Episode 013: Self Help Run Amuck
When the quest to be happier leaves us feeling stuck, exhausted, and unworthy.
+ Read the Transcript
Today I want to talk about self-help. It's an amazingly wonderful industry. The idea that we can learn, grow, and feel better about our lives and become happier through reading a book or listening to a lecture, or even listening to a podcast is wonderful.
However, I know for myself and people who enjoy exploring the self-help world; sometimes, we are stuck in unhealthy patterns and beliefs, just for being a better human being. Every now, and then I'll run into a person and acquaintance a client, even myself, from time to time, and I'll think, yup.
There goes a case of self-help run amok. For me, the phrase self-help run amok is defined as someone who means, well, they have good intentions, but they've grabbed onto one or two self-help concepts and twisted them to mean they aren't good enough. So they twisted these concepts to mean that there's a right way and a wrong way.
And if only they could figure out the right way, all would be well, here's the thing. There is no right way. There are countless ways to do it. What may be the right way for you isn't the right way for someone else. Frequently, if we are looking for the right way, it is a sign of fear paralysis. We don't want to move until we know the right moves, which usually leaves us stuck.
So here are some of my favorite self-help run amuck phrases.
If I think happy, I will be happy.
The concept is being intentional, run amuck. We have been told that we need to pay attention to our thoughts. If we intend it, then it will come. So think positively, and you will feel better.
I agree. There are times we let ourselves become stuck in negative thoughts and negative patterns, and we do need to change those thoughts into more positive thinking. And there are times that we have real pain that we need to deal with. Yes, while I believe when we think happier, we are happier. I also believe we have to put a little work into being happy. The idea that if I think about a hundred dollars, it will suddenly appear in my mailbox is improbable. So too is the thought that if I just think happy. I'll be happy. The concept of happiness isn't a constant thing. It's not like once I figure out happiness, I'll always be happy.
So there isn't anything we can do to be happy consistently. Living happier means that I deal with everything. I deal with the pain. I deal with the joy, and I don't get stuck in one place or the other. So if I'm feeling scared, I allow myself to feel scared. If I'm feeling joy, I allow myself to feel joy. The concept of I can only entertain positive thoughts, or I can only think happy thoughts keep us stuck in false bravado, thinking it does not make us happier.
It makes us miserable because we're missing a whole different section of our life, which is the pain and suffering of being human. And that's okay. Because from that pain comes happiness. It's when we experience all of it, the joy and the pain, that we really can experience living happier. So the concept of, if I think happy, I will be happy is self-help run amuck.
It keeps us stuck in pain and misery that we're not enough because even though we're trying so hard, we're still not happy. So rather than telling yourself, I just need to think positive. Tell yourself I need to give myself a little compassion for whatever it is I'm feeling right now. You need to check-in and say, what am I feeling?
Am I happy? Am I sad? And then be like, yeah, that's what I'm feeling. And that's okay. When we stop forcing ourselves to feel a certain way, that's when we experience living happier. And next on the list.
I need to accept people right where they are.
Yes. I fully believe that we need to accept people where they are. One of my favorite life mottoes is they're doing the best they can with what they have. And that doesn't mean I need to put up with abusive, negative, or hurtful behavior. Accepting someone for who they are and what they're coping with, and the pain they're in doesn't mean I have to take that pain on or be hurt by their pain. Accepting someone for where they are also include:
*Knowing their boundaries.
*Knowing that I need to set boundaries.
*Knowing I need to say no.
I don't need to put up with someone else's journey hurting me. I do need to love people wherever they are, but they don't need to hurt me in the process.
I need to be genuine and honest with everyone. I want to add the words with wisdom to the sentence. So it would say I need to be genuine and honest with everyone using wisdom.
Yes. I believe we need to be grounded and authentic in our lives, but not everyone in this world is safe. Therefore, we need to have a little wisdom with which we share our authentic selves. We can still be genuine and authentic without bearing our souls. We can still own our space.
Bottom line. The goal of self-help is to feel less anxious, be in pain less frequently, and learn how to interact in the world from a place of grounded authenticity. The goal is to live happier. The goal is not to beat ourselves up, open ourselves up to unnecessary pain and feel like we're doing it wrong.
Wake up each morning and be the best you possible. Bring awareness to your pain. Notice your mistakes and move forward. Making amends is necessary. Self-help is a wonderful space to start learning about ourselves. But real growth begins when we can enter the world and interact with loving-kindness with ourselves and those around us.
Knowing when we struggle with that task, we can have curiosity around why and attempt to learn better for the future. So freaking give yourself a break. You're doing the best you can with what you have. And that is a wonderful thing.
+ Weekly Ritual Challenge
One thing that has really helped me reduce anxiety is adding regular ritual practices to my daily life, so each week, I am going to be sharing a ritual with you and challenge you to complete it.
This week's ritual: Make Space to ask Yourself, What Do I Need Next? This is a great practice to cut down on the draw of the constant, to-do list mentality. The go, go, go. So when we can pause and ask ourselves, what do I need next?
So set a random alarm on your phone, or write a sticky note that sits on your computer. But throughout the day, make space to ask yourself what is it that I need next?