Episode 027: A Spiritual Principle that Will Change Your Life

When we are afraid of growing because we might make people around us angry or afraid of 'rocking the boat' this spiritual principle will change our lives.

+ Read the Transcript

A spiritual principle a former therapist taught me that has changed my life is that as you grow and change those around you, will either rise to meet you or they will fall off.

It's a terrible principle. As a friend of mine said one time, "it's painful to recognize that." And it is, but it's also super powerful because so many times clients come to see me because they want to make some changes, and they get nervous that as they start making these changes, people are going to get upset.

And most of those people are our spouses or close friends, and they don't want to rock the boat. And or even more explicitly, they want to make changes within their relationship, but their partner doesn't want to come in for therapy. So they're just making the changes within themselves in the hopes that they will spur their partner on and build up their relationship.

And if that's the case, this principle is truly magical. I have seen it happen so many times where once clients start trusting themselves and making changes. Their partner rises to meet them, and it always shocks my clients that they do that. But our partners, if they love us and care for us, will rise to meet us.

And if they don't, the brutal hard truth is we don't want that person around. And that is brutal work. But we don't want someone in our vibes, in our super inner circle that isn't going to support our growth, that isn't going to want us to become better people. And so that is why the principal will change your life because it will open you up to all kinds of new growth.

But it is also very scary to trust in ourselves, our partners, and those around us that the right people will show up. So a benign example of this is, let's say you decide you're going to stop engaging in workplace gossip. And there's one person in particular that just loves to go to lunch and just chat about everyone and dish the dirt, as they say. And you decide, you know what, I'm not doing this today.

This gossip does not serve me. It doesn't serve anybody else. It's just spinning off on drama that I don't need in my life. So you tell this friend, you know what, I'll go to lunch, but I'm not going to engage in any gossip. I'm not going to be doing that. So eventually, you find out that you can't do that with this friend. You go to lunch, and they just keep gossiping. Even though you keep trying to say no, I don't want to talk about this. They keep throwing it out there to you. So you eventually decide, okay, I can't go to lunch with this person because I put that boundary in place. I said I didn't want to talk and get stuck in gossip and drama. And they're not respecting that. So I'm going to have to say I can't go to lunch with them. And so you say that to the friend, you're like, you know what? I can't—the gossiping thing. I thought we could go to lunch and talk about other stuff, but no matter how much I change the subject, we just keep coming back to drama and gossip, and I just can't.

And, let's be honest, that's a hard conversation to have with a coworker or even a close friend. It's hard to say I'm doing something different now. And "your behavior either needs to change, or we're not going to be hanging out in that way anymore" is a tough conversation. And it's going to sting.

And so it's our job. Once we lay that out, here are the new rules to give the other person a chance to respect those new rules, process those new rules, and figure out what happens next with those new rules because they're new to them. So that's a big part of when we make a change; we forget that the other person needs some time to adjust to the change.

They need some time to figure out; huh, what will I do with this new information? That kind of sucks that they're calling me out as a gossip. Now I need to figure out what I'm going to do. And so that's where the spiritual principle comes into play overtime in the next week or two. Your friend may come to you and say, you're right, I've been thinking about it. And this gossip is yucky and gross. And I want to go to lunch and let's talk about something else.

Or the friend may just say, I'm going to find a new friend that I can gossip with and forget you. I'm going to go over there to Betty Sue and chat with her. And either way, you're better off, you're better off because you don't want to have the drama in your life.

You're better off not hanging out with this friend, and you're better off if the friend comes back around, and you can build a relationship based on something else. Once you lay it out there, it's up to whatever that person wants to do and wherever they are on their journey; if they want to pick up the challenge to say, okay, I'm going to do, I'm going to do better.

Like you, and I'm going to stop this drama. Or if they say, right now, I'm not ready for that. And I like gossiping, and that's something that I enjoy doing. And so I'm going to keep doing it. Both are fine, but it's up to you to decide what kind of person you want to be and who it is you want to surround yourself with.

So we get onto a more complicated example when we talk about our specific partners. And so let's say. Your partner has a bit of a road rage issue when it comes to driving. And when they get in the car, they're just super angry, and they drive like a maniac, and it scares you. It scares your kids, and you're just exhausted from the whole process of it.

And so you get to the point where you're like, I'm not doing this anymore. And so you say to your partner, Either you learn how to control your rage, or we're going to drive separately wherever we go, and you can drive in the car, and you can have your rage, but I'm going to be separate. And again, a tough thing to say, I recognize. And also going to be startling for your partner to hear those words coming out of your mouth. But too often, we sit, and we just take the behavior that we are super uncomfortable with because we're afraid to stand up and say something, and it's an easy fix. I'm going to drive myself wherever we go.

I'm going to drive myself, and you need to figure out your rage, and you can rage all you want to in the car, but I'm not going to be there. And my kids aren't going to be there. And so then that gives your partner a chance to say, whoa, I need to do something different here or, okay.

We're always going to drive separately. And as our partners, more so likely than the friend at work, they are going to rise and meet us because they love us. They want us to grow and be better people. We are with them for a reason. We may be stuck in the mire and the crap and the drama. And not being able to see that love, but it's probably there. I have seen it in my clients so often that they come in, and they described these awful, terrible relationships.

And as they start to grow and have the patience to pull their partner along a little by little, their partner comes along, not as fast as they want them to. Maybe not as is in sync as they want them to, but they come, they rise to the occasion, in their way.

Sometimes it isn't fast enough, or it isn't in sync enough. And so the relationship ends. They get a divorce, or they break up. And that happens because we either need to decide, am I willing to wait for this person to rise? Are they showing enough inclination that they want to rise? Or is the truth that we do not want to see is that they don't want us to grow.

And that's a tough realization, but that's where this principle makes everything a little more clear. As I grow, my partner tries to meet me because he wants to see me grow and vice versa. But I have been in crappy relationships in the past. So as I've grown, my partner hasn't grown; they've pushed back.

They belittled me, and they shamed me to the point where they were making me feel bad. And so eventually, that relationship had to end, probably not as quickly as it should have, but it did eventually end because I realized I want more than just having someone belittling me and shaming me for my growth.

So that's the key. I want you to be thinking about this week. When it comes to your change, are you not making changes because you're afraid of, oh my God, they're going to be mad at me, or what will they think? Or what might happen if I make this change? Just remind yourself. The people I want in my life will rise to meet me because they will be happy for my growth, and the people that I don't want will eventually fall off because they won't be able to handle me.

So it's a spiritual principle that will change your life. It has definitely changed mine.

+ Weekly Ritual Challenge

One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.

This week's ritual: Stretch

Take some time in the morning to do a long leisurely stretch. Reach your hands to the sky and then reach down for your toes and hold it. Breathe, stretch and start your day. Feel free to repeat throughout the day.


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Episode 028: Meditation Isn't for Everyone (and that's ok)

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Episode 026: Stop Obsessing. You Always Have a Choice