June 2022
Listen to hear:
Any suggestions on how I can carve out time, not just to listen to the lessons, but to implement what I am learning
0:00:00.0 S2: Welcome to the episode of Ask Nancy Jane. So these are designed to answer the questions, you submit it either via email or on the scanty Jane page in the portal to get extra help in Self Loyalty school, you can listen to these episodes any time, they're meant to be a place to get that extra support or insight if you need it, all the episodes are released on the last Tuesday every month, and I'm going to try to make it no more than 10 or 15 minutes each month, I'll answer between two to four questions this month, I happened to only be answering one, but as a reminder, if you have questions, you can submit them to questions at such latch dot com, or head over to the Asian game page in the student portal, and I will answer the questions next month in the ask Nancy Jane episode, but this month I'm only answering one question, because I think it's really important, and it is the question goes, are there any suggestions on how I can carve out time, not just to listen to the lessons, but to implement what you're teaching me. So the first thing I want to say is, you will have these lessons forever, they will be...
0:01:11.5 S2: You can pull up this podcast any time and listen to it, and have access to the information that I'm talking about. So don't feel pressure of, Oh my God, I have to get this stuff done. In a 10-month period, the other thing I want you to kind of remember and thinking about this is that this is a forever process. So it's not like, Oh my gosh, in the next 10 months, I'm going to be healed. The point of these 10 months is to kind of ease you into the idea of self-loyalty, what that looks like, what that feels like, how it shows up, how it doesn't show up. So you can recognize when Self Loyalty School is there and when it isn't there, I should say, so you can start to recognize when Self Loyalty School is there and when Self Loyalty School isn't there, so that's a key part to... It's recognizing this 10-month period is just learning a whole bunch of stuff and seeing the world in a completely different way, it's re-programming and it's starting to reprogram your brain in a different way. Then I want to remind you of the three layers of anxiety of high-functioning anxiety, there's the actual anxiety that we all are aware of, and then there is the behaviors that we engage in that prevent us from actually experiencing the anxiety or we think prevent us from actually experiencing the anxiety, and then underneath both of those is the shame we are experiencing, so it's important to remember in this process, we're un-hooking a lot of stuff here, there's a lot of stuff we're working on, so what I want you to do my tip of tip of tips is to pick one or two themes that I talked about each week that really give you a gut punch, one or two, not five, because there's five in there.
0:03:07.1 S2: Five lessons a week, I realize, but I just want you to pick one or two that you're going to work on implementing for that week, and if you find that's too much, I can't implement one or two lessons a week, so that's okay. You don't have to, you can pick one or two a month that you resonate with, the key thing is, I want you to be picking one or two lessons that you resonate with and start implementing, wait a minute, when does this particular behavior show up? Because the more we can notice the behaviors, then we can start implementing ask and making changes, but unless we start noticing the behaviors, none of this will happen, so it is about picking one or two lessons, they resonate with you and start noticing when it's happening, I don't care if you only pick one behavior out of three months of listening, that's still a win, because you're noticing your behaviors. So I have clients that have gone through that work with me and coach in your pocket, and they will have one or two takeaways that they really work on and trying to get in there to change, and then they move on to one or two other ones.
0:04:22.4 S2: You'll also notice as you're listening to the Self Loyalty School, it's a spiral, and so we are repeating lessons at different levels, meaning you will learn about people-pleasing three different times, and maybe it's the first time, the first spiral that really hit you. Oh yeah, that's how people pleasing shows up for me, and then you get into the second spiral and you're like, Nope, those aren't my particular people pleasing behaviors, but those first spirals totally were... So I'm going to make sure I'm implementing those and really working on those, so it is about remembering, This is a life process, this is something you're going to be doing for the rest of your life, and it's going to get easier and easier and easier to un-hook things, but the behaviors will still show up, so let me give you an example from my life that just showed up last week.
0:05:15.9 S1: I had family in town for a family reunion, and I was in charge of doing the food and really making sure I was comfortable keeping track of everyone, I was the host of this entire event, and I was really trying to monitor my anxiety, I was really trying to keep it down and make sure I didn't start over functioning, I was trying to implement the stuff that I talk about in Self Loyalty school. And I did have a big goal, so the one thing I wanted to implement, which is way too much I wanted to implement for that specific event, not over-functioning, not getting too far ahead of myself. And I did a fairly good job. I would really try to be present. I really tried to practice ask, I really tried to show up and have Self Loyalty, but that is too big of a chunk. Saying to myself, I'm not going to over-function is way too big of a chunk because Shocker, I did over-function, which I'll tell you about. But it is, this is an example of what not to do. So if I could go back and redo it, I would pick one area that helps me lead me to over-functioning, and that one area tends to be getting really bogged down and having everything be perfect for the food specifically.
0:06:43.1 S1: So see how specific that is. I'm picking one thing that has to do with one type of one piece of this huge family reunion puzzle, and the one piece that I wish I would have booked picked as getting wrapped up in perfectionism for the food. And the reason I say That's the one I wish I would have picked is it showed up my functioning tipped way over into over-functioning like totally lost the battle. I'm walking through the grocery store with my husband kind of mumbling to myself trying to keep track of the list that I had in my head of what we needed to get, I am five steps ahead of him rushing around the store, he's pushing the cart, but I'm rushing ahead, he's trying to keep up with me, but it's next to impossible to do that, and he said to me, which is what woke me up to it, this is why it's so important to have our loved ones involved in this process. He said to me, Hey, oh, hey, you have tipped into over-functioning, like you have really gone to the dark side here, and that's okay. I'm just letting you know, because I know that was a goal of yourself and him saying that is what woke me up and it's what made me realize, Okay, I have all this anxiety about my family coming, which brings up a lot of shame, because family tends to re-ignite some of that stuff, and now I'm super involved in my over-functioning, I'm super involved in my skills, I'm super involved in the things I do to prevent my anxiety, so I'm in those unhealthy coping skills...
0:08:19.2 S1: That's the word I'm looking for. I'm in those unhealthy coping skills right now, they're on overdrive, and so when my husband said to me, Hey, this is happening, then
0:08:28.3 S2: I was able to be like, Wow, wait a minute, he's right, I have tipped over. You know, and the other piece, I didn't practice ask in that moment, I didn't do anything other than I said to myself, Okay, sweet. It is hard right now. This is hard having all these people come and you are going to over-function, but let's try to tone the dial down from over-functioning at a 10, let's try to take it to an eight, so I just slowly tried to bring myself back into my body because when my anxiety is that high, I'm not going to get into... I'm not going to be able to practice ask, which we've talked about, which we will talk about in these events, so it is about being able to just notice this is happening, let me be kind to myself and let me just try to bring my anxiety down a little bit, so I'm not quite as high because this is a really stressful event and it's honoring that... So what does this have to do with, how do I find time to implement, it's showing you that you'll be implementing all the time, the goal of this is being able to implement these lessons all the time, sometimes you will really nail it and you'll be like, Oh, my Gosh, I totally noticed that I was over-functioning, I totally noticed how...
0:09:50.4 S2: When I picked the place and the time and was really specific, I nailed it, which is a win, and then the next time you'll be like, Oh my gosh, I didn't totally nail it, I didn't get that. Great, that's okay. It's a continuing process. So that's the message I want to send. You have this for the rest of your life. You can download these episodes any time, I want you to find one or two episodes a week, one or two episodes a month, one or two episodes every two weeks, but the key to finding the episodes or the lessons, finding the lessons that give you a gut punch because those are the ones that are going to be the easiest to work on, because your body is already responding to a... There's something that I need to work on, and then it is pulling back and being like, Okay, let me start working on that, let me get in there and notice it and calling my friends and family and make this a regular part of my life. And then I'll pick another one later, and I'll keep doing that over and over and over again, and that's how it happens.
0:10:54.4 S2: Here it is, I've been doing this work for over a decade, and I am still noticing it, and that's part of the process because it's an ongoing thing, so really building awareness of the fact and giving yourself grace that this is hard. It does take a while, and that's okay. That's the whole process of Self Loyalty School, that's why we do it for 10 months because it's really re-adjusting how you think about your life and how you think about your anxiety, and so the implementation is going to happen in your time. That's the power of self-loyalty. You being able to say, You know what, right now I can listen. And that's about it. But implementation is going to come in a couple of months, or implementation is going to come later... That's okay. Or maybe you're like, Oh, I really want to... I had three gut punches this week, so I'm going to try to implement all of them and then you're like, Oh no, that was too many... I tried to do three and I should only do to all in the process of learning, that's what this is all about. But I do want to say that frequently what happens when we get those gut punch lessons, those are the lessons that we then need to implement, because we will get an aha.
0:12:10.5 S1: How many times if you read a blog and then like, Oh my God, that's genius. I love it. Yes, totally, I'm totally that person. And then you close your computer and you walk away and you don't implement anything with it, I don't want that to become that this is just a series of a-ha for you, and there's no implementation. It is about... That's why I give you implementation week, give you a week to kind of be in there getting dirty with the stuff and picking those one to two lessons that resonated with you and gave you the gut Pugh, and then being able to work with them during implementation week and then continuing on to work with them.
0:12:44.8 S2: So I hope that was a helpful response to that question, I really think it's an important question, and if you want more detail or more information, please send me questions@selfloyaltyschool.com, and I'm happy to give you some more insight and again.
0:13:03.1 S1: Drop your questions there, I will be back next month with another episode of this asking podcast.
0:13:11.2 S2: Take care