When Rules Become Rigid
"What would you say to watching a movie tonight?" my husband asked on a random Tuesday evening.
My first thought was no; we can't watch a movie — it is a weeknight, and we have "shows" to watch on the DVR. But I said, "I don't want to watch a movie. Why don't we watch one of our DVR'd shows?"
He kindly said yes, and as we were debating which DVR shows to watch and I dismissed a few of his suggestions, he asked, Ok, I know you usually decide what we watch—do you have a system? How do you decide what we should watch?"
Before I could think about it, I matter-of-factly explained my system:
"I rank the shows into tiers. The first tier is my favorite DVR'd shows or if there is a series we are watching on a subscription service; the second tier is my next favorite DVR shows, the third tier is Netflix or a movie, and the fourth tier is the DVR shows I don't care about."
My husband looked at me, stunned. "Wow, I had no idea."
I laughed and said, "I think I have a system for everything."
And he said, "Well, not everything. I mean, what about going to the library?"
And again, without pausing to think, I said, "Well, of course, it depends on what you need at the library. Are you looking for a fiction book? A non-fiction book? Doing research or just killing time? Depending on your answer, you have a different path."
That night I saw how much rules and systems permeate my life. And the more anxiety I have, the more rigid these systems become.
Here are a few other ways these show up:
My morning routine: doing certain things in a particular order and bonus points if I do them faster than normal.
At the grocery store: the order I walk through the store, the rules I have for placing items on the conveyor belt for checking out.
The order in which I clean the kitchen.
The tasks I must finish before bed.
These systems themselves are fine. They can reduce our anxiety, give us something to focus on, and be entertaining (my four-tier system for choosing a TV show is hilarious). The problem arises when the rules become rigid and unrelenting when we beat ourselves up for "doing it wrong," even though we created the rules in the first place! When we yell at our loved ones for not adhering to our way. Then they become problematic.
Until I said it aloud, I had NO clue I had developed such an intense system for choosing what to watch on TV. It starts with recognizing our rules and trust me. This is HARD. We often don't see them because they are so ingrained and have become part of us.
You might only recognize the rules when they get broken or when you notice yourself tensing up over something benign. Then ask yourself: Do I have a rule here? Am I being overly rigid? How can I add a little space here?
Sometimes after I notice a rule, I challenge myself to break it just to do it differently. For example: shaking up my morning routine and doing it in a different order. Loosening up that rigidity and reminding myself the world won't crumble is helpful.
Special note: Remember to be kind about this practice. Your rules aren't something to shame yourself for; they are something to notice (maybe even laugh at) and loosen up, if necessary.
Who knows, I might even watch a movie this week on a weeknight! Gasp!!