The BFF
Welcome to the second week of foundations. The goal for these two foundation weeks is to cover the basics. Don't worry; we will be diving deeper into all of these topics in the coming weeks.
Before we jump in, I'd like to do a quick review
We had five main takeaways last week:
All change is incremental, and as we change, we move in spirals, learning the same lesson on a deeper and deeper level.
There are three layers of anxiety: the anxiety, the coping mechanisms we developed to cope with our anxiety, and the secretiveness.
Self-loyalty means having our own backs and honoring our thoughts, feelings, and needs. It is a key to quieting our anxiety.
Many people with High Functioning Anxiety grew up being praised for ignoring their instincts and taking care of other people to the detriment of themselves.
The Monger is one of the characters in our heads. She is the ever-present voice of criticism and shame.
Today I want to talk about another character, the counter to the shaming voice of the Monger, the BFF.
The BFF is full of drama. (When I named her, I was picturing an "Oh My God!" stereotypical valley girl who would call her friend her "BFF, I mean, like, TOTALLY!"). When we get tired of our Monger criticizing us, we bring in our BFF for a little self-compassion, but it often ends up going overboard into self-indulgence (aka doing whatever you want). She is always up for anything, has a feeling of superiority, and isn't afraid to be judgy and gossipy.
I can have a day of writing planned, and before I know it, I am downstairs eating a bag of chips, watching Real Housewives, completely unaware of my internal dialogue. My Monger saying, "Who do you think you are? You have nothing new to say. You are just wasting time with this writing thing." She was shaming me so much that my BFF stepped in to say, "You need a break. You have written enough for today. Let's go downstairs, have a snack, and watch some TV."
While the Monger uses shame to motivate the BFF steps in to offer relief with self-indulgence, she is not about holding your feet to the fire or keeping you accountable but can always find a justification and someone to blame.
Listening to the BFF can feel awesome, and she can be trouble.
Whether your BFF tells you to eat all the Oreos or it's some other indulgence, her version of self-indulgence presents like this (use BFF Voice)
You are always right.
They are always wrong.
You deserve whatever your heart desires.
I will protect you to the death.
I used to love my BFF. She was a welcome relief from my Monger, who would shame and belittle me all day long. My BFF would jump in to relieve the pressure and encourage me to eat whatever I wanted, stay up too late, binge whatever TV show I desired, or procrastinate on a project until the very last minute.
The BFF commonly shows up in four ways. Overindulging and numbing, telling you what you deserve, judging, and drama.
1. Overindulging and Numbing: For me, this looks like over-eating or watching too much TV. But anytime you are drinking too much, eating a whole pint of ice cream, shopping with no regard for your budget, or spending the whole weekend hiding out bingeing on Netflix, your BFF is probably running the show.
2. I DESERVE your BFFs love to tell you that 'you deserve' things. This language is a sign that you are in the trance of the BFF. Have a bad day? You deserve a glass of wine! Have a good day? You deserve a glass of wine? She can justify anything. The question I will ask myself is, I might deserve it but do I WANT it and the repercussions that come with it. Saying you deserve takes the power away from enjoying it. If you WANT the 3rd glass of wine, drink it in good health, and enjoy every last drop, not because you deserve it but because that glass of wine will add to the enjoyment of your life.
3. Judging: Your BFF loves to judge other people to protect you. She is the first to point out when someone else has failed, looks bad, or is not doing well. In an effort to have your back, she will quickly point out others' flaws to make you look better. This is the hardest one to see (probably because it is the most uncomfortable to admit.)
For me, my BFF comes out any time I am listening to someone who has a different opinion than me, whether it be something heated like politics or benign like what to have for dinner. If they have a different opinion, my BFF will immediately attack them and become this mean, petty person.
Over the years, I have been able to recognize this, so now the first thing I say to myself when I hear my BFF slamming someone for their thoughts is, "am I supporting my own thoughts here?" I can usually hear my Monger slamming me for being too opinionated, and I remind myself I need to have my own back and not belittle someone else. Slamming them isn't going to make my opinion more valid.
4. Causing Drama: Your BFF also LOVE drama. Drama deflects from reality. She loves to complain, whine and encourage you to share the story over and over again. She can make everyone else the problem and you the poor misunderstood hero.
Whenever I notice myself displaying any of these behaviors, I recognize that it is my BFF talking which usually means my Monger has been chatting. Like a protective older brother, the BFF comes to protect you from the bully voice of the Monger.
Our BFF's other skill? Self-sabotage.
When our Monger gets too loud, our BFF is the first to encourage us to take the day off, stop pushing so hard, and procrastinate. This behavior is why many people believe they need their Monger to shame and belittle them into action — because their BFF is just a little too loud. That is a myth.
But you don't need the Monger or the BFF.
Notice yourself procrastinating, making choices that aren't supportive of your goals, and always saying to yourself next Monday. I will finally _______. All of that talk is your BFF.
It is a cycle—the Monger jumps in to remind you how terrible you are and what a disappointment you are—BFF jumps in to stick up for you and release some of the pressure of your Monger. They both might be well-intentioned (your Monger trying to motivate you and your BFF trying to keep you happy), but the results leave you feeling miserable and stuck.
This BFF vs. Monger wrestling match is the root of anxiety. Tomorrow I will be talking more about this dynamic and what we can do about it.
See you Tomorrow!