Episode 086: You are the Answer
It is human nature to look outside of ourselves for the way to feel more peaceful, content or happier. But the truth is only you have the answer. Not the next promotion, guru or approach, you have to figure out what works and make it happen for you.
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Hey everyone. I am excited to be back here today. I have been on vacation. We went out to California and had a fabulous time. I was able to do a couple of book talks out there, and it was wonderful. And now I am back to celebrate the long weekend, which is just a mixed blessing.
This holiday always leaves me feeling a little mixed on the one hand, we're kicking off summer, and it's the traditional barbecue and parties and graduation and all those celebrations. And on the other hand, the holiday was really built around remembering the soldiers who have died for our country.
So as I've gotten older, I've grown more respectful, is the word or solemn, I guess is the word around this holiday? Because the real meaning of this holiday tends to get lost in all of the graduation parties and summer fun. And we tend to forget that really we are here and honoring on Monday those soldiers who have served and sacrificed the greatest sacrifice for all of us.
Anyway, little deep thoughts on Memorial day from Nancy today. I really want to talk about the idea that you are the answer and the reason I'm. I keep coming back to that as I'm doing more presentations on the happier approach, and I'm getting more questions about the idea of the happier part. I keep coming back to the idea that you are the answer.
One of the hesitancies I had about writing a self-help book or personal development book, or however you want to describe it was that people would think it was the answer. And I didn't want to give people here is this three-step process that is going to solve all your problems. I'm going to be the perfect answer for you no matter what.
And it took me a long time to get past that and to come to the realization that no book is going to fix anyone. And this is a book that's near and dear to my heart and is my process for how I have worked with clients and how I work with myself in answering the, getting the Monger to be quieter. I struggled with that when I started writing the happier approach, and it's coming out, and people are asking me questions about the happier approach and getting frustrated that ask isn't working perfectly and getting stuck in the minutia of the concept of A.S.K. and being militant about it and getting it perfect. And that is really where the idea is that you are the answer. We specifically look at A.S.K. it isn't how I teach you to acknowledge your feelings or how I want you to slow down. It's what works for you. It is how the process of acknowledging your feelings works for you.
It is how slowing down works for you. You are the only one that knows what your biggest fan sounds like. You are the only one that knows what your B.F.F. sounds like. I can help you figure that out and give you some ways that the B.F.F. and the biggest fantasy. But ultimately, it comes back to you even with the pull back and see the big picture.
You are the only one that can say what your priorities are, what your values are, what's most important to you only you can determine that. And so that ultimately is the frustration. I think with all of this work is that there is no finish line. There is no, once I get there, I'll be done. And I've talked about that before in the idea of, once I get married or once I get three kids or once I get my kids off to school, or once I get my college degree, or once I get a job.
Whatever we can litany those forever, the idea is that the answer is in, within me is a little harder to wrap your head around because we've been living for all these external things. And then the realization is I've hit all these external things. They've all come to fruition, or I've given up on some of them. I've realized the answer isn't there in achieving those external markers.
And so we turn internal, and we try to find some peace through personal development and self-help books and trying to, quote-unquote, lead better lives from that. Sometimes a lot of times leads this idea that I can find a system, a guru at belief, an idea that will heal all my. And will be the magic button, quick ticket way to get out of this pain.
The idea that I keep drilling into your head is that you are the answer. There is no guru. There is no system. There is no belief that can fix everything. You still have to deal with yourself, and you are the one that has the relationship with yourself. And that's what all of this is about is building that relationship with yourself so that you can go out into the world and build a relationship with other people.
It's not about being self-absorbed and looking at yourself and doing all this Naval gazing. But it is about getting comfortable in your own skin. And when we're constantly looking outward, we're constantly looking for the next promotion or the next thing. And when we stop looking for the next thing, we start looking for the next guru or the next belief.
So we're just doing the same action on a deeper level, but it's still looking external. I'm still looking for someone else, something. Just solve my problems. The freedom comes from you recognizing no one else has the answer to my life. No one knows the nooks and crannies and the little idiosyncrasies of your life except for you.
And so that is what I would hope that ask helps people do is to get closer to who they are. To get closer to what their priorities are, to get closer to what their values are, and then start living your life from that place. We don't need to do a ton of naval gazing and live constantly analyzing why is this happening?
And what does this mean? And what's going on here, and why am I having that? And is it okay that I'm having that? And should I be having that? And what's happening. That's all the navel-gazing that is just ad nauseum, and that's not helping anything. All we need to do is get really clear on what are my priorities, what are my values what's most important here?
And how can I live that out in the quickest way, easiest way, simplest way, kindest way possible? Yeah, it sounds really easy to get really clear on your priorities, and it's much more challenging than that because it requires. To slow down to get quiet, to check in with ourselves, to not get stuck in all that hoopla.
That's the analyzing and the navel-gazing, but rather to just be saying, wow, let's look at this in a simpler way. What am I feeling? How can I get into my body? And what are my priorities here? What's the big picture here? How can I look at this differently? So I wanted to come in and do this podcast because I've had so many people coming at me trying to really pinpoint and break down and get really crystal clear on the happier approach and ask and all the concepts in it, which I love. I absolutely love talking about the happier approach. I could do it all the time, but what I'm realizing is that, oh, wait, this is becoming another thing that people are trying to master that's outside of themselves.
If I can master the happier approach, then I'll be happy now, not necessarily. There is nothing to master quote-unquote. It's an ongoing process of looking at yourself and exploring yourself and seeing, having some love and kindness and grace and curiosity about yourself. So you will never arrive quote-unquote at a place where you're constantly happier.
I had a client, a potential client. Ask me. Would you describe yourself as happy? I don't believe happiness is a state that we achieve. I believe we go in and out of, happiness and as I said to this client, if you had talked to me this morning when I was having an anxiety moment with my husband, he would have been like, Nope, she's not happy, but I could get myself out of that.
And that's the difference. That's the piece I want you to be paying attention to is when. Can I pull myself out of it, and can I keep moving forward? It was funny earlier this week I was having an issue, and I was spinning off on something. I can't even, I can't even remember what it was that tells you how unimportant some of this stuff we're spinning off on is, and I was spitting out, and I thought to myself, years ago, I would have said before I got married, I would have said, oh if I was married, I wouldn't have this problem.
I lumped everything. Every issue I had, I lumped into the idea that I wasn't married. And then when I got married, there really was this moment of, oh, I can't blame it on that anymore. I don't have that thing to blame it on. We get something out of having the next thing that we don't have to be able to blame it on.
So I am not happy because I can't figure out ask or because this guru wouldn't take me or I can't understand what it is they're saying, and they have the secret. So the more we obsess and the more we look outside for the answers, it's to recognize, wait a minute, it's in me. It's in me. It isn't about if I'm married or not married or have kids or don't have kids or have a job or don't have a job.
It's about me. Am I living a life that is designed by my priorities? And am I happy doing that? And if I'm not, what changes do I need to make to better suit my own life? And that's how we start to live happier. I'm not saying it's easy, people. I'm not saying it's easy by any means. It's way harder than it sounds, but it's totally possible.
So this week, I want your mantra to be, I am the answer. I just need to have some curiosity and kindness myself, and I can move forward. And that's all that's necessary.