Episode 025: Unraveling Your Need to Please
Looking at the ugly underbelly of trying to please everyone.
+ Read the Transcript
Today, I want to talk about unraveling the need to please. And this comes up a lot in my private practice, but it's come up lately in the intensive group I lead. It's a four-month group called the deep dive. And this month, in our theme, we are talking about people-pleasing. And so last night, we had our telephone call that wrapped up our month of people-pleasing theme. We were sharing stories on how people-pleasing has played out in their lives and how they're learning, how to unravel the need to please.
And one of the themes that kept popping up was the theme of integrity. And I think that's something that goes missing when we talk about people-pleasing. Because a lot of times when we talk about people-pleasing, we see it from a place of being nice and caring and we're giving to other people.
The ugly side of people-pleasing is a lack of integrity that we hold. So if we are wrapped up in people-pleasing, which is basically saying yes when we mean no, it's putting other needs ahead of our own. And when we get into that habit of putting other people's needs ahead of our own, we lose some integrity because we aren't honest with ourselves.
Other people's needs cannot always be ahead of our own. And so, when we live in that mentality, we lose some integrity and respect for ourselves. And that is the ugly underbelly of people-pleasing. And what we found this month, as we were looking at people-pleasing in this deep dive, is there's a lot of ugly underbelly to people-pleasing.
So there's a lot of stuff you need to look at to start unraveling it. And one of those things is the lack of integrity. And what I mean by that is basically when I said people-pleasing is saying yes, when you want to be saying no, like that right there in and of itself is a lack of integrity because you want to be saying no to something, but for the sake of the other person, you say yes.
And so what happens is we develop ways of communicating that are lacking in integrity. And so today, I want to talk about some of the ways to start unraveling this need to please and this lack of integrity. So really benign, simple way that many of us engage in people-pleasing is getting invited to a party at someone's house, and by a party, I mean a Tupperware party or a pampered chef party, or one of those parties, we have to buy stuff.
And so, I'm going to use this example throughout the rest of this podcast. It's a common one where a lot of examples of what happens show up, and this is one that we're all comfortable saying yes when we mean no to one of these parties. It's a simple example, but it's also the ultimate test in people-pleasing and standing in your integrity and learning that I don't have to say yes when I mean no.
So you get invited to one of these parties. Yeah. A couple of things happen, A. you freak out because you're probably don't want to go. And then B, you either lie and makeup, an excuse for why you can't go, which is out of integrity because you're lying, or you go and then sit off to the side with a friend and make passive-aggressive, bitter comments the whole time, or you joke around the whole time, or you're disrespectful to the person that's throwing the party, or you're resentful about the fact that you're there. Or you keep score. And so you're like I came to her pampered chef party, so she needs to come to mind, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so we engage in these yucky gross activities because we are too trade to stand in our integrity.
And we're too afraid to stand up for ourselves and say, you know what, send me the catalog, but I don't have time to go to the party. Or send me the catalog. I don't really want to go to the party or send me the catalog because I'm not going to come. It doesn't have to be; you don't even have to give a reason for why you're not coming.
You just have to say, I don't want to come to the party. I'm not going to come. My RSVP is no. And I think when we can learn how to stand in our integrity, we let go of those other yucky things that happen.
And they happen all the time in, for example, we get a text message from a friend that we don't want to see. So we avoid the text message for a while, and then they text us again, and we're like, oh my gosh, I thought I texted you. I'm so sorry. Liar. We didn't forget to test them. We just didn't text them because we didn't want to deal with it. And so those little ways of yucky, lack of integrity, that show up are signs to you that you are engaging in people-pleasing and it is taking over your life.
And so one of the benefits that the women that have engaged in this program with me have found in practicing less people-pleasing is how much they are living in integrity now. And by practicing less people-pleasing, they feel so much better because they don't have to remember who, what excuse they gave to who, and who they told what to.
And they're not engaged in that petty drama that we all hate of tit for tat and keeping score. You know that Real Housewives drama that happens because we're not standing up and speaking in our integrity. So really keeping track of that, I think, is extremely helpful in this unraveling, the need to please.
Many of my clients come to see me because they have resentment and anger built up. And so they will go along kind and nice to the outside world. And then they come home the resentment has just gotten to the nth degree, and they just are ready to explode.
This resentment usually comes because they are stuck in super giving mode, and super giving mode means I'll give, give, give, give, and give. And I never show you where I have any boundaries. I think I've talked about this in previous podcasts. I never show you where my boundaries are because I'm so wrapped up in people-pleasing.
And then I just hit the roof, and I go crazy with being so upset about the fact that you kept taking and taking and taking and taking from me. When they're taking and taking because we are over-giving and we aren't honoring the commitments we make to ourselves. We aren't honoring our priorities and our values because we're so wrapped up in giving to other people.
So I want you to just pay attention to how often you engage in one of these yucky activities. I even hate mentioning them and talking about them with my clients. Because owning that, we lie, keep score, are passive-aggressive, manipulate, and engage in drama and gossip because we don't want other people to think negatively of us.
And honestly, if a friend of yours who was a true friend said, you know what? I don't have it in me to a pampered chef party this week. I just can't. You wouldn't be angry with her or upset with her. You would just be like. I got it. I understand. You don't want to come to my pampered chef party. That's okay. Maybe we'll go for wine next week. So just remembering that we put so much pressure on ourselves that we need to please other people and make them happy when sometimes being honest and being in integrity is truly the way to make other people happy.
Because if I'm in integrity and I'm practicing that with the world, showing up and engaging in the stuff I want to engage in, and being honest with those around me in a loving, kind way, then they too can do that with the rest of the world.
And that eliminates the drama, anger, resentment, passive-aggressiveness, and all of that other stuff that happens; when we aren't living in who we are and our integrity, we get stuck in that. That need to please creates all of these ugly yucky dynamics.
+ Weekly Ritual Challenge
One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.
This week's ritual: Stand on One Foot
Another brushing your feet exercise :) A little easier than the brushing with the opposite hand. While brushing your teeth stand on one foot. Another practice to get you out of your normal routine.