, "Oh my gosh, that'd be a great podcast. You should consider podcasting about that." And we were laughing, and here I go, podcasting about it. But I think that is such a live happier red flag that we get stuck in.
I should be happy. I should be happy. I have a good-paying job. I should be happy. I have decent benefits. I should be happy. I have a great husband. When we say the phrase, I should be happy. It usually means one of two things.
First off, you're convincing yourself that you should be happy based on someone else's definition of happiness.
Someone else told you that this is the perfect job or benefits are key to all of life or what a dream home is supposed to look like. And so to live up to someone else's standard of what happiness is. You're convincing yourself you're delighted with that aspect of your life. In this option, when we say I should be happy, we're attempting to convince ourselves of something that isn't true for us. So it's important to do a sincere gut check. When we hear that phrase and ask ourselves, according to what standards should I be happy?
Am I living a life based on my standards or someone else's, and are there changes I need to make to live more in line with what I intend for my life? And that's what I encouraged my friend to do. She's living by someone else's standards. Some other woman someplace else would love to get gifts and would love to have her husband shower her with presents, and that's okay. But that isn't what my friend wants. She doesn't want the gifts, and that's okay. She needs to get clear and express that rather than sitting in this muck of saying, I should be.
The second option when people say I should be happy is you're actually living in the messy, and you're holding two very different truths. And that is an uncomfortable process.
*You have a good-paying job, and it isn't really what you want to do.
*You just had a baby that you love and adore, and it's hard being a new parent.
*Your husband is fantastic, and sometimes it's hard to live with another person.
*You have decent benefits, and you're starting to wonder if it's worth the sacrifice to hate your job so much for the sake of good benefits.
One of the many mysteries of life that I'm most struck by is that eternal blend of positive and negative. The idea that life will forever be messy, no matter how much we strive to have it tied up in any little bow. There will always be tragedy and joy intermixed together, and getting comfortable with these two ends of the continuum and bringing them closer together is a lifelong process.
When we're saying, I should be happy to convince ourselves to suck it up, forget the challenges and look at the positive. We run ourselves ragged. And so it's important to embrace the mess and to give ourselves a break. It's okay. To love what we have and to want more. It's okay to be holding both of those.
You have your dream house, and it has a lot of work to do on it.
You have an amazing husband, and he doesn't always hit the mark every time.
And the more we can be truly honest about what's going on, the better off we're going to be. So pay attention when you start saying I should be happy, stop and ask yourself, what's going on here? Am I living by someone else's standards? Like my friend was about what happiness looks like, or am I avoiding the messiness of life? And I think that shows up in other ways. Sometimes by "avoiding the messiness of life," we get stuck in our lives, and we get stuck because we don't want to move forward.
We don't want to decide what comes next. A typical example of this is I don't like my job, and I don't know what to do next. And so we think about all the options.
*I could go back to school.
*I can move to Jamaica.
*I could stay at my current job and ask for a raise.
*I could move companies and do the same job.
*I could do nothing.
Yeah. The possibilities are endless. And then we think of all the shoulds.
*I should be making more money.
*I should be responsible.
*I should stay where I am for the kids.
*I should have a Master's degree.
*I should study something appropriate and on.
We get trapped in those shifts. More often than not. We choose the do-nothing option, not because it's what we want necessarily, but because it's less painful.
Frequently, the wants and the shoulds are contradictory, and we can spin and spin on all the options, contradictions, and possibilities. And we stay put doing nothing. Sometimes that's okay. Sometimes the timing is off, and we know what we want to do, but it isn't the right time.
You don't have the appropriate funding. We aren't quite ready yet. The kids are too young, or we need to do some research, but the danger comes when we aren't intentional about what's happening when we stay stuck. Not because it makes sense, but because the battle between the wants and the shoulds is too great.
When we go back and forth ad nauseum, and we aren't intentional about what's happening, that's when we get into trouble. So when the shoulds overwhelm us. The shoulds of you should get a master's degree. You should do all this. You should be this perfect person and have this perfect job and be making tons of money and love your job too.
No wonder we get stuck. The problem is when we're shoulding all over ourselves, we're not making a decision. So to go back to the debate, I want to find a different job. I'm not happy where I am. The timing may not be right, but I'm going to start applying for jobs, and I'm going to see what's out there, and that's a fair assessment, and you're moving forward slowly but surely.
And you're making decisions as you go. But when we get stuck in, I should be this, and I should be that. And I should be this. We never move forward. We never do anything because we're stuck in what we think we should be rather than facing what's going on. We get stuck in the possibility of where we could be rather than embracing; this is where my life is right now. Right now. I need to be making money for my family. So right now, I'm not going to have a fabulous job that I love. Cause I have a job that makes a ton of money. That's okay. So I'm going to do other things that make sure I add to my life, and I'm going to start setting myself up so I can get there.
I can't take it one more minute. I hate my job so much, and I'm dumping this on my family, and I'm so miserable, and they're miserable. And so we're going to figure out a way to cut back so I can find another job. Maybe make less money and still be happy.
When we're honest, we can develop solutions, whether the decision is large, small, impacting the long-term or the short-term. Whenever we're listening to the voice of the should, we will remain stuck, and we most definitely will not be living happier.
So I challenge you this week to pay attention to how often do you say I should be. Every time you hear the word should check it, check yourself. Because should, is not a way to guide your life. That is not a way to make decisions to move forward.
Whenever we're shoulding on ourselves, we're just spinning our wheels. Basically, we're not getting anywhere. So we need to be paying attention to how often we say I "should be." Because should keeps us stuck.
+ Weekly Ritual Challenge
One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.
This week's ritual: just brush your teeth.
And I'm putting this out there because I am the queen of multitasking while brushing my teeth. I can brush my teeth, fill up my water glass, brush my teeth, and make the morning coffee. I'm constantly doing something while I'm brushing my teeth.
This week, I decided to implement the ritual of just standing in one place and brushing my teeth to be fully present to my teeth and doing a body scan. And it's made a big difference in my stress level. I challenge you to do the same thought. It might be a fun weekly ritual.