A.S.K.
Welcome back. So we have met the 3 characters, the Monger, the voice of the inner critic; the BFF, the voice of self-indulgence and the biggest Fan, the voice of kindness and wisdom. Today we answer the question, how do I access my Biggest Fan? The short answer is practice A.S.K.
A.S.K. Stands for:
A. Acknowledge what you're feeling.
S. Slow Down and Get into Your Body.
K. Kindly Pull Back to See the Big Picture.
And it is what I do when I hear my Monger or BFF talking, and I want to hear from my Biggest Fan--we will cover this technique MUCH more in the weeks to come. For now, I'm going to give you an overview. Let's start with what each letter of this acronym stands for.
First up, Acknowledge your feelings: When I start hearing my Monger, I will challenge myself to acknowledge my feelings. I have been doing this work for years, and I still struggle with naming my feelings. So I have to pull out my feelings sheet, which is simply a list of feelings. Having a list allows me to go through and pick 8-10 feelings that resonate. You can download a copy above. When we have been raised with "suck it up, buttercup" and "soldier on," acknowledging what we're feeling piece is challenging. AND powerful, labeling what we're feeling and owning it is a game-changer.
As with all of this work, there is a nuance to it. Our Monger can quickly come in and shame us for our feelings.
I remember the day after Kobe Bryant died, I found myself spinning with anxiety. I couldn't settle myself down and was jumping from thing to thing. I kept saying to myself, "Ok, you need to practice A.S.K.," so I would acknowledge my feelings ("I am feeling sad and overwhelmed"), and then I would move on to slowing down and getting into my body and then kindly pulling back to see the big picture. And it wasn't working. I wasn't getting any relief. No matter how many times I tried it.
I said to my husband, "I don't know if this A.S.K. thing works anymore! I have gone through it 50 times today and still feel full of anxiety."
I shared with my husband that I was feeling sad about the death of Kobe Bryant because he reminded me of my Dad because my Dad loved him and because he reminded me of my mortality. As soon as I shared what I was feeling and why, I heard my Monger say, "Well, that is stupid. I mean, you didn't even know Kobe Bryant."
And then I had an ah-ha, "Wait a minute, have I acknowledged my feelings, or did I just name them?" So again, I tried to name my feelings, and I had another major, ah-ha. This time when I named them, I allowed them.
I said to myself, "It is just hard to feel sad. I feel silly feeling sad for someone I never met," and "It's ok to feel sad. It is what it is.
Next, we have Slow Down and Get into Your body. The process of acknowledging what you're feeling starts to slow your body down and get a little more grounded. And then you could move on to S, which is slow down and get into your body.
And slow down and get into your body means doing a full-body movement. Wiggle, stretch, dance, touch your toes, some way of getting in your body. Our minds can get so stuck in the message of the Monger. We need to slow down and get into our bodies to get a new perspective. After I acknowledged my sadness about Kobe Bryant's death, I did a big stretch up to the ceiling and then stretched down to touch my toes.
Frequently, the first thing people will say when you're spinning out on anxiety is you need to slow down and get into your body. That is not the first step in this process because that's the last thing we want to do. That's why I'm so amazed every time I get into my body that it works so well. Acknowledging what you're feeling gives you a little teaser, a mental exercise, a way to ease into that process of, "Oh wait, I'm putting myself first, I want to hear from my Biggest Fan, so I'm going to acknowledge what I'm feeling."
So the last step is K. Kindly pull back and see the big picture. This is where you can challenge yourself to see all the options. To practice self-loyalty and have your own back. After I stretched and got into my body, I sat back down on the couch and said to myself, "Oh, Sweetpea, of course, you are having a lot of feelings today. That makes sense. Give yourself a break. You don't have to do anything; just be."
When the Monger sees doom and gloom and engages in black-and-white thinking, the Biggest Fan sees lots of colors. She encourages you to think of different solutions, brainstorm, and see the other colors. We tend to be harsh on ourselves when looking for new solutions. The Monger might step in more as we shift from black-and-white to color. That's why kindly doing it is the key.
When you hear your Monger, Acknowledge what you're Feeling, slow down and get into your body, and kindly pull back to see the big picture. By the time you finish with K, Kindly pull back and see the big picture; your Biggest Fan will be talking and sharing with you a path out of your tunnel vision thinking that was brought on by the Monger.
See you Tomorrow!