Monger vs BFF Wrestling Match

Welcome! Yesterday I introduced the 2nd of the 3 characters that play in our heads. The first was the mean inner critic voice, the Monger, and the second was the voice of self-indulgence, the BFF. Before we dive into the 3rd character, I want to pause and dive deeper into the BFF vs. Monger wrestling I mentioned yesterday match, which can cause a lot of overthinking and anxiety. 

The BFF vs. Monger wrestling match is how anxiety shows up. Our Monger starts talking, and our BFF shows up like a protective older brother defending us from a bully. But once they start bickering, it can feel like a WWE match. Causing more and more anxiety. 

Most of the time, these conversations show up unconsciously, and by the time we catch them, we are way down the rabbit hole of anxiety. 

Here is an example from my own life. 

All week I have been looking forward to Friday afternoon. I scheduled time some much-needed time to write. 

Here's what happened behind the scenes, aka what played out between the Monger and the BFF." 

I close the door and take a deep breath, "Yes! Four hours to devote to my favorite activity."

My Monger starts in, "You are so selfish. Today is your husband's day off; you SHOULD be spending time with him. This better be AMAZING when you finish. Proving that this time was worth it." 

Followed by my BFF, "Best to ease into this; you don't want to overwhelm yourself right away. Let's start by doing some research on the internet so we can see what others have done and get some ideas."

Scrolling through my phone doing research to see what other experts in my industry are doing, my Monger has LOTs of commentary, "Oh my gosh, you could NEVER do that! Why did you think this was a good idea!?!?" 

My stomach starts churning, my neck feels tight, and the anxiety starts to kick in.

My BFF tries to have my back by criticizing the people I was researching. "Oh, you can do this; you know way more than her! She is an idiot! You can do so much better."

My Monger and BFF go round and round. My Monger is criticizing me, and my BFF is defending me by criticizing everyone else. I am exhausted and overwhelmed, and my anxiety is through the roof. I am overanalyzing EVERYTHING. My heart is aching, and my stomach is upset, so my BFF convinces me that I need to relax and take a nap. 

2 hours down

I wake up feeling guilty and not refreshed. As I look around the room, I see my closet is overflowing.

"What a mess, that is what you should be doing. This would be a better use of time! Let's clean that up! You will feel better if you get your closed organized." Says, my Monger

I spend the next 90 minutes cleaning the closet and the rest of the bedroom.

Finally, with 30 minutes left, my Monger says, "You have completely wasted this time. Let's at least make a plan, so next time you will maximize your time and not get stuck wasting it with naps and cleaning." 

Notice how my Monger has switched sides--she is now beating me up for NOT doing the activity---even though it was her idea NOT to do the activity in the first place.

I emerge from the room, frustrated at myself. As I walk into the living room, I see my husband gathered with our cats, all lounging on the couch. I smile, and I am happy to see them so peaceful. I want to join, but I am so consumed with anxiety that there is no way I can relax on the couch. Fortunately (or unfortunately), my BFF stepped in, "Well, isn't that just so typical? Here you are in the bedroom WORKING, and he is lounging on the couch while the kitchen is a mess!!"

I went to the kitchen to start the dishes, and my husband comes in to see how everything went. "How did it go? Did you get a lot done?"

I am so embarrassed that I wasted all that time not doing any writing I get angry. 

"Good grief! This kitchen is a mess. I can't do everything around here!" My husband looks at me, stunned and confused.

This scenario illustrates the complexity of anxiety and the role our BFF and Monger play. Every time they chat, it amazes me how things can go so far amuck without me even being aware it is happening. 

The internal dialogue of our Mongers and BFFs can so easily cause havoc in our lives. 

Often my clients will get caught up in figuring out WHO is talking. Is it the BFF or the Monger? The truth is, it doesn't really matter which one is talking because  

The key to quieting this wrestling match is to the Biggest Fan, the voice of self Loyalty whom we will meet Tomorrow. 

See you Tomorrow!