Season 4 Episode 7: Rule for Rest
In this conversation, I talk with one of my clients, Michelle, whose rules for rest are similar to my own. We talk about how we're learning to loosen up our rules, one step at a time.
One thing you should know about people with High Functioning Anxiety-- we love our rules! Even when they don't help us live happy and healthy lives. In particular, I have A LOT of rules around rest. When I can rest, how I can rest, if I've earned the rest I'm taking. You get the idea. In this episode, I talk with one of my clients, Michelle, whose rules for rest are similar to my own. We talk about how we're learning to loosen up our rules, one step at a time.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
Nancy's personal relationship with her rules for rest.
Nancy's journey to accepting that she is worthy of rest and to loosen up her rest rules.
Insight from one of Nancy's clients, Michelle, who is also learning to loosen up her rules around rest.
Tips for folks with HFA who want to try to loosen up their own rest rules.
+ Read the Transcript
Nancy Jane Smith: Hey guys. It's me, Nancy Jane Smith. Welcome back to The Happier Approach, the show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace and relationships. Today's episode is all about rules and how they're made to be broken. We're going to talk about our rules for rest.
Originally, I'd planned to have a different topic for the show. Then as I was chatting with my client, Michelle, who we will hear from later, we naturally started talking about all the rules we have for rest. If it's nice outside, you can't stay inside and watch tv. If you have a spare minute, you should be cleaning, not resting, no pudding on pajamas before 8:00 PM you get the idea.
People with high functioning anxiety. Well, we love our rules even when they're not so helpful, and I realize that talking with Michelle about our rules out loud might just show how silly they actually are and how to ease into bending them. Part of my mission this season is to get to the things underlying my challenge with rest.
Many things get in the way of rest. Prioritizing it and finding the time are two of my biggest reasons, but I've also found my rules for rest. Are a big reason I don't prioritize it. People with high functioning anxiety, we tend to have a lot of rules. Armon, my name for the inner critic believes following the rules will protect us from being attacked or criticized externally.
I have a lot of rules around resting. Growing up my parents believed getting good rest was the key to everything, but in their minds, rest only came through. Resting meaning doing anything other than working was not something I saw my parents do unless they earned it. Meaning they worked a full day either in the yard doing household chores or in their jobs. So early on I taught myself how to rest and my monger reminded. You know nothing about resting. You should establish some rules. Rules will protect you from being attacked or criticized. Always wanting to ensure I'm a good person. My rules all start with the phrase good people. Number one, good people can't get ready for bed until after 7:00 PM Comfy pants are allowed, but not full on pajamas.
The rule used to be 8:00 PM but then covid happened and all the rules kind of got thrown out the window, so I brought it back with an earlier time. Another thing I rarely saw my parents do was wear their. So wearing my pajamas on the couch can feel like pure decadence sometimes, but can also feel like I'm busting all the rules.
Number two, good people can't rest when there's work to be done, meaning if someone else is working, I can't be resting. Luckily, Doug, my husband, is a big fan of resting, so I can always count on him to support my need for rest. But if I have a long to-do list or haven't earned my. Then I struggle even with his support.
Number three, good people don't let others suffer. After all, I suffer better than most, even if I am exhausted. This one took me a long time to see, but when my caretaking gets out of control and I constantly say, I got this, I can take care of that. That means I'm telling myself I suffer better as if there's some prize for suffering better somewhere.
But it is a tough lesson to realize there is no prize. Everyone doesn't get a trophy. Number four, good people can't rest in the middle of the day unless it's a Saturday, and then only after earning it. This one stems from childhood, watching my parents only rest at the end of the day after working a full.
I have come a long way in breaking this one, but I still struggle to rest when I haven't worked a full day or exhausted myself doing household chores. And number five, good people don't rest on sunny days. Rest is only for cloudy days. This might be why I love winter so much because lots of cloudy days mean a lot of rest.
Sunny days are meant for being outside and doing yard work like number four. I've come a long way in breaking this one, but I still struggle when it's sunny outside and I want to watch a movie in the middle of the day. At this point, after following all my rules, I should be a very good person, . But the funny thing is, if I did follow them all, I would never actually get any rest, and so all I would feel is exhausted.
When I talked with my client, Michelle, it turns out we had a lot of similarities on our rules for Rest checklist that left both of us feeling anything but rested.
So first off, Thank you for joining me.
Michelle: Yes, thank you for having me.
Nancy Jane Smith: This is Michelle. She, like me, has high functioning anxiety and we've been working on how to deal with it for a while now.
Michelle: I have been working with you, Nancy, since 2017, I think at this
Nancy Jane Smith: point. , wow. I should know that. But , I wanted to talk to Michelle because she sticks out to me as someone who's been working on having a better relationship with.
For a long time. Tell me about your relationship with rest. Is that something you struggle with? Is it something you're good at?
Michelle: Oh, it's terrible. It's awful. . I, I love to over function and just wear myself down . I've always struggle with rest because it was something that I never saw in my family. I never saw my parents rest and the only time.
Seemed to be acceptable to rest was on Sunday. We would usually hang out as a family on Sunday and that was okay, but any other time, I always saw my family working. They worked really crazy hours, so I have always really struggled with rest because it was, I never thought I should rest. I never thought that it would benefit me.
Nancy Jane Smith: Because rest was, you know, the badge of honor, the praise came from how much you pushed.
Michelle: Yes. How much I pushed, how much I achieved, and the message was you are achieving because you are working 24/7.
Nancy Jane Smith: The message for Michelle was that rest was something you earned.
Michelle: That's the message that I always got, and it always served me.
It. Served me through my early life. I don't really know when the breakdown started to happen, but I just started to get really, really, really tired. , imagine that . , and just really, like, I would take things out on my husband and, , just got really kind of grumpy and nasty. And then I started to question, well, what's, why am I so unhappy?
Nancy Jane Smith: Once Michelle started to realize that part of her unhappiness came from being so mentally and physically exhausted, she decided to add rest back into her life, and she did. Little by little it felt good, but it was hard.
Michelle: I've been kind of deprogramming that and saying, yeah, I think my body's trying to tell me something.
I think my body, you know, like it's okay to just say, hey, wow. Okay. I'm really exhausted. I'm tired. I'm going to ask for some help so that I can rest,
Nancy Jane Smith: for example, now Michelle actually tries to rest on the weekends instead of over-planning and over-scheduling.
Michelle: Especially when my husband and I first got married, , it was like, we have to be doing something on Saturday. Like in my mind, my mm-hmm mind, we could only do rest on Sunday, so we have to plan something on Saturday. And even though, you know, You had a crazy week. Husband and I had a full week like go, go, go. And just recently, there were like several Fridays in a row where I would just cry. Like I was just so wiped from like keeping it all together Monday through Friday, just stuffing down the emotion, stuffing down. Just everything I was worried about or, and I would just cry and I was so confused. I was like, why am I so exhausted?
I'm fri and why am I crying? ? And I remember us talking about like, you're, you're holding it together the whole week and then on Friday, like you hit the weekend and it's, I can release it.
Nancy Jane Smith: Yeah. Even like today. When we're recording this, it's a Saturday and it's cloudy and cold and I'm like, Ooh. When I woke up I was like, yay, it's cloudy and cool.
So I can do nothing today. Like, you know, so it'll be okay if I'm sitting on the couch watching TV because it's cloudy and cool as and if it, because last weekend it was like sunny and 70 degrees and I was like, crap, I have to be doing something. I can't just be on the couch resting.
Michelle: Yes, I, and I know we've talked about.
My huge family messages was like getting outside and being active outside and you're lazy if you're not getting outside and playing with the kids or all this. , so I 100% when it is nice outside, And I'm exhausted. I'm like, okay, we have to push because we have to get outside. Right? . And so that has slowly changed over time to be like, whew, I'm going to check in with myself.
Is this something we can compromise on? You know, maybe can we have a really restful morning of just, you know, hanging out on the couch watching tv, you know, taking it slow and maybe do afternoon at side time. Nobody's going to judge me for staying in my pajamas all day.
Nancy Jane Smith: Well sometimes feel up to tell myself like there aren't cameras in the house.
No one's monitoring you if you're resting. Like no one knows you're sleeping right now. No one knows. But it is crazy how the number of rules.
Michelle: Yes. And they're so powerful and sneaky and it amazes me how long it takes to to realize the rules and then to slowly. Debunk them and to be like, okay. Mm-hmm. , it's, it's really okay.
It's not a sign of weakness or that you didn't get enough done.
Nancy Jane Smith: As Michelle does the work to dismantle her rules for rest, one thing she's doing is trying to check in with herself and her body to stay present to her own needs,
Michelle: like, yep, this is how it is today. And tomorrow's going to be totally different.
Mm-hmm. , , kind of like that, the finish line that you're, you always talk about like, there is no finish line. There's not going to be, you know, enough. , gosh, what am I trying to say? There's, , like, I don't have to have at least 10 reasons why I can go to bed.
Nancy Jane Smith: I know for me, when I start justifying there's, it's almost like there's no justification. That's good enough.
Michelle: .Yes. That's. Because my Monger is like, well, that's dumb and that's stupid, and No, no, no, no. Gimme another one. No. You know, and it's, it is like, so then I have 50 reasons.
Nancy Jane Smith: That's the goal, is to get to the point where we can just say to ourselves, I'm tired and I'm going to rest. One of my barriers to resting is that my anxiety can increase when I start to rest because the functioning keeps my anxiety from being a parent. Talk to me about that. is that, do you relate to that?
Michelle: or when you first said that, I thought of the, , like my list of chores is always something I go to. I thought of like when, , my kids are at the house. And like I have some peace. Mm-hmm. and quiet and an opportunity to, you know, watch one of my favorite shows or do something for myself.
I will always go to my chore list of like, okay, well you've been wanting to. You know, scrub the stove for a long time and you've been wanting to clean the washing machine in the basement for a while. Just like stuff that does not need to be done that moment. And it's so sneaky because five years ago I would just clean the stove anyway, just to like make myself feel better.
So it's been a really big leap for me to sit in that and. Slow down and I usually take a few breaths. Really try to be where I am. Look out the window. Breathe . Yeah, and just tell myself it's okay, Michelle. You can watch an hour of your show , and you can feel good like you can take care of yourself.
Nancy Jane Smith: It also helps Michelle to remember that in reality, no one is judging her for rest.
Except herself,
Michelle: I do have to continue to bring back, like Michelle, it is okay that you're doing this for yourself. You know your husband's not going to be mad that you have been sitting and watching tv. I, I think my husband will celebrate with me if I say, Hey, I, I binged my show today. I did nothing productive for the household.
But I'm so happy, I feel rested. I know my husband would celebrate me in that. But my monger spews the story of like, oh, he's going to think you're a : piece of crap. He's going to think you're lazy.
So I do have to repeatedly be like, okay, we can do this. We can take care of ourselves. And there are some days that I acknowledge like, I can do this for an hour and then I have to go clean that stove, right? I just can't do it.
Nancy Jane Smith: One of the other rules that I'm trying to loosen up is the rule that I suffer better. It means doing whatever it takes to help others, but at the cost of our own wellbeing, Michelle was only too familiar with the concept,
Michelle: So I had our newborn at home. And our daughter was in daycare, and I had a glorious day where it was a really slow day. Everything kind of was checked off the list. The stove didn't need to be cleaned, but there was no clothes to be folded. It was just a glorious day. And I decided to watch a reality TV show that I had just gotten into.
That was just totally ridiculous. But I was hooked, but I was like, oh no, I had these rules. Lazy people just, you know, sit and. Watch TV for several hours.
Nancy Jane Smith:. But Michelle channeled her biggest fan.
Michelle: I was like, Michelle, it's okay for you to rest. It's okay to engage in something you like for a little bit.
That's wonderful. And my newborn was sleeping in my arms. It was just a wonderful moment. So I watched my show, my new words, word sleeping, and my husband is supposed to pick up our daughter from daycare. He calls me and he's like, Hey, I'm running late. I'm going to make it to, to pick our daughter up from daycare, but I just want to let you know I'm running late to kind of give you a timeline. And I was like, oh, okay. Okay.
Nancy Jane Smith: Michelle immediately goes into problem solving mode. She starts thinking in her head, how can she save this situation by dropping everything she's doing on this glorious day to swoop in and fix the problem. But instead, Michelle took a beat.
Michelle: I took a breath and I said, okay, you are going to make it there. He's like, yep, just, it'll just be kind of like right at the end of the day there. And I was like, okay, but you're sure you'll make it there. He's like, I said, okay. And then we hung up. And so it took everything in me to let him do that and not save the day
Nancy Jane Smith:. So Michelle continued what she was doing. She kept watching her show. She kept making dinner, but she felt anxious. Then she got a call from her husband
Michelle:, He hopped in the car with our daughter and, and called me and was like, oh, we're on our name. And he was like, oh my gosh, Michelle. Was like the last parent there. I felt so bad. I'm just so sorry I was so late. Like, I'm really going to try not to be late again.
Nancy Jane Smith: A couple of years ago, if this had happened, Michelle would've been angry with her husband for messing up, frustrated that she had to swoop in and rescue the situation like always. But because she listened to her biggest fan and relaxed her eye, suffer better rule, she and her husband were actually able to have a productive conversation about it.
Michelle: When I regrouped with him that night and said like, Hey, like I watched this tv. I had a great day. I feel so rested. And he was like, no, I'm so glad you got a great day. Like that's really cool. What show? Are we going to watch it tonight? Like , like it was not on the table at all that I was lazy or that like, yeah, you should have picked her up like, it's your fault that I was late or something like that. Or it's your fault that she was the last kid that got picked up.
So it was a really cool realization that like, oh wow, I don't have to see the day all the time. Like my, my husband, the people I love can endure. These hard things at times. Mm-hmm. . And they're okay. And I would even argue that we came out better. Like we communicated even better after that.
Nancy Jane Smith: Right. And it's, you know, yeah. Because the growth was for both of you. You had to sit with your own anxiety over not being able to fix the problem. And he had to sit with his own anxiety of creating a problem that then he had to solve. And so someone could look at that story and be like, ah, well, you could have helped him not have to go through his own anxiety, but it wasn't convenient for you to help him. And it, he didn't need help. It was solvable.
Michelle: I was like, yep, I, yeah, you can do this. Mm-hmm , we can do this together. It was really important for me to help him hit that too. As a team, as a family
Nancy Jane Smith:. like Michelle, I've also been working on loosening up my rules for rest. It's better for me and for my relationships. The key I've discovered is recognizing the rule, giving myself some kindness around it, and then loosening it up. Loosening the rules up means taking them on a case by case basis. There are days I put my pajamas on at 5:00 PM and days.
I don't put them on until I get ready. There are sunny Saturdays when I'm watching a movie on the couch in the middle of the day and there are cloudy Saturdays. When I work in the yard, I know I'm successfully loosening up my rules because my monger, who originally inspired many of the rules, starts making fun of my rest rules.
You are so rigid, or these rules are ridiculous. That is when I bring in that voice of self loyalty, my biggest fan, to remind me, sweet P, these rules served a purpose, and now you can loosen them up a little without belittling yourself.
That's it for this week. Our next episode is the last of this season about rest. Remember at the beginning when I spoke to my friend Stephanie about the different types of rest? Well, guess what? Next time we're talking with the person who wrote the book, We'll talk with Dr. Sandra Dalton Smith to close out the season.
That's next time on The Happier Approach. The Happier Approach is produced by Nikki Stein and me, Nancy Jane Smith. Music provided by Pod five and Epidemic Sound for more episodes to get in touch for. To learn more about quieting high functioning anxiety, you can visit nancy jane smith.com and if you like the show, leave us a review.
It actually helps us out. Thank you to my client, Michelle, for taking the time to share her stories and experiences with us today, the happier approach. We'll be back with another episode in two weeks. Take care Until then.