Episode 111: The Voices In Your Head–The BFF
In today’s episode, I am talking about the BFF the voice we most often use to counter our Monger. Our BFF enables us to rebel against the voice of our Monger. When we get tired of our Monger criticizing us, we bring in our BFF for a little self-compassion.
This month we are talking about the 3 characters that chat at us throughout the day and are at the core of The Happier Approach.
Last week we talked about the Monger–the mean voice tells us we’re not good enough. Today, we are going to talk about the voice we most often use to counter our Monger: the BFF
Our BFF enables us to rebel against the voice of our Monger. When we get tired of our Monger criticizing us, we bring in our BFF for a little self-compassion.
Our BFF is the one who always has our back. She is the type of BFF who is always willing to risk getting into trouble and is always there to defend us.
But she is not about holding our feet to the fire or keeping us accountable.
She is very good at finding justification and someone else to blame. She is all about helping us feel special. She is kind and wants us to feel good about ourselves. In her mind, responsibility, accountability, and restraint do not apply.
Listening to our BFF can be risky. Our BFF loves false self-compassion and uses it as a way to give us an excuse to just do whatever we want.
Our BFF can make us feel awesome, but she can lead to trouble.
Listen to the full episode to find out:
Where our BFF shows up in our lives
What Self-Compassion means to our BFF
How the BFF isn’t really helping the situation or looking out for our best interests by stirring up drama with our Monger
How to find the middle ground between “soldiering on” through the cruelty of our Monger and the false self-compassion of our BFF
+ Read the Transcript
With tears in her eyes, Sarah walks out of the conference room and makes it to the bathroom just before the waterworks begin. My boss just screamed at me in that meeting. I knew we were late on deadlines, but I didn’t think we were THAT late. How did I miss it? I spent all week organizing customer feedback. I didn’t realize he wanted us to be writing the copy already!
Then she hears her old friend the Monger, “You are going to get fired for this mistake. Did you see how angry your boss was? You totally missed the boat on this one. How could you be so irresponsible? Funny that you stayed late to work on the customer feedback, and that wasn’t what was important. Yet again, you have your priorities mixed up.
It doesn’t take long before her BFF has her back. “Come on, girlfriend, your boss is such an A-Hole. I mean to publicly call you out like that is just rude. You had like five projects last week; how were you supposed to know that the copy was most important. They say communication is the key—where was the communication?!”
Her Monger is quick with a rebuttal, “You are the employee. It is your job to know when stuff is due. You should have asked, but you are such a wimp you were too afraid to ask.”
“Ha! Too afraid to ask. That is rich,” says her BFF, “you deserve to have some respect. You work your butt off around here, and for what? No one even tells you what is due when. It is so disrespectful. You are practicing compassion here, so you need to be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. He should have been clearer. He saw that you were working on the spreadsheet. Why didn’t he say something?”
“Come on. The bottom line, you messed up. You are going to lose your job. It’s as simple as that,” declares her Monger.
And around and around they go.
“You’re listening to The Happier Approach—the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. I’m your host, Nancy Jane Smith.”
This Month we are talking about the three characters that chat at us throughout the day and are at the core of The Happier Approach. Last week we talked about the Monger, and today, we are going to talk about it with the voice we most often use to counter our Monger: the BFF.
Your BFF enables us to rebel against the mean voice of our Monger. When we get tired of our Monger criticizing us, you bring in your BFF for a little self-compassion, but it often ends up going overboard into false self-compassion (aka doing whatever you want). Your BFF loves false self-compassion.
Your BFF is the one who always has your back, is always willing to risk getting into trouble, is always there to defend you—that BFF. She is not about holding your feet to the fire or keeping you accountable but is always able to find a justification and someone to blame. She is all about helping you feel special. She is kind and wants you to feel good about yourself. In her mind, responsibility, accountability, and restraint do not apply. Listening to her can feel awesome, and she can be trouble.
To Your BFF, self-compassion means:
You are always right.
They are always wrong.
You deserve whatever your heart desires.
Fun is #1.
She will protect you to the death.
Your BFF enables you to rebel against the mean voice of your Monger. When you get tired of your Monger criticizing you, you bring in your BFF for a little self-compassion, but it often ends up going overboard into false self-compassion (aka doing whatever you want). Your BFF loves false self-compassion.
Last episode, I talked about my quest to quiet the Monger. This quest started because I watched my Dad, a man in his 70s ravaged by Parkinson’s with Dementia who looked back on his well-accomplished life and still didn’t feel good enough. His Monger convinced him that no matter what he did, he was a failure.
As I started on this quest, I read as much as I could about how to quiet the inner critic (aka Monger). The advice was to love yourself no matter what (aka practice self-compassion), so I became obsessed with the subject of self-compassion. I chatted with clients and friends. I practiced self-compassion exercises like repeating positive mantras and telling myself how awesome I was.
To be honest, the idea of loving myself no matter what was radical and foreign. It sounded great, but it wasn’t something I could do 100 percent of the time. Hell, I couldn’t even do it 20 percent of the time.
The problem was twofold: One, my Monger voice was painful and stressing me out. Two, when I practiced what I thought was self-compassion, it would lead to a short respite, but in the end, it made my Monger more fired up. I realized that just finding self-compassion was not enough.
I was living in this constant back and forth between the extremes of my Monger and the false “do whatever you want” version of self-compassion. Ultimately, my Monger always won. She always convinced me that I wouldn’t accomplish anything without her constant correction.
I started exploring self-acceptance, self-compassion, and the idea that you are supposed to talk to yourself like you are your own best friend. I spent a long time getting to know my inner best friend (I call her my BFF). She was kind and nice, but I quickly discovered she was more of an enabler.
She was the opposite of my Monger, encouraging freedom and kindness to counteract my Monger’s shame and belittling. Unfortunately, I also quickly noticed that all my BFF did was fight with my Monger. Yes, she had my back. Yes, she wanted me to be happy. But she wasn’t really helping the situation or looking out for my best interests. She was just stirring up drama with my Monger.
I noticed the same issues with my clients. The more we explored self-compassion, the more confused they became. We uncovered the practice of false self-compassion, where we equated loving ourselves with a free pass to do whatever we wanted. Their BFF would encourage cake and chardonnay, only to be met with the Monger suggesting they were fat alcoholics who didn’t deserve such treats.
Let’s see how Sarah’s BFF is chiming in after the meeting went south. As Sarah drives home from her terrible day, she calls her best friend and shares all the drama of the day. She throws her co-workers under the bus, blames her boss, and deflects all responsibility of the day. Her best friend is supportive and immediately starts chiming in how much people suck and how hard it is to be a good employee with the lack of support we receive. Sarah stops at the grocery store to pick up a pint of ice cream and a bottle of wine and throws in a bag of chocolates for good measure. She deserves it! It has been a crappy day! At home, she tells the whole story again to her spouse; her BFF has fine-tuned it now to showcase how the world is conspiring to get her, and if it wasn’t for all the incompetent people she works with, this would never have happened.
She pours herself a glass of wine, grabs some chocolates, and starts the nightly duties of dinner, homework, and bedtime. By the time the kids are in bed, Sarah is 3 glasses in and ready to devour the pint of ice cream. Her BFF tells her that she is fine; she deserves to eat as much as she wants. In the spirit of false self-compassion, her BFF is taking Sarah down a dark, miserable road. Yes, her Monger isn’t chatting at her, she isn’t being negative on herself, but she is definitely sabotaging her goals and her relationships.
She has already picked a fight with her spouse, yelled at her kids, and her mood is miserable. She crawls into bed and passes out, angry and feeling alone, justified that no one understands her plight.
Here are some ways your BFF shows up:
Overindulging and Numbing, That 3rd glass of wine, the whole pint of ice cream, shopping with no regard for your budget, or spending the whole weekend hiding out bingeing on Netflix these are just some of the ways your BFF encourages you to blow off steam and decrease the pressure of the Monger.
I DESERVE, your BFF’s love to tell you that ‘you deserve’ things. This language is a sign that you are in the trance of the BFF. Have a bad day? You deserve a glass of wine! Have a good day? You deserve a glass of wine? She can justify anything. The question to ask is, do you want it? Saying you deserve takes the power away from enjoying it. If you WANT the 3rd glass of wine, drink it in good health, enjoy every last drop, not because you deserve it but because that glass of wine will add to the enjoyment of your life.
Judging: Your BFF loves to judge other people in order to protect you. She is the first to point out when someone else has failed, looks bad, or is not doing well. In an effort to have your back, she will quickly point out others’ flaws to make you look better.
Causing Drama: Your BFF also LOVE drama. Drama deflects from reality. She loves to complain, whine and encourage you to share the story over and over again. She can make everyone else the problem and you the poor misunderstood hero.
Whenever I notice myself displaying any of these behaviors, I recognize that it is my BFF talking which usually means my Monger has been chatting as well. Wherever the BFF is, so is the Monger.
This war between the BFF and the Monger plays out because we live in an all-or-nothing world. We try so hard to do it right, and we are wound so tight in the goal of following all the rules perfectly that we go from one extreme (Monger = complete rule-following) to another (BFF = doing whatever you want).
Because she is the opposite of your Monger, your BFF tends to perpetuate the problem. She just gives your Monger more ammunition.
I won’t disagree that listening to your BFF is fun and easy. She always knows how to have a good time, and she is a welcome relief from the voice of your Monger. For years I was stuck here, going back and forth between my BFF and my Monger. I told myself I was channeling self-compassion and being kind to myself, but in reality, I was just making the problem bigger and more confusing. Their constant arguing and battle of wills left me on a hamster wheel of worry and anxiety.
I also see this with my clients. They get stuck in this pattern of “soldiering on” and listening to their Monger and then releasing the pressure with their BFF’s false self-compassion.
Finding that middle ground is hard, but it is where the magic is. Because sometimes you need to take responsibility. Sometimes it isn’t all about fun and deserving. Sometimes it is about getting stuff done. If we want to fully embrace our lives and do hard things, we have to get stuff done even when it is uncomfortable.
Next week I will be talking about how to get in touch with THAT voice, the voice of kindness and wisdom, your Biggest Fan. See you next week!!
If you don’t do it, who will? If you’re not hustling, pushing, and keeping it all together yourself, nothing will get done.
Look, you don’t need me to tell you that. You tell yourself every day. There’s that voice inside your head constantly pushing you to do more, be more, and get closer to perfect.
And there are all the people--your family, friends, and random people on the street--who congratulate you on how productive you are.
Mixed messages, am I right?
I know I’m right because I’ve dealt with high-functioning anxiety too. I know what it’s like to relish the accolades that come your way one minute and shame yourself for being so tired and overwhelmed the next.
And, I’ve been working with women like you living with hidden anxiety every day for over 20 years as a coach and counselor.
I wrote The Happier Approach to give you a framework for dealing with your anxiety and start living happier.
The Happier Approach will help you understand the voices in your head and what to do with them. It’s not another woo-woo self-help book that asks you to think positively and live your best life. It’s a practical guidebook for getting out of survival mode and finding a genuinely happy and productive life.
Know someone who has High Functioning Anxiety and a VERY LOUD Monger. The Happier Approach makes a great gift.
Find The Happier Approach on Amazon, Audible, or Barnes & Noble!