Resistance: Loyalty to Others
Welcome back to day 3 of the self-loyalty theme.
Throughout this theme, we are talking about what self-loyalty is in relation to anxiety and our resistance to it. Self-Loyalty isn't something we have been taught to do—in fact, we have been taught to do the opposite—attune to other people and make sure all of their needs are met. We do this by prioritizing our others needs over ourss—remember the mantra from the last day of week 2 in Body—I can suffer better.
It wasn't until my early 40s that I realized how focused I was on others' needs. To the point where I found myself performing in everything I did. To avoid my Monger criticizing me and the inevitable anxiety, I would only concentrate on what others' needs were—being a bit of a chameleon—changing myself to fit whatever that person needed.
I was so loyal to others I completely lost myself.
In my late 20s, while in graduate school for a Masters's in Higher Education, I took a full-time job at a local university. I had two different responsibilities working in the Career Services Office, helping students with their careers, and living in and managing the upper-class apartment complex.
My eventual goal was to work full-time in the Career Services Office, but I took this split-time job to get my foot in the door. Working two very different jobs with two very different bosses required me to be very good at mind-reading and attuning to what others needed. And that was just the staff. The students were a whole different level of mind reading.
The Apartment Job was a mix of apartment manager, rule enforcer, and big sister.
The job was all-consuming. Living where I worked was exhausting. Most of the other managers were fresh out of college and were used to living on campus—because they had never lived off-campus. I was almost ten years from my college years and had moved from a two-story rental townhouse to a small apartment on campus. I wanted to be the cool apartment manager so the students would like me, but the job was to be a rules enforcer—not a friend. My anxiety was high from being constantly on and constantly available. So my Monger encouraged me to push harder. "You aren't working hard enough. The students know you are a push-over, and your bosses don't think you are creative enough." In response, I kept pushing, brainstorming programming for my students, and figuring out ways to discipline without being seen as the bad guy (I see now that is impossible). I was up late spinning my wheels. And my anxiety kept increasing. My ability to attune to others' needs and be empathetic was not a good fit for this job. This job was not a good fit for my high empathy radar.
I was so overwhelmed that it was hard to have a relaxed conversation. My family and friends tried to help by offering ideas or reminding me to slow down, but I was running on the hamster wheel so fast that I couldn't slow down. I was WAY too far down the rabbit hole, and anxiety ran my life.
In response, I pulled back from those I loved. My world became smaller and smaller. Anxiety attacks, insomnia, and stomach problems—I had all the physical symptoms of anxiety, and still, I pushed harder.
Part of what got me so far down this anxiety rabbit hole is I was too empathetic. Like many people with High Functioning Anxiety, I have a very high empathy radar, and I was so empathetic, sensitive, and kind to everyone around me. I had no empathy left to give myself. My loyalty was out of balance.
Looking back, I can see the job was a bad fit, and I was miserable. But it taught me a lot of lessons about having a High Empathy Radar.
It took me a long time to realize that a High Empathy Radar:
Is a superpower.
Not everyone has it. And because it is so amazing to be in the presence of someone who puts your needs above their needs, people will take advantage of it.
If I don't control it--it could drain me.
If I could go back in time and meet the 30-year-old me—I would say, "Sweet Pea. You are doing amazing. This job is hard and new to you. You can do this, but you have to be loyal to yourself first. It is ok to trust your instincts, yell when necessary and have people, not like you."
I also know my 30-year-old self would respond with "WHAT?!?! Loyal to myself!? I need to be managing all these other people before I do myself."
Nope, that is precisely it. All that loyalty to other people caused me to have anxiety attacks, stomach issues, and insomnia.
As I have said before, we know what loyalty is because we give it to people all day long. So turning that loyalty on to yourself is foreign and scary. You Monger WILL come in to beat you up. So start small.
I started by saying no to social obligations that I wasn't excited about.
Choosing to spend the afternoon in the park reading a book rather than planning another activity for my job.
Turning off my phone when I wasn't on call and letting someone else handle the latest drama.
The process of regulating your High Empathy Radar is nuanced.
Notice how often you are:
Only reacting to your Monger or the expectations of others.
Running on auto-pilot.
Pushing beyond your comfort zone
Lashing out at those you love.
When you see these patterns pull back, practice A.S.K. Acknowledge what you are feeling, Slow Down and Get Into Your Body, Pull Back, and See the Big Picture.
And remember, this is a nuanced process. You aren't a bad person. You just have a High Empathy Radar and have learned some survival skills that aren't serving you anymore. Unlearning those survival skills and re-learning self-loyalty. It takes time. Be patient. Be kind.
AND if you have ANY questions about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or head over to the website, sign in to the student portal and fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on the Ask Nancy Jane podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.