I Can Suffer More
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Welcome to Day 5 of Body! This is the end of our second week of body! So far, we have talked about some of the ways our anxiety shows up in our body, numbing and overindulging, insomnia, fatigue, pain and
Today we are talking about people-pleasing to the detriment of our bodies.
People-pleasing is putting others' needs above our own. This is a default pattern, and it shows up in how we show (or don't show) loyalty to our bodies.
Well, it is ok. I know I can suffer better than they can. I remember exactly where I was when a client said those words to me. Not because I was aghast at how belittling they were, but because I knew to the depth of my bones how true those words were for me too.
I can suffer better than they can. She said it in the same way the people smile at me when they tell me they have anxiety, with a mark of pride. She knew it was irrational and demeaning, but she had enough self-loyalty to hold both the pride and the shame that came from those words.
I can suffer better than they can. What this is saying is my needs aren't as important. Or my co-workers' ,friends, family, spouse, or needs are more important, and yes, that may be terrible, and yes, I should treat myself better than that, but you know what?! I am good at suffering. I can handle A LOT of pain.
This way of thinking is sneaky because it causes us to keep pushing even if we end up sick because we can suffer better than others, or at least that is what we tell ourselves. So we say yes when our bodies tell us to say no because we can suffer more and keep going.
When I notice this default pattern emerging, I ask myself the following question: "How full is my glass?" I think of my energy as water in a glass. As I go through the day, energy gets added to the glass with activities that energize me (rest, reading a book, walking in nature) and activities that drain me (speaking events, working, being around people). When deciding whether I should attend or not attend an event, I look at my calendar and ask, ok, how full is my glass around this event.
The How Full is Your Glass inventory is helpful on two levels.
On a macro level, it helps you look at the big picture of your life. It gives you a snapshot of where your energy levels are—many times, people are surprised at how depleted they are. And it is right there in black and white—this inventory shows all those obligation tasks or the I suffer better, so it is ok tasks. And I will go through each one and ask myself—why am I doing this task? Is it necessary even if it depletes my energy, or am I engaging in an I suffer better moment?
Then on a micro level, planning a picture of my day-to-day. I will ask myself, What activities can I add to my day that will fill my glass up again? And how can I be more mindful of my glass throughout the day?
OR I can look at a day that I know will be particularly draining and make sure I add something that will fill me back up.
I pick up take-out that night or plan a TV show that I can look forward to watching. Or I know plan to go to bed a little earlier or grab a book that I have been reading.
I have been so surprised how the micro-planning has helped me notice how often I say yes to something only to suffer. Because every time I do that, I have to rebuild that energy, and over time I see, aw, yes, this does come at a price. I MIGHT suffer better than some people, but no one should be suffering here!
Ok, that is the end of our 4th theme body—next week is the implementation week for body. It is a week off for you to catch up on recordings and implement what we have learned
I will be back in your ears in 2 days to give you some tips on implementing this concept in your day-to-day life.
And then, we start our last theme before moving on the spiral 2. Our last theme is Self-Loyalty. This is a chance to dive into self-loyalty on a micro level and get messy with it.
Ok, see you in 2 days!
AND if you have ANY questions about the content—send me an email at questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or head over to the website, sign in to the student portal and fill out the Q&A form. Ask Nancy Jane, and I will answer them in the next Q&A session. Q&A sessions will be recorded and appear on your podcast feed and in the member area on the last Tuesday of every month.