My Body is a Machine
Welcome to Day 3 of week 2 of the Body Theme— This week, we are talking about four common messages that keep us out of our bodies and prevent us from slowing down, a key step in quieting anxiety. Today's message is my body is a machine.
For the 3rd night in a row, I was hunched over my computer, working at my home office. What are you thinking for dinner? My husband said cautiously, entering the room. I was madly working on a very important deadline, and my Monger was running the show “Your body is a machine you can do anything! I was drunk on the exhilaration of trying to check things off my to-do list. But just like when I would get drunk on alcohol–inevitabley you pay a price.
The very important deadline I was working on was self-imposed. At the time, about ten years ago, I was creating my first course. I had arbitrarily decided it would be available for sale on a specific date and that date was looming. To be clear, no one was waiting to buy the course—I had no waiting list of potential buyers. So all this stress and over-functioning was 100% self-imposed, 100% Monger driven, and 100% high functioning anxiety.
But when my husband hesitantly came into my office to ask about dinner, I wasn't aware that my Monger was running the show. I replied, "Does pizza sound ok? I am going to eat up here and keep working.
And then my dear husband entered the danger zone. Ok, are you going to relax at some point tonight? You don't HAVE to do all of this tonight? Do you?
What?! Yes! I have to get it done tonight. It is coming out tomorrow! And I want to honor my commitments.
Ok, he said hesitantly, and as he walked out of the room—are you ok with water? Do you need any more?
No, I said over my shoulder as I looked at my untouched glass from the last time he filled it up hours ago.
"You are a machine." My Monger whispered as I slugged a bit of water
The idea of practicing A.S.K.—slowing down—taking a breath—doing a full body movement—there was NO way any of that was happening. I remember being annoyed when I had to go to the bathroom (which didn't happen very often because I wasn't drinking much water.)
I worked until midnight that night, making sure everything was perfect. I can still feel how stressed I was. How bad my neck ached, and my hands and wrists were so sore from typing I could barely move them.After I got everything finished for my very important deadline I was so wired it took me hours to relax enough to fall asleep.
This story is one of my worst experiences of my HFA going off the rails. It is a story on what NOT to do. As I said in yesterday's lesson, honoring my body is not something that has come naturally to me.
For much of my life, I have tried my hardest to treat my body like a machine. I would push it to its max and then be annoyed and resentful when my body would inevitably grow tired and force me to rest.
Earlier this week, my husband and I had gone to a friend's house for dinner. Nothing crazy, just a couple of glasses of wine, some card games, and good conversation. We arrived home around 11 pm, and as I walked upstairs, I thought ok, you are going to be tired tomorrow, but you have A LOT to get done. My Monger stepped in with her familiar refrain, which Now I can loud and clear hear very well, "your body is a machine. You can just push through it."
"Nope, my Biggest Fan replied. Pushing isn't how we do it anymore. Something has to give what is it—either you won't get as much done tomorrow, or you need to sleep in some or take a nap."
TAKE A NAP!?! My Monger replied—what is happening here?! You are making her soft.
No, I thought—I have time in the morning. If I am exhausted, I could take a nap—we will see what happens. My Biggest Fan is right. I won't be able to write much if I am tired. So I need to prioritize rest; however, that happens. Which amazingly silenced my Monger.
The next morning my alarm cat Calvin began our morning by tapping on my face from his perch on my nightstand. When I rolled over groggily, I saw that he had let me sleep in!! And amazingly, my Monger was silent. Playing defense, my Biggest Fan stepped in to say—yay! You feel refreshed and ready to start the day—it wasn't your normal amount of sleep, but hopefully, you won't be exhausted and will still get a lot of writing done. Those words were enough to quiet my Monger—you will still be productive, was all she needed to hear. And that is the truth- the more I rest, drink water, move my body and eat healthy food, the more focused and productive I am. My body is not a machine. It needs care and attention. And the more I care for her. The less my HFA runs the show.