Self Loyalty in Our Self Care
Welcome to day 4 of the theme of body. For the past two days, we have talked about mindfulness hacks. I know that when we are trying to add new things to our daily routine—like more mindfulness, our Monger can get loud about 'doing it right and following the 'rules.' And since this whole school is about building self-loyalty, I want to share how we can do this practice of mindfulness from the lens of self-loyalty.
For people with High Functioning Anxiety, we have built much of our lives on these two factors:
Our Monger has convinced us we know nothing; we are flawed and wrong and continuously need correction.
Because we are so flawed, we must look outside for the answers. It has become habitual to discount our internal experience and look to others for "the right way."
But here is the challenge the only way to reduce our anxiety is to slowly, and I mean slowly, change our focus from the outside world to our inner world.
People with High Functioning Anxiety are often drawn to self-help and personal development because we want to fix ourselves. Unfortunately, by its very nature, self-help keeps us stuck in this loop. Experts and gurus tell us HOW to do self-care, meditate, speak our needs, and follow their advice to the letter. We never internalize the lesson. We never question it, get curious about it, or make it our own, just like the example I gave yesterday of trying to bring more calm into my life and getting lost in doubts and insecurity.
To bust this pattern, I want to offer a few suggestions:
What if we aren't inherently flawed after all? What if the message our Monger has drilled into us is wrong? What if we are naturally kind, loving, and loyal? What if we need to start challenging the Monger message that we are broken and only shame can fix us? What if we need to listen to our Biggest Fan--you are a fascinating, complex genuinely-want-to-do-it-right-but-occasionally-gets-it-wrong human being.
What if all those outside experts are giving you general suggestions that might work? What if your job is to discern whether they work for you? The expert on what works best for you is you.
Even as I type that last phrase, I admit my anxiety goes up a little bit, and I can hear the questions. What does that mean? Am I my own expert? How will I know I have it, right? Am I doing it right? How will I know when I won?
So let's take self-care as an example.
This was me a few years ago; I was super stressed, and my Monger was really loud, so in an effort to fix myself (because that is my default pattern, analyze and fix), I decided to add more self-care into my life.
Of course, I got my inspiration from an article about self-care. The author tells me to drink more water and move my body more throughout the day.
I set the alarm on your phone to go off once an hour, so I can do some quick stretches and take a couple of sips of water. I check the box in my head each time I do it and congratulate myself for following the 'rules' and doing it right. By the end of the day, I am annoyed with the alarm, it is hurting my productivity, and I ignore the last couple of alarms so I can push through and get stuff done.
This self-care routine worked well for a couple of days. So well that I decided to stop setting the alarm on my phone, and after a couple of days, I forgot that I was trying to implement more self-care, and I am back to my old habits. The whole day goes by, and I barely check in with myself.
Then years later, I tried it a different way.
I realized I was super stressed because, by the end of the day, my neck and back were killing me. I decided that maybe getting up from my desk, doing some stretches, and drinking more water would be good.
I know I will have to set the alarm for the first few days because I am not in the habit. When the alarm goes off the first time I check in with myself--is there any pain? Am I thirsty? I do some stretches, take some deep breaths, walk around the house, and drink my water. Before I head back to work, I check in again. I feel more energized, I didn't think I was thirsty, but I feel much calmer after drinking and moving my body.
I repeat this process every time the alarm goes off. And at the end of the day, I do another inventory---is the pain less overall? If not, maybe I need to change something else up; maybe I need to experiment with a different desk setup. Or doing different stretches. Maybe I got bored with just water, so I need to switch it up with seltzer water or flavored water.
In version 1, I assumed I would do it wrong, I am broken, and I needed to fix myself with self-care. The idea of self-care is more performative, checking the box that someone else declared as a priority.
In version 2, I recognize I am a human being, not a machine, and I need to take of myself. By checking in with myself, I can see the effect self-care is having on my day. I can discern if it is working or not. And the process becomes more nourishing and interactive rather than doing something because someone told me it might be beneficial to keep my anxiety at bay. I still have an external reminder of the alarm. But hopefully, over time, as I start internalizing how much better I feel when I take regular breaks, I will notice my body needs/craves a break rather than some external alarm telling me to take a break.
Special Note: For some of us (me raising my hand here), our Mongers can be quite the taskmaster and get very loud and shaming when we take a break. If you can relate, here is a special tip: When you notice yourself needing a break, and your Monger tells you to keep going because you have to be productive. NOTICE how that feels. Notice how your body feels when it craves a break. Even if you don't take a break, building awareness of how your body feels, in general, is a baby step toward building self-loyalty.
I challenge you to try befriending yourself over turning your back on yourself. We are so busy looking outside of ourselves for the answers on how to fix our brokenness; we turn our back on ourselves. Let's befriend ourselves. Let's get curious. "Hey, Sweetpea, how are you doing right now?" and pause to hear the answer.