Other People's Perceptions
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Welcome to the last day of the second week of Self Loyalty. Today I want to talk about the power of perceptions, specifically other people's perceptions.
Years ago, I was at a four-day conference to learn a new counseling technique. We were assigned to a group of fellow therapists, and we went through the curriculum together. On day 3 of the training, we learned about the power of owning our identity and accepting ourselves for who we are—you know, having self-loyalty.
As we began the session, we had to complete a worksheet with two questions: 1. I want to be perceived as? And 2. I don't want to be perceived as? We had to write our answers and be prepared to share them with the group. For some unusual reason, I went first—most of the time, I like to settle in and let other participants go first to get a lay of the land and make sure my responses were acceptable. But this time, I went first.
Ok, said the group leader let's go with what you don't want to be perceived as first.
"Arrogant," I replied with lots of shame and anxiety—I don't want to be perceived as arrogant. The group was silent. You could hear a pin drop. I sat there for what felt like hours wanting someone to come in and rescue me with the "oh no, you aren't arrogant, Nancy" or "Wow, no WAY would I see you as arrogant!" but all 10 of my group members were silent.
"Well—what if you are arrogant?" The group leader said, "What does that say about you if you are arrogant?"
I remember feeling stunned—I had NEVER thought about it like that. What if I am arrogant!? Hmm. Well, I guess I am arrogant—I mean, who starts their own business if they aren't a little arrogant? Who writes three books, starts a podcast, and writes a ten-month course if they aren't a little arrogant!
And then I remember feeling free. Right—what if I am arrogant?! Is that the worst thing in the world?!
As we walked out of our conference room and were milling around the break time, food spread; one of my fellow participants came up to me and said, "woe, that was uncomfortable. I so wanted to rescue you!". "No," I replied, "I am so glad you didn't. To be able to hear yep, you are this way, and we love you anyway, was a game changer for me!!"
Until then, whenever I faced something negative about myself, I worked hard to ignore it, belittle it, or push it down. If I had thought, Oh, you are so arrogant." My BFF would jump in to protect me. No, you aren't. You are a sweetheart. No way are you arrogant. You are so kind and loving.
But now, I see it as self-loyalty. Being loyal to all the parts of me—rather than trying to pretend those traits aren't there. I am arrogant at times. I can also be a bossy, anxious, control freak. AND I am kind, loving, funny, genuine, driven, and loyal.
Because our Monger has a memory like a steel trap, sometimes my Monger replays that story, and her version of events goes like this: "You are so arrogant that, of course, they didn't rescue you because they are thinking—yep, you are arrogant, for sure!"
But then my Biggest Fan lovingly says, "We already covered this, Sweet Pea, arrogance is a part of who you are. It isn't ALL of who you are. Who knows why they didn't rescue you, and as you said to the other group participant, it was helpful because it was a real eye-opener—you needed that eye opener.
Self Loyalty is about acknowledging all of who I am rather than separating the good and bad parts—remember, all the good and bad parts are a unique combination that makes up who I am.
Above, I have included a copy of a version of this exercise called Perceptions of Self Loyalty so you can see what I am talking about—bringing all the parts of you out into the open, acknowledging that they all have a role in who you are. None of them are All bad or all good, but when we can see the bad parts, we can bring ourselves to moderate them a little better—by owning my arrogance, I can keep a check on it. By owning my anxiety, I can practice self-loyalty to quiet it.
OK, next week is implementation week! I will be in your ears to provide a way to dive deeper into this material during your week off if you want it. And then, in 2 weeks, we enter that last spiral—spiral 3, and we will be talking about the Beliefs theme—again diving a little deeper into the beliefs that keep us stuck in our HFA.
See you in a few days!