The Contradictions of HFA
Welcome to Day one of Spiral 2!! We are talking about Beliefs again.
Over the years of working with clients, there are 3 things I have observed when it comes to changing our beliefs. First, we can hear a concept such as perfection and we can mentally know that perfectionism is a trap. But the pull to perfectionism is so strong mentally knowing it isn’t enough, we are still drawn to perfectionism because it hasn’t been integrated fully. This is why Self Loyalty School is presented in the spirals—so we can talk about these beliefs on a deeper level so you can start to integrate the change more. Slowly moving it from a mental concept—yes yes perfectionism is bad, but I still secretly believe it is possible—to a fully incorporated concept—my imperfections is what makes me unique and special.
Second, when it comes to changing our beliefs, there are a lot of contradictions
Here are just a few that show up for me:
I crave peace, yet my anxiety tells me that I always need to be in control.
I want to be seen and loved for who I am, yet my anxiety tells me that vulnerability is a weakness.
I am tired of feeling overwhelmed and frantic, yet my anxiety tells me BAD things will happen if I let my guard down.
Internally I am so full of doubt and stress, and every cell in my body is screaming, "can't you SEE how stressed I am!!?!" yet my exterior is full of smiles and responses like, "I would be happy to help!"
I appear to have it all together on the outside, yet on the inside, I struggle with insomnia, headaches, stomach pains, and insistent self-doubt.
These contradictions make treating HFA challenging. In Self Loyalty School... we spend a lot of time on a belief that I consider the ultimate contradiction. I want to fix my brokenness—but I don’t want to admit I am human. On one hand my Monger is constantly beating me up so you would think ANYTHING to help ease that would be welcome. But the part that isn’t easy is moving from seeing myself as broken and looking for a fix to seeing myself as imperfect and lovable anyway. WOW. That is a HUGE transition. The solution I was looking for was to fix my brokenness not to accept it! To accept I am broken and human requires me to put down the mask of perfection. And that transition brings up the BFF, the voice of false self-compassion. This resistance can look like, So annoyance at me, Nancy Jane as I am presenting this stuff to you your BFF might come in and tell you how stupid I am and How I don’t know anything. There were so many teachers of mine that my BFF rejected too quickly because I was afraid of seeing my imperfections in myself. It may look like half heartedly practicing A.S.K or justifying my unhealthy behaviors rather than seeking to understand them. We will continue to talk about this idea in future lessons but for now I just want you to be aware of it. When you notice your BFF being overly judgmental of this work or you creating changes lovingly remind her you are ok, you are safe, this is a choice you are making and it will be ok. We will be revisiting removing this mask throughout spiral 2 and 3.
The third and final observation that I have when it comes to changing beliefs is that beliefs are sneaky. and they show up in a variety of way. Yes, we've identified and addressed these beliefs and behaviors in Spiral One -- but they will absolutely show up in different ways and in different situations - which is one of the reasons we are repeating these topics at this new level.
Let’s do a quick summary of some of what we’ve covered in Spiral One. We have talked about the three layers of HFA: shame, anxiety, and coping skills. Shame causes anxiety and then we developed coping skills for that anxiety. These coping skills are rooted in unhealthy beliefs about ourselves and the strategies to help our anxiety.
We are looking at these coping skills for 2 reasons: One while these coping skills might offer some relief to our anxiety either through distraction or a misguided belief that we can perform ourselves out of our anxiety. But ultimately these coping skills can cause more anxiety.
And two: Because our anxiety is so familiar and because we get such praise for the performance of our anxiety, sometimes it is hard to see it bubbling up. So we are exploring these beliefs as a tool for you to notice when your anxiety is kicking in. The quicker you can notice your anxiety kicking in the quicker you can take action. It is an act of Self-Loyalty to know and own your coping skills and make changes as needed.
Over the next 2 weeks, we will be revisiting the beliefs and making sure we understand them at a whole new level including perfectionism, overthinking, people-pleasing, and hustling.
See you tomorrow!