Episode 165: Practicing Self-Loyalty in the New Year - Part 2
In this episode, I’m continuing my conversation with my producer Sean McMullin, going deeper into change, resolutions, and plans for the new year.
The beginning of any new year often hyperactivates our “Shoulds.”
I should lose weight.
I should start meditating more.
I should be kinder to myself.
I should put myself out there more.
I should, I should, I should.
I am no stranger to the Shoulds that my Monger promotes every new year. Like clockwork, those shoulds and New Year, New Me attitudes drift away. My Monger always has a heyday with this—convincing me that I was failing.
But the concept of self-loyalty—the notion that true change comes only when we’re loyal to ourselves first—is what changed the game for me… for the better.
In part one of this series on self-loyalty, I talked with my friend and podcast producer, Sean McMullin. We defined self-loyalty and how to bring self-loyalty to the center of your life as you make plans for change in the new year. If you haven’t listened to part one yet, I recommend that you do it before jumping into this one.
Today, I’m continuing my conversation with Sean, going deeper into change, resolutions, and plans for the new year.
Listen to the full episode to find out:
How 2020 and COVID changed our approach to resolutions
How our image of ourselves, our identities, and our stories can keep us from seeing possibilities
Upcoming changes for the Happier Approach Podcast
Resources mentioned:
The Real Point of Meditating by Mike Sturm on Medium
The Science of Mindfulness | Dr. Ron Siegel | Talks at Google
+ Read the Transcript
Sean: I am not the best about self-loyalty. And I think expansiveness as a metaphor of I'm allowing myself this year to not only know what I want but to act on it and allow my person and my needs and my aspirations to expand and fill space
Intro Music
Nancy: Today, I'm continuing my interview with Sean McMullin, my friend, and podcast, producer, talking about change, resolutions, and plans for the new year.
If you missed part one, I encourage you to listen to Episode 164 first. In part one, Sean, and I define self loyalty and how to have self loyalty as you make it plans for change in the new year. Often when we have high functioning anxiety, we're so focused on improving and reaching perfection. We forget that true change can only come when we are loyal to ourselves first.
You're listening to the Happier Approach. The show that pulls back the curtain on the need to succeed, hustle, and achieve at the price of our inner peace in relationships. I'm your host, Nancy Jane Smith. Keep listening to hear how 2020, and COVID changed our approach to resolutions, how our image of ourselves, our identities and stories can keep us from seeing all the possibilities and the upcoming changes for the Happier Approach podcast.
Sean: My big resolution for the entire year. It's a layover from my last years from 2020s theme, which I'll be honest, got completely scrapped because last year kind of got weird.
So I decided to roll it over. The theme was thinking big and I liked that. And then I was kind of like doing some meditation on the subject of thinking big and like, why am I interested in doing this? And then I kind of landed on, I am someone who does not often have aspirations.
And it's so interesting that you and I are talking about these things together because. It's like we're Laurel, Laurel, and Hardy or something like we're like, one of us is the straight man, and I'm not sure which one of it is, which one of us, it is. So aspirations, like allowing myself to think big, allowing myself to have big aspirations was thought.
And then I landed on this word of expansiveness. And so this year's theme is expansiveness. I tend to hide. And not let my needs. I am not the best about self loyalty. Um, I quietly do self loyalty, but then I, I spend a lot of time resentful because I just do what other people want me to do.
And I am such an Enneagram nine. I spend so much time quietly, quietly resenting the world and a seething ball of resentment. As my wife calls me. And I think expansiveness as a metaphor of I'm allowing myself this year to, to not only know what I want, but to act on it and allow my person and my needs and my aspirations to expand and fill space.
This might sound weird for some of you listening. To listen to the white man talk about struggling with holding space. And I am the very aware of the irony of this. And I mean, and I am very aware of, yeah, I want to be very clear on this, that I know that I go to the grocery store and you know, the world is just lays out in front of me and everything I want is given to me and it is, and I own that, right?
Yeah. And I also have some struggles with my relationship with her friends. And like, it can be both of those things at the same time. Um, I'm not saying that like I'm suddenly like a, a men's rights advocate, and I'm was like, my needs are blah, blah. You know, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying when I think about something.
I'm allowing myself to let it expand and see what the potential of me as an individual in this world is. And so that goes into the plan for the year. I want to pursue my art on a much deeper and broader level and, and that means acting on it. And that means embracing it and doing something about it.
And so, yeah. I love cozy, quiet little things. I love to sit on the couch and knit and drink tea. I mean, I'm a little old lady and I can also admit that that place of comfort and coziness can hold me back. So
Nancy: yeah. So last year when that was your word,
Sean: because I, so this is true. I did say big things big last year
Nancy: Yeah, you did. Yeah. Okay.
Sean: Okay. I thought so,
Nancy: But you didn't have the accountability pieces of the theme. You just said, this is the theme. Yeah. Thinking big, but there was no smaller chunks of that. Yes. As there are this year. Yeah. Did you lose the theme last year? I mean, I know we have COVID and so it's hard to say like, given that out, but do you think you'd lost it, like lost the focus of it?
Sean: Yes. I did lose the focus. Yes.
Nancy: Kind of got to push to the side.
Sean: Yeah. I mean, I still continue to go back to it as much as I could. Like, I, I continued to say that's what I was doing, but I didn't really do it. I mean, if anything, my life really. Instead of expanding out it very, really contracted in a lot of ways.
Yeah.
Nancy: That could be expansive too
Sean: well. And that's actually one of the things. Yes. Because having all these options and responsibilities, and we talked about your experience over the holiday of not being able to do the things that we always did and what we learned as a result of it, like who are we when all we.
All we have to do is stay home. Who, who do we become? But I think, I think as we're looking towards aspirations and we're looking towards resolutions in this year, 2020 was I think a real opportunity for a lot of us to kind of like take a much closer look at who we are and what we want. And so I'm very interested to see for how 2021 kind of plays out with what we've learned in the last year.
Nancy: Yeah, I agree. It makes me laugh that one of the things I railed against at the beginning of, of COVID quarantine was there were a number of woo people being like, we need this time to, to come into ourselves and, and they were kind of like looking at the positive of COVID. And I was so annoyed. I was just like, this is not positive people.
Like this is a worldwide pandemic and we're all freaking out and yeah. Ooh, this gives us the time to come in and look at ourselves. And part of me was wrong in the sense of, I don't think it was healthy at that point to be like, here's the positive of what's happening. But I do think that is for many people what happened, that that has been a positive.
That a lot me included, like kind of got clear on what's important here. And, and being able to, to shut everything down was kind of nice in some ways. And I think it'll be interesting to see hopefully if by the end of this year, as we, as we opened back up, where do we go? You know, how, how much of this do we retain and how much do we not, which I think is, is fits with the idea of new year's resolutions.
In the sense of a lot of times, we, we want to make these changes. But we don't recognize how hard they are to make and how hard they are to, to keep. And, and we kind of lose the focus to the external world. It'll be interesting to see at the end of this year, since you have it more laid out. Because I'm excited about that, that you have more accountability, more plans, and then that mixed with holding it loosely.
It'll be interesting to see the difference between this year and last year. And I think there was some power in last year. Holding it as loosely as you did, and kind of last year was kind of the chance to try on Sean is an artist. Sean is someone who takes himself seriously. Sean thinks bigger. And just having that noodle around in your head for a year got you to this year to be able to make it more concrete.
Sean: Yeah. Oh, I, I do. I do. I am a, what do they call that? I'm a. I'm a slow boil. They call that. And I think we all are.
Nancy: Yeah. That's I mean, all change is incremental. I think we forget that it's that, you know, like I, what was, what's his name? Anthony Hopkins. The actor. Yeah. Um, right between Christmas and new year's.
He was on Twitter. He celebrated his 30th year of being sober or something. It was some sober. Thing. And, and I remember it struck me because it was before new year's, you know, like a lot of people have that aha of like, Ooh, overdid on new year's even though it's what do they say? Amateur night? His was between Christmas and new year's, whatever, like the 27th.
And he said, you know, and it was some powerful message. And he said, be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid, which is the, is a quote from Goethe. Is that how you say his name?
Gerta
G O E T H E.
Sean: I think it's like, Gerta
Nancy: huh. Anyway, I don't know, but I have it sitting on people to mighty forces will come to your aid to remind myself to be bold.
I want that to be like, poof, I'm bold. Now I have the quote, I'm holding that as my theme, but it is a period of adjustment. Of what does bold mean? What does it mean to be bold? How does that show up? How do I do that? How do I deal with the ramifications of that? What if mighty forces don't come to my aid?
And so that's what I feel like you did last year. So I think when there's an identity shift, we, we forget about the identity shift. I remember when I stopped drinking, it was the identity of here's someone who's the life of the party who loves to drink, who challenges other people to drink tequila shots.
Like that was me. And then to go suddenly from Nope, I'm not that person is, is an identity shift that we don't a lot for. Someone who works out all the time to someone who's a gym rat. We don't a lot for that change. And I think that's a big part of this is recognizing who we are as a who we are and how we see ourselves that needs to shift too.
Sean: Yeah. You know, I celebrated three years, uh, December 13th, so it's interesting. It's um, I did go to AA for a couple for about the first year and it's not my thing. Like I never really. Needed. I mean, it played a role and I'm not dissing it. It is just not something I needed for my entire life. But with this identity change thing, it was funny.
They're like everyone walks their own walk but I met people who years and years and years of sobriety, and they still seemed like drinkers, like they still behave like it. So much of their identity self seems so wrapped up in the lifestyle and like, you'd go to the AA club and it felt like going to a bar like it was laid out like a bar, there was a physical bar, it smelled like a bar.
And, you know, I get the role that, that plays. But, it was not allowing me to make movement forward in my identity change that I was going to continue to hold on to. Well, then I think back of like, there are a lot of things that identities that don't allow me to make that have not allowed me to make change personally.
And, you know, not necessarily just about drinking, but like. You know, being a young, radical Sean, that's an entirely long story for itself, but that. To embracing that I've, that I'm growing. And there will be times when I look back and I'm like, Whoa, why am I still holding onto that story? That was like 30 years ago.
That's not benefiting me anymore. And, and it's not who I am anymore either. It's just, I'm still holding onto that perception of myself. Sean doesn't do this because Sean is this person well, Maybe Sean isn't that person anymore. And Sean does do that, right?
Nancy: Yeah.
Sean: And to your point of incremental change and identifying, like, what does bold mean and allowing yourself time to identify what that is, and kind of like ease into and learn, define your terms in a way, but also acknowledge that we, our identity can change.
Nancy: [yes, and I think that's the powerful, that's the powerful piece. We just got to allow it. Yeah, you allow to see something different. And I think that's what that's, what's hard is the grooves are well worn of who we are. I am going to jump a groove and go over here and, and see it differently and get a different perception.
It can be scary.
Sean: Yeah. I did want to share a story around this thing of change. So, my stepfather, he is 70-something early seventies known him for a long time. He's been in my life for a long time. He's one of those guys who, who talks about the old dogs can't learn new tricks stuff, which I'm not a fan of that statement.
I think that it's bull puckey, but I tell you what. So this year on my birthday, he called me on my birthday. I've known the man for. 35 years and he called me for the first time ever. Wow. My birthday, just to say, happy birthday and talk to me. Wow. Now this is the same guy who says old dogs can learn new tricks.
I'm like baloney. Okay. So it was interesting though, that watching that change in him, felt really good. I mean, it was necessary. I mean, he still has his things
Nancy: Do you think that was intentional. I mean like, or just like a spontaneous, let me call Sean. Or do you think it was a, I went to be building a better relationship with Sean.
Sean: So I think it was, I want to be building to move better. Really. I think it was conscious on his part. I think that when this like a deep rut, when we're in ruts and change is hard. Yes. Acknowledge all those things, but there are the stories. Right down to I'm too old to make those changes. I'm too set in my ways to make those changes.
That is a narrative you're telling yourself it is not true. You can change up to the day you die.
Nancy: I would say that's. That idea. It's both and it's recognizing this is hard and I'm going to make the change anyway. And I think we tend to be like, Ooh, old dogs, you know, can't learn new things, whatever the phrase dogs can't learn.New tricks. Yeah. There you go. That is, you know, like that's either, that's a story. That's our story. Or the story is, Oh, every new year is I get a chance to do it all again, and I can change things. And that's another story. Yeah. And so being able to recognize, I'm telling myself a story and it's not working here how, and be kind and, and be like, Ooh, that's really kept me safe and secure.
And I'm going to challenge myself to do it differently. And so often I see people picking one or the other, I'm going to stick with the story and I'm never going to change, or I'm not going to honor the fact that, that, that that's a story. I'm not going to honor the fact that I have that as a belief, and that makes this extra hard for me.
I'm just going to keep plowing ahead. And I think that idea back to self loyalty is we need to be loyal to the fact that we have stories. And that they have played a role in our life, but we don't need to be loyal to the story.
Sean: That's really interesting. Yeah. That was another thing that I've been thinking about lately is, you know, thinking about the stories, thinking about, you know, things that I did when I was a teenager or in my twenties or something, and that, that person, like, I, I still contain these, those memories, but I'm not that person anymore that person's long gone
So after all of this, or one of the things that I did want to ask you. We've talked about what my plans are for the new year. What are your plans for the new year? Do one, have you made resolutions? Are you going to make resolutions? What are those resolutions? If not, why not?
And are you going to pursue this idea of themes and what's that theme? That's my question.
Nancy: Wow. Okay. I have not made any resolutions up to this point. I've been holding loosely. Some ideas. What has been happening for me is last week was really crazy with the start of the new year. And then this week has been a little easier as far as work is concerned.
And so I was like, Oh, I'm going to take some time and do some planning. Okay. So this is Wednesday and I haven't done. Any of that, I've sat down a number of times to do it and it just hasn't happened. And so, so that kind of just recognizing that that's been happening for me and I have a big fear around, I think that's why I jumped on your idea of, Oh, last year it kind of was helping you change the identity.
And then this year you're implementing the changed identity that, um, I went through. Part of my resolutions is to do some identity shifting and to see myself in a different way. I have really seen myself as therapist and coach and someone who that's my role. And even I have written. A few books and write regularly on my blog.
I don't see myself as a creative person. I see myself as coach, a therapist who does these other things to support being a coach and therapist. And so I would like to be kind of letting go, not letting go of the coach and therapist identity, not letting go of coaching and therapy, but letting go of that, being my only identity and seeing what it would be like to.
To embrace more of the creativity to embrace more writing and art in some form and, and doing things on, in my business, in my life on a deeper level that isn't, so this is what you should do because you're at this age or you've accomplished this, or you've done this, or this is the next thing on the list, but what do I want to do here?
What is this look like for me? And so that's what I'm experimenting with. I don't quite know what that's gonna look like, but how I've been explaining that I went to school, I was a therapist, you know, I became a therapist and that was kind of like, now I'm a therapist, that's my identity. And what if I had become a journalist or what if I had gone into creative writing?
Or what if I had, you know, I think I would have ended up in this same place. Of psychology being a prominent feature. And, but I would be coming at it from a really different standpoint. And so what if I came at my job from a different standpoint, from a different lens, from a different way of putting it out into the world.
So it's very loose. And so I feel very vulnerable and sharing this. I will be honest because it is so loose, but that that's kind of what I'm experimenting. That's kind of what I want the new year to bring is a more grounded, intentional. Creative side. Did I answer the question or did I dance around it?
Sean: it danced around a little bit, but I'm okay with that
Nancy: because I was trying to answer it. I mean, I was not trying to dance around it.
Sean: No, no, I appreciate that. But I wanted to say that's one of the things that are holding things loosely and acknowledging your humanity is you don't always have to have the answer. Sometimes the, yeah. I'm am I'm work in progress is the right answer.
Nancy: Well, it's just something that is fascinating to me is, is that idea of identity.
A lot of people would be like, why see, who is a writer? I already see you as being creative. I already see you as doing this, but I don't see myself as that. And so that's what I want to work on is me seeing themself as these things. And I think so much of what I do is just because I should be doing it as opposed to.
It's what I want to be doing, even if it's the same end result.
Sean: I'm wondering what you think about this. I see some real potential for sort of a reevaluation of what identity is here and that you are a thing. And you're not another thing. I love the idea. And you've heard me talk, I've talked about this so far in this conversation is the whole idea of the multipotentialite and that.
We are multifaceted and there are ways to embrace multiple interests and make our identity multiple identities. Not really, but you know, make it a little bit more multifaceted instead of I am a thing. And that's what I do. Um, I was thinking about Stacey Abrams, um, the woman Georgia, I learned recently because she enough herself running, doing politics.
She's. Her identity, we hold her as this thing. And she's, bad-ass at what she does. I learned recently that she's also a romance novelist. Yeah. And so she has this additional identity is that she's a creative writer and writes, and I love that, you know, that like that you can be more than one thing and.
That's one of those things I think about approaching the year, kind of broken out. If you sort of lay your year out, it allows for the space or is this like for right now, I'm going to focus on this and I'm going to put this other thing that I want to work on over here. And I know that it's coming and I'm not neglecting it and I don't have to resent what I'm doing now.
Nancy: So yeah,
that's what I love about it. Like, I think it's genius in getting away from the, the idea of, Oh, I need to be doing this, you know, like the jumping from thing to thing. Cause you don't want to forget anything. Yeah, leave anything out. I think this is awesome
Sean: Um, from a very tactical sort of like how you can actually approach this.
It’s been recommended that you have someplace where you can see it all in one place. And I did print out off the Google. I got like their year calendar thing where you see every month and every day, you know, just the spreadsheet so that I can break it out into like I can visually see what months are what, when I'm doing what for the entire year. And of course, like we said, loose is the theme in this conversation.
I'm looking forward to hearing how things go, how this goes for you. Because as you're laying out some plans, I feel like there's some room here to get a little bit more specific and lay things out of when you're going to focus on some of these things.
Nancy: Yeah, I would agree. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's, I'm also a nine and on the Enneagram and I tend to, I don't do the seeding ball of resentment, but I do, I call it going unconscious. I do that a lot of, I don't, which sounds weird, but I kind of like sleepwalk. Through my life. And, and that's what I'm referring to.
When I say I want to be intentional. I want to be intentional. Like I keep, that's kind of been the theme. I keep saying over and over in my head, because I tend to just be like, this is the next thing it's March is what we do in March. It's April is what we do in April. And I, or, you know, Tara says she's doing this in, in the forum.
So I'm going to do that, you know, because she's a business mentor that I value and I don't check in with. Is this what I want to be doing right now? Not even in it, is this what I want to be doing, but let's be present the whole time you're doing it and not just go through the motions and much of my life.
I go through the motions and, um, and I'm tired of that and it scares the crap out. That's really why. Cause then I'm responsible for maybe that's why maybe I am a seething ball of resentment because then I can blame other people. I'm responsible for where I am in my career. I'm responsible for what's happening in my life.
I'm, I'm, there's more gravitas to it. There's more, it's not just I'll get to that someday. I'll do that at some point. It's more like this is it, girl, you're going to be 48 in a month. Let's do this.
Sean: I can really relate to that fear. And cause I would say that one of the reasons that I've chosen to choose expansiveness and thinking big, et cetera, as a theme is because of what you just said, because I too am, you know, I'm like here I am 44.
It's like, and you know, now what? And I'm here because of my actions. I'm here because of me.
Nancy: So, and just yesterday I was 40. Like, that's what it feels like, like, like it, it, the time just, it goes, uh, it feels like just yesterday it was March.
Sean: [Mine's 30. I feel like just yesterday I was 30. That fear sounds like, Oh yeah, that's a big one, but manageable.
Says the person without high functioning anxiety,
Nancy: but I think it is, it is. That's where I feel like I need to be with your idea, you know, because before talking with you, I was like, resolutions, suck 2021 is going to suck. Like here we go. We're just repeat more of the same.
Like I can get that curmudgeonly. What's the point? Aspect of, and then I can be the super ideal of, Oh no change is possible. And we're going to draw this amazing stuff. And I, again, like kind of like the monger and the BFF, I just kind of jump between those two. Thought processes in. And I think what you in this conversation have pointed out to me is this middle ground, which is not that that's going to be easy for me holding this middle ground, but the middle ground of let's be intentional.
Let's do a plan. Let's hold it loosely. Let's see what emerges, but let's keep coming back to this plan, to this idea, to, you know, be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid. Let's explore what that means and how I can hold that loosely and hold my feet to the fire. How I can have self loyalty around that concept and, and, and give some concrete themes.
Sean: that sounds great. You know, it immediately, like the last thing I wanted to say about that with this having concrete plans and thinking about things loosely every single day, we are presented with new variables, new information, and it would even whether or not you're running your business or you're running your life or walking down the streets to having, having made a plan and then not being able to adjust that plan no matter what happens.
That's not good. Right. Right. And so. But if, but in a way it's also exciting. I think that there's, I, I'm excited to see what happens for both of us just coming here, because this is, we will be checking in on this and seeing how this plays out.
Nancy: Yeah, totally. I agree. Totally. Yeah.
Sean: Well, Nancy, do you have anything else you want to talk about
Nancy: Oh, dude, I feel like we've got a counseling session in here which has been great.
Sean: I mean, that's, that's what we do.
Nancy: I wanted to give people a window into our conversations and that's totally what we did here. So thank you, Sean, for showing up and being so vulnerable and honest.
Sean: Oh my, my pleasure, Nancy, anytime.
Nancy: Again, I want to give a big thank you to Sean for coming on and sharing about his 2021 plans. It takes a lot of vulnerability to show up here, and I really appreciate him showing up with such authenticity. Okay. There are some big changes coming to the Happier Approach Podcast for a couple of years now, I've been wanting to change the format of this podcast into more of a narrative style NPRs podcast.
This means moving to a seasoned model and exploring one topic deeply throughout that season. So the Happier Approach Podcast is going on a brief two month hiatus. I'll be back in April with the new season, what we'll be exploring the topic of high functioning, anxiety, and self loyalty on a much deeper level.
I'm nervous and kind of excited about this new direction. And I hope you will tune in. But in the meantime, if you want to stay in touch, visit my website live-happier.com and sign up for my weekly Sunday newsletter.