April 2022
Listen to hear:
0:49: I am more annoyed with my husband now--I feel like I am learning new things and he is still stuck in our old pattern.
6:18: I am starting to see my patterns with anxiety--feeling it in my body and noticing when I am taking on too much but it is still there--now I am just noticing it. When does it go away?
[00:00:00] Welcome to the second episode of ask Nancy Jane. So these are designed to answer the questions you've submitted either via email or on the ask Nancy Jane Page in the portal to get extra help in self loyalty school. You can listen to these episodes. Anytime they're meant to be a place to get that extra support or insight if you need it.
[00:00:22] All these episodes are released on the last Tuesday of every month. I'm going to try to make it no more than 10 to 15 minutes. And I'll answer between two to four questions each month. So as a reminder, if you have questions, you can submit them to questions@selfloyaltyschool.com or head over to the ask Nancy Jane Page in the student portal.
[00:00:44] I will answer the questions next month in the ask Nancy Jane episode. So we have a couple of questions today. One is. I'm more annoyed with my husband. Now, I feel like I'm learning new things, and he is still stuck in our old pattern. Oh, I totally get this. This is super common. You're not alone in this.
[00:01:05] There are two themes I want to talk about why this is happening and what you can do with it. So there are two reasons, I'm sure there, there could be many reasons this is happening, but there are two main reasons. One is as you start to see your behaviors and your. Doubts and insecurity are coming to play through these unhealthy coping mechanisms that we've talked so much about.
[00:01:30] You will start to see those in others as well. That's just kind of the process. You might even see it in others before you see it in yourself. And that's just kind of how we work as human beings. We're, we're more aware of these patterns. And so we start noticing them in ourselves and other people. And then the second thing is that.
[00:01:50] As you're building self loyalty, you start recognizing how to wait a minute. I may not be as broken as I thought I was here. So when you have that, that idea of I'm broken, I'm broken, I'm broken, and you see you, you do activities that make up for that. So you may overcompensate by doing more for your husband or not saying no to your spouse or accommodating your partner's family more than you want to be by building awareness of, oh, wait, I'm doing these things, and then you stop doing them. And then it creates this kind of havoc in the relationship. And so that idea of a wait a minute, I am, I see these patterns. And I'm also recognizing, wait, I'm not as broken as I thought I was.
[00:02:39] And so I don't need to be implementing these patterns as much. And what if my husband is the one that's broken here? So that combination of you recognize you're not as broken and you start seeing the unhealthy patterns, more causes a lot of like, wait a minute. Who did I marry? You know, my wife is more broken than I thought she was, or my husband is he's the one that's broken.
[00:03:00] And so it's about. Pulling that back again and being able to recognize, okay, this isn't about blame. This isn't about beating someone up for being wrong. This is about both of us in this team being more supportive of each other. So I want to talk about a principle that really has helped me. And it's the idea that people will either rise up to meet you as you grow and change.
[00:03:24] People will rise up to meet you, or they will follow. Meaning they won't hang around. Like they'll get annoyed, and they'll move on. I'm not saying that brings me comfort because, oh, that means that my husband will just naturally fall off. That's not what I'm saying. I am saying, by recognizing that principle of, oh, I'm going to, I am growing, and I'm going to challenge my partner to grow merely by the fact that I'm.
[00:03:49] So it isn't that you have to force him or pull him along or teach him anything it's simply by you growing. He will figure out how to rise to meet you. So he'll notice like, ah, she's calmer what's going on there. So he'll have some natural curiosity and try to figure it out. Hopefully, like that's the goal is that as you grow, he will be.
[00:04:09] And that process, though, isn't instantaneous, it's bumpy it, it takes some time he needs to recalibrate and you know, you're changing things around and he's like, whoa, what's happening. And so it's that idea of it takes some time to get through that messy middle before he can figure out how do I rise to meet here?
[00:04:27] How do I do this before? So, what we tend to do is we tend to jump onto attacking. You need to be doing this. I've been doing everything. Oh my gosh. Like we opened up our eyes to how much we've been saying yes. And, and being agreeable when we didn't want to be. And so then we immediately go to the opposite way and being like, this is all your fault.
[00:04:46] You're the one that's creating. When in reality, both of you created this dynamic and you created it from unhealthy places inside of you. And it really worked and now it's not working. So both of you need to create a new dynamic. And so yes, it is about your husband figuring out how to rise to meet you.
[00:05:06] But it's also about you being really clear on what it is. Need from him. What is, what is it you require for him to help you move to the next level and or for him to move to the next level. So to be able to give clear feedback on what your needs are, what your expectations are with him instead of immediately going to anger or frustration or pouting or any of those passive-aggressive, any of those unhealthy things that we're doing, that aren't a loyalty to ourselves or our partners.
[00:05:39] So to be loyal to yourself is getting really clear on what it is you need and, and showing that to him, to be loyal to your partner, it's figuring out, okay, how do we make those things that are important to me? Match with the things that are important to him and what do we need to do? So it is about you stepping up and, and just kind of sharing where you are, what you're learning and what you need from him.
[00:06:03] And then letting him have a chance to kind of do that too. Happy to answer more on this as you, um, as you move through this, you know, come back in and, and give us an update on what's happening and, and more insight you mean. Okay. And then the next one, which is one that was near and dear to my heart, I'm starting to see my patterns with anxiety, feeling it in my body and noticing when I'm taking on too much.
[00:06:30] But it's still there now. I'm just noticing it all the time. When does it go away? Okay. So I feel you on this one as well. For those that have started from the very beginning, we haven't even gotten through the first spiral. So there is a lot more to go, and you will start seeing this differently. But right now, you're kind of in that place of, oh my gosh.
[00:06:54] All I see is my anxiety all the time. It's always there. My anxiety. It's always there. It's always there. When will this shift? There are two answers to that. One is. It will constantly be in a stage of shift. You know, I believe we have anxiety. Like, it's just kind of a thing that we're dealing with. Just like, if your feet are sore or if you're getting backache, you know, anxiety is one of your go-to's when you're feeling stressed or uneasy.
[00:07:20] And so your body goes into anxiety. And so it's less about how do I get rid of the anxiety? You know, when does it go away? How do I get rid of the anxiety? It's less about that and more about what do I do when I notice the anxiety. So, yeah, right now you are just noticing it because that's what we're working on, noticing it.
[00:07:44] And, and as we're moving through, you know, you're practicing ask you're acknowledging. You know, you're acknowledging your feelings. You're slowing down and getting to your body. You're kindly pulling back to see the big picture. You're doing things that calm the anxiety at the moment, but the anxiety isn't going to go away.
[00:08:02] It's just like if you lose weight, it's not like, then you can suddenly eat whatever you want. I've tried that, and it doesn't work. You know you can't, you can't dye it and then expect to not maintain, you know, you have to do the maintenance part too. That's the same with what we're doing. It's, you're going to start noticing the anxiety.
[00:08:23] You're going to build a hyper-awareness of it. Then you can start doing the things that help you solve the anxiety. But the reason self loyalty is so important is that. You'll notice but you'll notice all these things. We do. These smoke screens that we do to, to kind of try to solve the anxiety, these unhealthy coping mechanisms that aren't working. So by building self loyalty, you will notice that. Faster. And then, once you notice them, you can do the things that help solve your anxiety, which could be asked.
[00:09:12] It could be taking a walk. It could be meditation, it could be clearing off your desk. You know, there are, it could be getting really clear on what's most important to you in that moment, but there are lots of strategies and I'm sure we all know them for dealing with things like. The problem that we have with high functioning anxiety is the anxiety becomes a thing that then we then use to accomplish a whole bunch, which then gets us a lot of praise.
[00:09:40] And so it becomes addictive. And so we need to be learning how to stop those coping skills. So then when we're just left with the anxiety, we can figure out what these other, what we need to do to calm it. And we can do all. When we have self loyalty. So one of the things I love about ask is not only does it help me in an acute way deal with my anxiety when I notice it, but it also by its mere being of acknowledging what I'm feeling slowing down and getting to my body kindly pulling back to see the big picture.
[00:10:14] I'm also building self loyalty with myself. And so it has a two-fold help. As do many of the things of meditation of, um, taking a walk. Like those ideas are also ways that we build self loyalty and calm our anxiety, but we need to be doing them, and we're not doing them. And so that's why I love ask because it is a, it is a simple way to build self loyalty and a simple way to decrease our anxiety.
[00:10:43] So to your question, my anxiety is still there. When is it going to go away? It probably won't go away. It is still there and that's okay. You know, I am, I am constantly amazed when I say to my husband, oh my gosh, I have been practicing this for years. This acknowledging your feelings. And I still really struggle with it.
[00:11:03] It's still not my first response. It's still something that I come kicking and screaming into. But when you have done these patterns for 30, 40, 50, like myself years, they're not going to change. In 10 months or in a year, it's going to take some time. And that's why I really love the idea. Again, if stuff loyalty, I can't say it enough because of loyalty allows me.
[00:11:29] That's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to build self loyalty. I'm not trying to stop anxiety because by building self loyalty, which is a positive way of looking at it that will branch out into all areas of my life. Self loyalty helps me set better boundaries. It helps me. Um, rest better. It helps me eat better.
[00:11:49] It helps me make better choices for myself. And that helps me calm my anxiety. It does a whole bunch of stuff, much bigger picture than I just want to stop my anxiety, which is something that isn't going to happen. You're not going to totally stop your anxious. Now, what we're trying to do is to get the anxiety, to stop running the show and how it's going to stop running the show is if we notice it and then take action around that.
[00:12:16] And so right now where we are in, you know, just in spiral one towards the end of spiral, one. By the very nature of the school, you are noticing all your anxiety because that's what we're doing. Each spiral. I have been talking about all the different ways that we have these unhealthy coping mechanisms.
[00:12:34] And so your anxiety is probably very, very apparent, right? Right, as it should be. I know that sucks, but it's right where it should be. And so now it is about how do I start building self loyalty? How do I start practicing some of the stuff we've been talking about? Not just noticing all the ways my anxiety is showing up, but really getting in there and acknowledging my feelings and slowing down and getting into my body and really being able to see.
[00:13:01] How anxiety is showing up and what are the things that I can do that quiet it a little bit that ease it up a little bit. That stopped me from going down the rabbit hole. That's what, that's what we're getting into next. That's what we're getting into now. That's what we'll continue to get into, but I just wanted to normalize that.
[00:13:19] Yes. It does get frustrating. Trust me, cause we want our anxiety to go away. We want to be done with it, just like I want to be done with, I just never want to have to watch what I eat again and that isn't going to happen. And so there's some acceptance of, wait a minute, this is how I'm wired. This is how I made.
[00:13:37] I am wired as someone who has anxiety and I need to do my life based on knowing those things. And we have spent our lives, either beating ourselves up for anxiety or, and, or telling ourselves we could fix it if we were better. And the reality is it's not about fixing it. It's about living with it and how do I live with it?
[00:13:58] And you live with it by not letting it run. Okay. So those are the answers to my questions. I am absolutely here to support you in whatever you need. So please let me know what's going on. Questions at self loyalty, school.com is the email or go to the ask Nancy Jane Page in the student portal. And I will be talking to you soon in self loyalty school, and I'll be here next month in the ass Nancy Jane podcast, to answer any of your questions.
[00:14:22] Okay. Take care.