Today I am cheating a little and reposting from an post in the archives.  I discovered recently that this post is my most popular (most searched) entry of my 300+ blog entries.

I wanted to repost it because the theme of unconditional love has been popping up a lot in my practice lately. Strange, you might say since I specialize in career counseling, but living one’s dreams, finding a happier career will always and forever be linked with relationships.  If there is one thing I would love to spread to the world it is that the key to happier living is to look at our whole lives, our relationships, our work, our interests and build a LIFE that is happier.  We will not live a life of passion and purpose if we don’t blend all of our ‘worlds’.  We also will not live a life of passion and purpose if we don’t have support of people who love and support us AND if we don’t have strong healthy boundaries.  This post helps answer the age old question of how do I have both unconditional love for others and healthy boundaries?

So here is a post from February 2010.

Last week, I gave a talk to a local group on communication and conflict.  If you are a regular reader, you know one of my biggest beliefs is that what we all crave is a little validation and unconditional love.  Especially when we are dealing with conflict, we need to have the ability to hear people’s stories and understand their perspective.

One of the women at the presentation came up to me afterwards.  She had the belief that if you unconditionally love someone they will take advantage of you or not perform their best.  She told me the story of her adult son who was struggling to get his life going and had made some bad decisions.  She felt one of the reasons he was struggling was because she had loved him too much. As we talked more, I began to realize there is a difference between unconditional love and love with no personal boundaries.  Unconditional love is the concept of I know you are doing the best you can with what you have, it is being present to someone in need and holding the space.  Love with no boundaries means I allow you to take advantage of me, to hurt me, to belittle me in the name of love.  In the brief conversation with this woman, it became clear that her son was taking advantage of her generosity and her kindness.  It also became clear that what she thought was unconditional love (financial support and helpful guidance) was laced with criticism and judgment.

It is my belief when we unconditionally love someone when we allow them to be all that they are failures and strengths, personality glitches and generosities, people soar to meet our expectations.  Unconditional love is such a rare and wonderful gift.  We all want to be loved just for being who we are.  When someone gives us that gift we want to strive to be the best person possible.  However, to unconditionally love someone doesn’t mean I need to accept someone’s rude behavior, or put up with someone’s disrespect and lying.  I can unconditionally love someone and have strong boundaries that don’t allow that behavior in my presence.

Unconditional love means I see in you all your wonderful gifts and strengths and I am going to continually point those out to you AND when you are struggling and making bad decisions I am still going to see all the wonderfulness that is you.  I am not going to judge you or criticize you AND I am going to have strong boundaries so you don’t take advantage of me or hurt me because you are struggling.

As the woman walked away, she said she had never thought of love that way.  She said she realized that she was more angry at herself then her son because she didn’t have good boundaries so she allowed him to take advantage.  Don’t get me wrong, the son was clearly in the wrong for hurting his mother, however she also had some responsibility in allowing to happen repeatedly.

Unconditional love is not for the weak of heart. Unconditional love requires the strength to love them anyway.  It requires the strength to set personal boundaries so you can love from a distance if need be. It is not critical, belittling or manipulative it is open, full and accepting. Unconditional love allows us to see the best in other people and allows them to become their best.  Bottom line, unconditional love is a wonderful, challenging, difficult gift we can give to ourselves and those close to us.

What are your thoughts on unconditional love?  What do you struggle with around this concept?

Lately I have been thinking a lot of about change.  The challenge of change, the consistency of change and the constant need for change.  I can still remember sitting in my Gestalt Training Program and having my very wise teacher saying in his loud booming scratchy voice:  ”Remember People, ALL CHANGE IS INCREMENTAL, ALL CHANGE IS INCREMENTAL, ALL CHANGE IS INCREMENTAL”  He would always say it 3 times and would always say it in full volume.

I learned so much from that training but this tidbit was by far the most powerful.  It is common wisdom to hear “people don’t change”. In all honesty, people do change we all grow develop become older and more mature, whether we want to or not.  But really change is HARD.  For anyone who has tried to start an exercise program, quit smoking or even switch jobs you can testify to how hard it is to change.  First thing you have to WANT the change secondly you have to be diligent about the change, paying attention to triggers, noticing self talk, understanding motivations and thirdly you just have to do it, take the baby steps and implement the change.

So often I think we get discouraged because we forget ALL CHANGE IS INCREMENTAL.  If you want to start an exercise program and you haven’t worked out in years, maybe implementing a nightly walk is a great first step as opposed to committing to 1 hour at the gym 5 nights a week.  Committing to the nightly walk is a small incremental change, not a major lifestyle shift like going to the gym every night.

Similarly if you are looking to make a shift in your career.  It isn’t necessary to go all in, quit your job, and figure out what’s next in the span of a month.  Figuring out what comes next takes time. Knowing what you value,  what you want for your life and the next steps is a process. Once you know what you want to change your career to the incremental changes begin, facing fears, looking for openings and schools, networking and generally facing all the voices in your head.

Change is a part of life, even major life changes that occur (accidents, deaths, job loss) take time to adjust to, the action may be immediate but the ripples of the change take effect in incremental bites.

Real change takes time, step by step, one small bite at a time.

Photo Credit: Bruce Turner

A few months ago I wrote a post on The Danger of Comparisons where I talk about how comparing ourselves to others can hurt us in trying to Live and Work Happier.

Since it is my year of honesty, I have to confess that even after writing this post, comparison is something I am still struggling with and engage in on a daily basis.  In short, I am a Comparison Addict.

In 2012, there are many things I want to accomplish, writing an e-book/course, recording more videos, writing more in general and reaching more and more clients.  I have found especially with my writing, I get paralyzed in comparing.  Meaning, I spend WAY too much time on-line, on blogs, on marketing sites figuring out HOW to do the activity vs just do it.  Then I end up: a. not accomplishing anything b. feeling bad about myself because I didn’t accomplish anything  c. Feeling bad that I failed against everyone I compared myself with. It is an endless loop or wasted energy.

Over the past few weeks I have been building awareness around this problem and realized it is a multi-layer problem:

1. I am just wasting time.
2. I am not facing my fears or working through my anxiety
3. At the end of the day I am not living the life I want to be living, I am settling for being paralyzed in the shadows of others.

So I have declared this is my Week of No Comparison.  For one week, I am going to concentrate on the many goals I set for myself in 2012 and I am not going to waste time on the internet looking at how I SHOULD be doing it.

Here are the ‘guidelines’ I have set for myself:

1. I can check my daily blogs (I have 3-4 blogs I read every day as I drink my coffee) but I can’t look at random blogs throughout the day.
2. I am allowed to post my blogs or other items on Facebook/Twitter but I can’t randomly check either one throughout the day.
3. I am going to pay attention to when I REALLY WANT to check something on-line or even when I find myself mindlessly reading Twitter feeds.  I am going to build awareness around when I get stuck…is it when I have to be my most creative, face a fear, risk more or all of the above.
4. No email unless it is a designated time of the day.  Another thing I love to do between clients–check email.  I subscribe to a number of email newsletters so I can easily get lost in comparison world here as well.  I also set up a number of ‘rules’ no my email inbox that automatically sends these newsletters to a certain inbox so if I open my email box I am not inundated by newsletters but can choose to read them in my own time.
5. Ironically I received an invitation to Pinterest which has become a new obsession of many of those close to me first thing Monday morning–so in the spirit of my No Comparison week I am not going to open and enjoy that invitation until next week.
6. Finally I will have a lot of self compassion around this event.   I am fully aware I may not succeed at a comparison free week–the goal of this week is to ease up on the amount of time I spend in comparison mode AND pay attention to what is coming up for me in the process.  It is a week of  awareness, compassion and incremental change.

I recognize comparison may not be an issue for you.  However, no matter what habit or pattern is getting in your way one of the keys to living happier is to bring awareness, build compassion and make small meaningful changes.  That is my goal for Comparison Free Week. To notice when I get snagged, build in some practices to help me through those times and have a lot of compassion for myself while the change occurs.  I can’t wait to share my insights!!

What about you?  What habits or patterns get in your way?

A few weeks ago one of my clients was sharing how she had been waking up each morning and asking herself what do you REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT?  She had seen it on an Oprah episode and had found it interesting.  As she asked herself the question each morning she would make note of what came up for her.  Most of the time it wasn’t a big or life changing want but more of a small want; like I want to do yoga more frequently or I want to eat pizza for breakfast.

The part of the exercise she found most interesting was just in asking the question.  The natural pause that the question caused.  No matter how many times she asked the question, she said there was always a moment of “huh” and then she was usually surprised by the response.  As she asked and answered the question she started to learn more about herself and what was important to her. The question seems so basic, so ‘duh’ but when you are trying to figure out how to live a life of intentionality and meaning asking yourself these types of questions can really help.

I have found personally asking this question in times of conflict with another person has helped me get clear on what is really going on.  If I am having a disagreement with a friend or colleague or even my nearest and dearest I will pause and ask myself ok what do I really really really want out of this situation.  (Sometimes that pause comes in the middle of the conflict sometimes it comes at the end) Most of the time my answer isn’t what I am fighting for or even asking for–most of the time I am somewhat stunned by the answer.   Honestly, what I really really really want is usually possible but the vulnerability around asking for it is too much. So I put up a number of smoke screens in the conflict rather than go through the vulnerability to ask for what I really really really want.  When I ask the question and can ask for the answer the conflict usually dissipates relatively quickly.

Whenever I am stuck, feeling overwhelmed or just curious I will ask myself ok what do you really, really, really want and the response usually surprises me. Not necessarily that I need to act on that want in the moment..but it allows for the pause and brings a certain level of clarity to the moment.

So today just ask yourself, what do you REALLY REALLY REALLY want out of your day, your life or just the moment? You might be surprised by the answer.

Lately I confess it has been a little intense in my world.  With the new year came a new list of goals, ideas, projects etc. I have been a very head down, studious and hard working girl.  I have accomplished a lot, moved forward on a lot of goals and ideas.  Which is awesome and wonderful!!

Then amazingly, yesterday, I had a pleasant reminder of how much I love to laugh, and how laughter has been missing from my nose to the grindstone life of late. I couldn’t even tell you what happened but somehow I ended up laughing so hard I couldn’t catch my breathe.  And then I remembered how much I love to laugh, how good it feels to just let loose and be silly.  I am a big believer that in midst of all things you need to laugh–laughter is a key component to my work as a counselor.

It is important as you move through a transition, debate life issues, think about what comes next that you take time to laugh, to be silly, to blow off some steam.

I absolutely LOVE thinking about the best way to move forward, the next step in the path and different ways to grow personally and professionally.  I LOVE helping clients think about those concepts and figure out what comes next.  However, I also LOVE to just be silly.  I love to laugh until I can’t breathe, dance until my legs want to fall off, and just plain have fun.  And I confess I don’t do it nearly enough. Fortunately for me I have people in my life who remind me the importance of being silly, cutting loose and just ENJOY life.   We all need that balance, the yin to the yang of life.

When we don’t have those 2 counter energies…life gets to be too much, it gets to be overwhelming.

So today I am going to keep it simple and just say give yourself a break.  Do something fun, watch a silly movie or read a book that makes you joyous.  Add a little silly in to your life.

What if the possibilities were endless?  What if you could do whatever, whenever, wherever?

This is the question I keep having with myself in relation to how I want to spend my time next weekend.  You see, next Saturday, I will be celebrating my 39th Birthday!!  Next Thursday my nearest and dearest leaves on a 5 day boys weekend to celebrate a friend of his 30th birthday.  So I have the whole weekend to myself and I can’t for the life of me figure out what I want to do with my time.  As a side note: Yes, I am sad that my nearest and dearest won’t be here ON my Birthday and quite honestly that is how I would want to spend the day–but I am excited for him to get to hang with his friends whom he doesn’t see very often and we will have many weekends in February to celebrate!

I have thought about taking a trip, hanging with friends, throwing a party, renting a party bus, staying home to chill, and going on a meditation retreat. I feel I should be social, get out of the house, I should take a trip, go someplace warm, really whoop up my 39th and kick off my last year in the 30s with a bang.  Bottom line I just don’t know I am having choice anxiety.  Overwhelmed by too much possibility.

I think this frequently happens to us in our lives, we get overwhelmed by decisions with what do next?

First we think about all the options I could go back to school, I could move to Jamaica, I could stay at my current job and ask for a raise, I could move companies and do the same job or I could do nothing. Yep, the possibilities are endless.

Then we think of all the shoulds, I should be making more money, I should be responsible, I should stay where I am for the kids, I should have a Masters Degree, I should study something appropriate and on and on and on…

More often then not we choose the do nothing option.  Not because it is what we want necessarily, but because it is less painful.  Frequently the wants and the shoulds are contradictory and we can spin and spin and spin on all the options, contradictions and possibilities so we stay put.  Doing nothing.  Sometimes that is ok.  Sometimes the timing is off, we know WHAT we want do but it isn’t the right time, we don’t have the appropriate funding, we aren’t quite ready yet, the kids are too young or we need to do some more research.

The danger comes when we aren’t intentional about what’s happening.  When we stay stuck not because it makes sense but because the battle between the options and the shoulds is too great.   When we go back and forth ad nauseum.–as I have been doing on my how to spend my Birthday debate. It isn’t that I don’t know what I want to do it is that I think I should want something different.

I don’t want to have a big ring in the 39th celebration–(like I think I should) I don’t want to plan a trip and organize (or pay for) flights, hotels dinners etc (like I think I should).  I want and crave a quiet weekend at home–just me and our pets, watching movies, reading books sleeping in and eating yummy food.  Is it what I think I should want?  No.  But that’s ok.  The minute I was honest with myself the decision came to me as well as the reason why it was so challenging, my shoulds were louder than my wants.  So frequently we are stuck because our shoulds are louder than our wants–and when that occurs it is next to impossible to move forward until we are able to be honest with ourselves.

Whether the decision is larger or small,  impacting the long term or short—whenever we are listening to the voice of the should we will remain stuck and we most definitely will not be living happier.

Yesterday I posted about facing some of my own fears when it comes to growing my business.  One of the lessons I have learned is you have to know what you are working towards, know what you value and what you believe in.  If you don’t have this foundation it is a lot more challenging to forge on when things get challenging.

Yesterday, Lynn at Power Chicks wrote a similar post talking about her own fears and how she recently came back to figuring out what she believes as her guiding force.  When you can name what you stand for, what you believe, or what you value, you can return to that foundation as the road gets bumpy, curvy and just plain fogged in.

For example, if you believe living a life of integrity is most important, than decisions you make, careers you think about and people you engage with should all support your integrity value.  Similarly, if you believe a loving family eats dinner every night, than the priorities you set and the decisions you make all support that belief.  Or if you believe responsible people pay their bills on time…you will do everything in your power to make that happen and fulfill that belief.

Our beliefs are like a guiding light, they make us who we are and structure our day to day lives. It is just a rarity that we say them out loud.  One of the exercises I have all my clients do is a Values exercise,  I have them name their top 5 values and then I have them share how they are living those values in their life and career right now.  So frequently the pain and discomfort we feel in our lives is when we aren’t congruent with our values.  I believe one of the keys to being happier is to align our values with our day to day actions the best we can.  Admittedly we can’t always do that do to life circumstances, past decisions or the people around us.  However, the goal is to start building awareness around what you really believe is important to you and what are the small changes you can implement to make those beliefs congruent with your lifestyle.

So today I ask you to think about and share in the comments (if you are so inclined)  What do you believe?

One thing I do consistently is practice what I preach. All the tips, wisdom, insights I post on this blog I try to engage in, in my day to day life .  Lately, I have been facing the Fear Monger, building awareness around my internal messages, and going for my dreams.  In the spirit of my year of honesty, I am going to share a bit of honesty in my post and a bit of wisdom as well.

 Last year was a big year for me,  my nearest and dearest moved in, I got engaged, planned a wedding, got married, was there for my in-laws and my husband as my mother in law fought her cancer battle, and also began dealing more seriously with my father’s fight with Parkinson’s.  It was A LOT of stuff–needless to say my business got moved to the back burner. Partially because of all that stuff and partially because to move to the next level I had to face some fears and deal with some demons and quite frankly I just didn’t have the energy for that.  So I kept my business going status quo, saw clients, blogged here and there and while my business did fine there wasn’t any real growth.

At the start of 2012, I decided a couple of things: one I wanted my business to get bigger, I wanted to reach more people, do more writing, speaking, counseling and just generally put myself out there in a bigger way and two I wanted this to be my year of honesty.  Frankly, to do number one I believe you have to do number two.  So in the past 18 days I have put myself out there more, I have worked on a new bigger business plan, I have written more, posted more, face booked’ more, tweeted more,  and in general each day I have just showed up and been engaged in my business more.  And I have to say it has been hard, challenging exhilarating, energizing, anxiety producing, joyous, and exhausting.

But here are a few insights, lessons I am re-learning and ideas that I have had over the past few weeks:

1.You never feel more alive than when you are pushing your limits.  Facing my fears, questioning myself, checking in and asking what I want to do next is nerve wracking and exhilarating.  But it feels 1000 times better than living life one foot in one foot out–living in the status quo.

2.  You have to have a vision.  Each day I return to my overall vision for my business and my life:  to help people see the possibility in their lives and to help them live genuine, authentic lives so they live and work happier.  Yes, I have to do a lot of other stuff in order to do that–marketing, using social media, networking etc.  But doing all the stuff that I don’t like is a lot easier when I know why.

3. There isn’t always a right way.  Yep, I am a bit of a perfectionist–sometimes to the determent of my productivity and of my sanity.  I get too caught up in doing it right–and usually there isn’t one right way.

4. There is a time to push and a time to rest.   I admit I can be a bit too driven–pushing myself too hard and in the process missing the forest for the trees.  There are times when I have found myself during ‘work hours’ forcing myself to be productive and just not feeling it.  More often then not when I step a way, take a breathe and concentrate on something else I can come back feeling more productive and committed.

5.  Celebrate the little things.  When it comes to facing the fear monger, and chartering new territories you can get so focused on the big picture you don’t take the time to celebrate the little victories.  Some days just coming up with a blog post is a HUGE day for my.  Somedays I am a writing and marketing wiz–regardless I am learning to celebrate both days equally.

6.  You have to walk before you can run, or more importantly you have to fall before you can walk.  Mistakes happen, progress is slow but any time you are putting one foot in front of the other you are moving more towards your authentic life—and that is a win in my book.

What about you?  Any lessons you have learned in facing your fears or going after your goals?

Keep Calm and Carry On is a phrase you see and hear a lot these days.  Ironically it was designed by the British government during World War II to be used to keep up morale in case of a German invasion.  Fortunately, they never had to be used.  Then randomly, a bookseller found the poster in a box of books he had received at auction and framed it on his wall..from there the sentiment took off.

The idea was in stereotypical British fashion to keep the stiff upper lip and in essence–”never let them see you sweat”.  I like to think of it as just keep going, one step in front of the other…don’t panic, and carry on. Another poster that I have found oddly inspiring says “keep making things idiot”. Again similar concept of just keep going, keep putting one step in front of the other.  Keep creating, keep making new things, keep growing.

I find comfort in these sayings because I too need the reminder that change is hard.  We need to show up every day and put one front of the other, handle the fear, embrace the joy and create.  No matter what change you are engaged in:  figuring out what you really want to do, looking for a new job, building a business or simply changing a mis-perception you have of yourself. You have to start someone where you have to simply ‘keep calm and carry on’.  In today’s society of instant everything it is so easy to get caught up in instant change, instant success, immediate gratification.  But real lasting change, real lasting success takes time…it takes one foot in front of the other.  One phone call, one email, one belief, one creation.

In our fast paced world it is easy to get caught up in comparing yourself to other people or ‘shoulding’ all over yourself.  True change, true success comes from staying calm, listening to yourself, and carrying on one foot in front of the other.    So today I encourage you when your anxiety fires up or your fear monger’s voice becomes louder than your own, remind yourself to simply…keep calm and carry on.

This week I was reminded about one of the practices of one of my favorite speakers/authors Elizabeth Gilbert.  When she appeared on the Oprah show discussing her book, Eat Pray Love, she talks about writing a love letter to herself from the perspective of a dear friend (in the spirit of we talk nicer to our dear friends then we do to ourselves).  She engaged in this practice when she was feeling particularly anxious and stressed, specifically during her divorce.

First off, a small rant that when I am feeling anxious and stressed and I stop and breathe and say out loud the messages that I am hammering myself with I am constantly amazed!!  If we don’t stop and breathe and listen, Fear Monger messages just play there on and on like our own personal negative record player (or iPod if I am going to be hip).  When they go unchecked they are brutal and relentless and can do serious damage to our goals, dreams and passions.  They keep us safely stuck.  And 99% of the time they are based in nothing, irrational beliefs that are there to protect me against old wounds (many that have since been healed) and past tapes of relationships long gone.   So regardless of engaging in the letter writing, pay attention to when you are feeling particularly anxious, unfocused, angry and notice what is quietly playing there. End of rant.

So writing a letter to yourself.  I admit it sounds hokey and I also admit I have given this assignment to clients only to be met with a blank stare or a “yeah, great idea” knowing they will never complete it.  But it is an amazing exercise in self love.  To talk to yourself in the voice of a friend is so foreign to us and so welcomed.  When we are going through transition, feeling stuck and scared, the fear mongers can be relentless.  So it is important to remind ourselves in a loving caring voice that yes, it will be ok, you are a lot stronger than you think, you are a dynamic caring insightful human being.  I know for me when I am feeling particularly scared and the fear monger is taking up WAY too much space in my mind I will pull out a piece of paper and on one side write everything the fear monger is saying just to get it out of my mind and on to a piece of paper just to see what I am mindlessly thinking and then on the other side of the paper I will write what a dear friend would say to me.  I write a few sentences or a long letter.  I write loving, caring supportive words. I remind myself that no I am not all the things my fear monger is telling me and yes I am capable of more than I ever thought possible.

So today I encourage you to write a love letter to yourself.  Even if the fear monger isn’t coming living rent free in  your head…write it any way we always need to give ourselves more love and appreciation.