Resistance: What Will People Think?
Almost 20 years ago, I was sitting on the porch of my brand new house with my now-husband (then really close friend), having one of our late-night chats. I remember crying uncontrollably and saying, "I look like I have it all. Why do I feel so anxious?" At the time, I was working full-time in a career services office (yep, I ditched the University Hall Director gig as quickly as possible), making decent money. I had just bought a house in a nice neighborhood, recently bought a new car, and lost those pesky 30lbs that tend to haunt me.
I was doing 'good' from the outside, anyway. But inside, I was exhausted and anxious all the time. I was always looking for the 'next thing.' If I went to the 'cool' event, hung out with the 'fun' people, or had the 'right' job, I would be happy. I may have looked like a 30-year-old who had her 'shit' together, but I was a mess in reality. I was a chameleon trying to fit in with everyone else and be what I thought they wanted me to be. Others' opinions and values drove me more than my own.
I felt like every corner of my house was wired with video cameras and that someday I would be found out that I wasn't a hip, popular extrovert who had everything together. In reality, I was a quiet introvert filled with anxiety and wasn't doing anything right, as defined by the imaginary rules in my head. I had bought the idea that if I did what everyone told me to do and checked off all the 'right' tasks, I would be happy.
The common question that ran through my mind in every single moment of action was : What will people think?It can easily infiltrate all areas of our lives, from the jobs we take (or keep, even if they are toxic) to how we spend our money to where we go on vacation. We mistakenly believe that the outside world's opinion is more important than our opinion of ourselves. So we shut down the possibility of self-loyalty because we feel others' opinions are more valued and important.
But just as our empathy radar can get out of balance, so can our need to compare ourselves to others. Comparing ourselves to others is a way we stay safe—it is a biological survival mechanism to make sure we don't get pushed out of the community. And it is an unhealthy coping mechanism we use to keep our anxiety at bay.
Comparing yourself to others or asking others for their opinion is part of being human, but when the opinions of others become more important than yours, it is time to make some changes.
Because comparisonitis is so pervasive, it is key to notice how often it comes out—are there certain areas where you compare more—at work? Parenting?
Notice when you start heading down the slippery road to the comparison hell rabbit hole. Sometimes we notice the behavior while we are doing it, sometimes within 5 minutes, sometimes within 30, sometimes it is days later we look back and say, "Wow, I totally did {fill-in the blank} on Monday, and I wish I hadn't."
Build awareness of what triggers the behavior and how it feels when you are doing it, and implement some small ways to change it when you notice it. Such as practicing A.S.K., (spell out the acronym)
I will be back next week with more on self-loyalty, and we will continue answering the questions : 1 How do I get it? 2. What does it sound like?
Remember, if you have ANY questions about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or head over to the website, sign in to the student portal and fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on your podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.
See you in 2 days.