Owning your Voice

"You have to go wedding dress shopping." my friend cried, "it is part of the wedding experience."

I did not have magical, fairy tale ideas about wedding dress shopping. In fact, I was not looking forward to it at all. My nearest and dearest and I got married in my parent's backyard. It was a low-key, beautiful, casual celebration--so the traditional gown was not going to work--but I didn't have a vision for what I wanted. A friend convinced me to go to one of those large wedding gown shops where you get a consultant, you try on 50 dresses, and they oh and ah over each one.

In true High Functioning Anxiety fashion, the only goal I had for that day was that we would walk out of that shop with a dress--I was NOT going through this shopping event again. I needed to check the dress off the list. I viewed this day less as a joyous event to find my perfect wedding dress and more of a check-it-off-the-list-make-them-happy day. I went into the shopping event with zero self-loyalty. I was 100% focused on getting it done, and 0% focused on my vision and what I wanted.

After the 6th or 7th dress, I found one I liked. Liked, not loved. It was a traditional, satiny, beaded, non-descript wedding dress. I stood in the center of the store, surrounded by mirrors while all the ladies were "oohing and aahing." I remember thinking; this will work, this is ok, I look ok.

I had heard, 'oh, you will know when you find the right dress,' but I convinced myself that that was just an urban legend and that I just wasn't a wedding dress girl. So I pushed down the little voice saying, "nope, this isn't it," instead, I told myself to reduce my expectations and suck it up. I put down a deposit, and my friend and I walked out of the store.

Three hours later, as I sat on my couch thinking, "Maybe, that wasn't the dress," I started searching online. I remember feeling guilty like I was doing something wrong, and my friend would be disappointed. (Even though it was my wedding dress for my wedding, clearly, I was still not practicing self-loyalty.) As I scrolled through the dresses, I saw one that took my breath away, a beautiful lace-fitted dress for less than 1/2 of the price of the other one. I ordered it, telling myself I could ship it back if I didn't like it. As soon as I pressed checkout, I felt a sense of relief. I was finally listening to my voice. I was practicing self-loyalty.

Weeks later, I received it in the mail, and I tried on the dress, and it was perfect--every part of me screamed "Yes!!." I showed it to my friend, and she screamed, "Yes!" To this day, I look at the pictures of me in that dress and smile.

Anxiety shows up in various ways, perfectionism, people-pleasing, obsessive thoughts, and pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone. To quiet our anxiety, we have learned to ignore our voice and focus outward; if I make them happy, if I finish the project, if I figure out the right way, then I can relax. We forget that our voice is important and needs to be part of the conversation.

Yesterday we talked about self-loyalty as being able to receive from other people. Today, we learned that practicing self-loyalty is about being able to say no to other people's opinions and listen to our own. This is why I love the idea of self-loyalty- it is truly about honoring our values, thoughts, and feelings. So we can discern when we need to ask for help, who we need to ask for help, and when we aren't listening to our voice.

Here are three ways we can know we are listening to our voice.

Have a Vision: We have to have a vision: We have to know what we want, what we stand for, and what is important to us. Even if it has gotten buried after years of neglect and maybe outright ignoring it, we have to know our vision.

Listen to yourself before listening to others.

 It is easy to get sucked into the opinions of others. When everyone was telling me how great I looked in my dress, it was easy to ignore the voice in my head saying, "but you didn't want a traditional dress"; "I thought you wanted lace,"; "is this going to send the vibe of a casual wedding?" Taking in too much external feedback always drowns out our inner voice. I know from experience that this is a real problem for me. 

Assume you are right: We often shut out our voice immediately because we assume we are wrong. We assume we don't know, can't have it, or are just plain ignorant. Our inner voice is a place of wisdom. The wisdom it shares might not happen in our timeline. (No matter how much I wanted to, I wasn't going to find my dress in that shop that day.) We have to trust it. We have to trust ourselves.

Taking the time to call in my Biggest Fan has been a game-changer.

If I could go back to the morning before I went wedding dress shopping, I would Practice A.S.K.

Acknowledge my feelings: hopeful, excited, nervous, uncomfortable.

Slow down and get into my Body: Do some neck rolls and wiggle my body. 

Kindly Pull Back to See the Big Picture–remember your vision for your wedding–simple, garden wedding–you don't need to do a puffy white dress because Everyone else does a puffy white dress. You tend to get caught up in what everyone else thinks, so make sure you take some regular breaks to check in via The Mirror Exercise, which I talked about in Spiral 2 week two day 5 of feelings as I tried on dresses and had moments of calm in the dressing room to make eye contact with myself and just check in "hey sweet pea, how are you doing today!?"

Building that self-loyal relationship with myself is the key. Reprogramming my brain so I can trust myself; other people don't always know what's best for me, and regardless of what happens, I have my own back.