How Do I Fix It?

Welcome to Week 2 of the feelings theme. 

Walking into the event, I was super anxious. I remember it like it was yesterday, except it was over ten years ago. This was the first time I had presented to an audience this large, and I was stressed. I had gone to bed early and gotten a good night's rest. I woke up early, allowed plenty of time to ease into the day, relax and review my presentation. As I drove to the event, I practiced deep breathing and getting into my body. I did all the things to help my anxiety. 

 When I arrived home, my husband asked me how it went. I said, "It went well, but I still felt anxious the whole time. And I did all the things, and my Monger was still there!" It is so annoying. 

The problem is I only had one measure of success--feeling good all the time. If I could go back to my 39-year-old self, I would say, "The truth is I would be more worried about you if you didn't feel anxious. You were speaking at a big event. It is human to feel anxious. The goal is not to let the anxiety run the show. And when we don't acknowledge the anxiety, that's when it runs the show."

The truth is we will be anxious, overwhelmed, heartbroken, outraged, moody, uneasy, powerless, and depressed. You aren't doing anything wrong if you feel that way. Many of us have been trained that when we feel those 'negative' emotions, we need to hack ourselves out of it and feel happy. And if we can't hack our way into happiness, then we convince ourselves that we aren't strong enough, confident enough, or mindful enough. Because if we were strong, confident, or mindful, we could hack our way out of feeling so sad, angry, afraid, or ashamed.  

We have been brainwashed that successful people can overcome their negative emotions. 

The irony is in an alternate universe; if I had woken up the morning of the big presentation feeling anxious but meditated, took deep belly breaths, did an hour of yoga, and my anxiety magically disappeared, I would wonder what was wrong. I would be freaked out if I headed into the event feeling excited and optimistic. I wouldn't trust it. This is the true irony, we SAY we want to be content, hopeful, and happy all the time, but we don't trust those feelings. 

It reminds me of the Jerry Seinfeld This is Out bit which I will link in the show notes . In this bit, he describes our desire as a culture to go out and how excited we are to go out---and, then when we are out----we can't wait to go home. We are chasing our tails. Pushing, hacking, struggling to be anywhere but where we are. This struggle doesn't mean we are broken. It means we are human. 

Our Monger and BFF will keep us on an endless search for 'right.' According to your Monger, the right thing to do is get up early, and work out. While the BFF believes the right thing to do is sleep in and rest your body. They both have strong opinions about what 'right' is.  

Here's what I want you to ponder — what if we are concentrating on the wrong thing? What if the goal isn't about feeling good all the time? What if the goal is to be present with what we feel, even if it isn't good? 

What if we realized that accepting ourselves and all our messy feelings and learning how to befriend ourselves will take a lifetime of work. That is why Self Loyalty School is ten months long! It isn't about reading one blog and thinking, "Oh right, I need to be accepting all my emotions." And so, we add 'accepting all emotions' to our to-do list as a hack that will heal us.

I encourage you to take it one step further; it isn't about the hacks. It is reminding ourselves over and over and over that building self-loyalty might be the goal, but it is a goal we will never reach. We will be actively working on building self-loyalty for the rest of our lives. And THAT process of working on building self-loyalty is where the beauty happens. It isn't about hacking ourselves or fixing ourselves; it is about accepting ourselves, and we will need to be reminded of that fact repeatedly. You aren't doing anything wrong. You are just being human. And your job on this planet is to be as curious and kind as possible. 

So what if we spent less time hacking ourselves. What if we spent less time thinking we were broken. What if we accept we will feel outraged, worthless, overjoyed, and hopeless, and there is nothing wrong with us if we are full of messy feelings.