What about Venting?

Welcome back to Day 5 of feelings! This is the end of our second week of feelings! So far, we have talked about some of our default responses to feelings: analyzing, fixing it, stuffing it down, smoke screens, and today we are talking about venting.

These are our unhealthy coping mechanisms when it comes to our feelings, and these mechanisms are our default patterns, and they are strong. It isn't about stopping these behaviors forever—it is about noticing them. And it isn't about beating yourself up when you notice you are doing them. It is about noticing them so you can take action. It is an act of Self-Loyalty to know and own your coping skills and make changes as needed.  

"Managing people is so hard," I said with a sigh as I sat down at a gathering at my friend's house.

"Yes, it is," she replied with a knowing nod. "And people don't make it easy to be managed. What happened?"

 For the 3rd time that day, I told the story of the assistant I had just fired and our struggle as manager and employee. My friend was kind; she listened and offered empathy.

Ironically, I had just wrapped up teaching Brené Brown's Daring Way curriculum to a small group of my clients. The Daring Way teaches two antidotes to shame empathy and self-compassion. When I was trained to teach the Daring Way, we learned the importance of empathy-building empathetic relationships and creating more friends. We also learned about self-compassion, but it was more of a side note. There were many lessons on empathy and a handful on how to have self-compassion. In truth, I might have perceived self-compassion as more of a side note because I didn't know how to have self-compassion at the time (it is what I now call self-loyalty), AND teaching people to seek empathy is much easier than teaching self-compassion.

So after I had this experience of firing another assistant, I was full of shame, so I did what my training had taught me and looked for empathy. My friends listened, offered empathy and advice (when I asked), and were very kind. But I left the interactions still feeling doubtful and shame-filled. I felt heard, and I felt a sense of connection that eased my shame and anxiety for a moment, but then I was back spinning in my head again, so I searched for someone else to vent to. And the cycle repeated.

At this same time, some of my Daring Way group participants were reporting that they, too, were not getting the healing they wanted from their shame. They were talking to people, getting empathy, and yet weren't feeling any better.

For years, venting has been something pop psychology has told us is good for us. Talk about your problems, get them out, and don't let them fester. And then came the added information to talk about your problems to people who get it, to people who are supportive and empathetic, not just people who want to solve the problem. I LOVED that advice—ask my husband. I LOVE a good vent. I love beating a problem to death and trying to find a solution. But all the empathy in the world won't make us feel better if we aren't empathetic to ourselves. We need both. 

Back to my employee debacle, I was so ashamed that I was a terrible manager and not a good leader. The more I vented, to my empathetic friends were talking me out of that idea. No, you are a good person, and no, you just have a wrong match in assistants. But all that venting was just keeping me hopped up in my head and preventing me from owning my part. 

The part I didn't want to own, the part that was the truth. I am not good at managing people. It is a skill that I have not honed, and my tendency to be a control freak makes me a tough boss because my assistant never knows how to help. I need to work on it, so yes, this particular assistant might have been the wrong fit, and I needed to improve my leadership skills.

This is the power of self-loyalty. Being able to own that I made a mistake and that I will be ok.

One of the ways I will bring myself back to self-loyalty is to watch Brene Brown's video on empathy from the perspective of being empathetic to myself.

How often do I silver-line myself? Oh, it's no big deal—next time, you will hire a better assistant.

How often do I just give myself sympathy? At least you have a business where you can afford an assistant.

Instead of saying to myself, Whoa, this is uncomfortable. It is hard to see my contribution to this problem. It sucks that being a manager is so hard for me. 

Yes, we need connection with other people, and we need to share our problems with other people, but venting for the sake of venting without taking any ownership can cause more drama and anxiety. Practicing self-loyalty means being a soft place to fall for ourselves, to be loyal and kind just as we are to the people around us.

As a reminder, next week is our implementation week. It is a week off for you to catch up on recordings and implement what we have learned. After the implementation week, we will stay in Spiral 1, but we will have a new theme, Body.

Ok, that's all for today and 

And if you have ANY thoughts, questions, or ah-ha's about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on the Ask Nancy Jane podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.